Friday 30 November 2012

Thanksgiving

Welcome to the November 2012 Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival: Gratitude and Traditions This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival hosted by Authentic Parenting and Living Peacefully with Children. This month our participants have written about gratitude and traditions by sharing what they are grateful for, how they share gratitude with their children, or about traditions they have with their families. The Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival will be taking a break in December, but we hope you will join us for the great line up of themes we have for 2013! ***  
It’s Thanksgiving season in the States. I’m not American, but I am thankful.
My life over the last year seems to have been an exercise in the Nietzsche quote, “that which does not kill me makes me stronger.” I was pregnant with nowhere to live, coming off anti-depressant medication with an on-off partner causing me untold stress. Then I was moving house at 33 weeks pregnant with no basic necessities like flooring, saucepans or a cooker. Then I was in labour 5 weeks early. Then I was in hospital for 2 weeks with a jaundiced, premature baby under the care of NICU. Then I came home to a flat whose roof had leaked so badly the bedroom wall was drenched. Then I was unceremoniously dumped via text message and became the single mother of a tiny baby. Then I was dealing with accusations and abuse from S’s father as well as finding out some particularly unpleasant things I wish I’d known sooner.
Would I rather things were different? I’m not so sure. Yes, I would like to have a partner. I would like S to have a father in her life. I would definitely prefer to be able to look back on my pregnancy and the birth of my beautiful daughter with more happiness. But on the other hand, all of those things, all the pain and the tears and the fear and negativity, have brought me to where I am now. It hasn’t killed me, and it has definitely made me stronger.
When you split up with someone who has had a somewhat detrimental effect on your life and wellbeing, one would generally be heard to utter such phrases as “I wish I’d never met him.” I can’t say that; I can’t regret meeting S’s father because that would mean I wouldn’t have her. And despite all the trouble we’ve had, I have never once regretted having her, even for a second.
The famous serenity prayer used in 12-step meetings the world over asks, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” I cannot change this situation. I have spent much of the last year trying to change the unchangeable, blindly banging my head against a brick wall that has not moved an inch. So now, I have to accept the situation, and be grateful for what has led me to be in this position.
Being pregnant and having nowhere to live has made me so grateful for having somewhere to live now, and being housed before S was born – it turned out to be a fairly close call! The fact the house was completely unfurnished, whilst being a bit inconvenient, meant I was able to choose everything and make it mine and S’s in its entirety. I will be eternally grateful to my friends S and B who drove down here from Oxfordshire while I was still in hospital to decorate S’s room, assemble furniture, and unpack boxes so that when we did come home, it looked more like “home” and less like something from a shocking exposé documentary. The fact we had so little provided an opportunity for my friends to show their staggering and incredible worth. A friend from a church I’ve not attended for fifteen years arranged for one of his fellow churchgoers to come and paint over the damp left by the leaks. Numerous friends and family members gave me kitchen equipment, baby clothes, furniture, toys, books. My brother has proved himself worth his weight in gold by laying floors throughout the house, and by acquiring me a washing machine and fridge-freezer. My sister’s boyfriend has come round and put things up for me. My sister Z has played taxi for me more times than I care to remember, picking up shopping and furniture orders to save me money on delivery charges. She also helped me to choose paint when I was given a compensatory decorating voucher by the council, and did some painting too.
The fact S was born 5 weeks early was very scary for me, both because I felt entirely unprepared for it, and because of the risks associated with a premature birth. We are both so lucky that she was born healthy and relatively large, and although we were in hospital for 2 weeks, only two days of that was spent in NICU, and a lot of parents and babies are in a much worse situation. As one of the nurses said to me at the time, it seems terrible being hospital for 2 weeks now, but it’s just 2 weeks at the start of the years you have to come. I am thankful that she is happy and healthy, and at 7 months old, you wouldn’t know how tiny and delicate she was when she was first born
The situation with S’s father is more complicated and unpleasant, but ultimately I am thankful that things ended when they did, before anything bad could happen, before S was old enough to understand anyone had disappeared from her life. Things are far from ideal, but they are definitely the best they can be, under the current circumstances. I am grateful for all the help and support I have received from so many different people and places in the last few months. People I would not have expected anything from have turned up here with a friendly face, a shoulder to cry on, encouraging words, food and smiles. They made me finally realise that I don’t need that in my life, that I can do this on my own and do it better than as a part of that particular couple.
It really is true: that which does not kill me really does make me stronger. I’ve had simultaneously the worst and best year of my life, and now I know that I am capable of so much more than I ever imagined. If I were American, I would be spending my Thanksgiving remembering all the reasons I am so very lucky.
*** APBC - Authentic ParentingVisit Living Peacefully with Children and Authentic Parenting to find out how you can participate in next year's Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival!   Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants: (This list will be live and updated by afternoon November 30 with all the carnival links.)

Saturday 24 November 2012

Our Week 19-24 Nov




Monday 19 Nov
A night of sleep interrupted by screaming from S to confirm her teeth are indeed still working their way out of her gums. Out for lunch with some dear friends from my gym-going days, including a 2-year-old who was so quiet I forgot she was there! (definitely taking notes from her mother!). Afternoon spent playing; evening spent trying to get S to sleep. Teeth won that battle hands down.

Tuesday 20 Nov
Another night of screaming – way more than Sunday night, and medicine and cuddles made no difference. Up and dressed and out to see the health visitor, which was nice. Asked if there was any help available; answer was no. Afternoon spent trying to get S to drink horrid-tasting medicine.

Wednesday 21 Nov
Teething has combined with snottiness to ensure Macbeth has definitely murdered sleep in this house. Morning spent with D; she played with S long enough for me to tidy a bit, and also rocked her to sleep for me. The woman is a legend. Afternoon spent trying to entertain a rather grumpy baby. Evening spent similarly. Less said about the night, the better.

Thursday 22 Nov
Although there was precious little sleeping involved, S did sleep from 6:30 to 8am laying on my chest, like she used to when she was a lot smaller, which was a nice feeling and almost made up for that being the longest stretch of sleep we had all night. Shopping in the morning, playing in the afternoon with a brief visit from my sister.

Friday 23 Nov
Can’t tell if it was a slightly better night, or after a week of awful sleep, I’m just getting used to it. Went to town to buy the food I forgot/couldn’t be arsed to find in the shop on Thursday. Came home, ate some lunch and made gingerbread men. Afternoon spent waving my hands and pulling faces while S giggled. Every day should be like this.

Saturday 24 Nov
A visit from my sister; normally we would go out for a walk, but the weather was awful so we stayed in. Went to visit a neighbour whose son has a birthday today, while S was napping. Came back to find S had woken up and forced her auntie to play stand-up/sit-down with her. Decided against leaving the house; spent the afternoon napping and trying to do OU coursework. Not entirely successful at either.

Thursday 22 November 2012

10 Ideas for Entertaining Your Baby

  1. Old CDs stuck to the side of a cupboard or box next to where baby spends time will reflect light and be endlessly entertaining. In fact, anything shiny is sure to be a winner. Just make sure it’s safe.
  2. If you are able to sit and supervise baby, they seem to be quite enthralled with the noise made by the plastic windows in envelopes. This one kept S entertained for over an hour.
baby playing with envelope

  1. I read about treasure boxes on The Imagination Tree and made one for S; she loves to rummage through it and pick out random items to explore. The idea is that you use them for heuristic play, so fill them with household items made from materials other than plastic - stuff that reflects or bangs or rattles or feels different in their hands. At the moment it contains:
          • a paper plate
          • a CD
          • a loo roll holder
          • a tin lid
          • some brightly coloured material
          • some metal spoons
          • a wooden spoon
          • a scrunched up piece of silver foil
          • some random rock samples I was sent as part of an OU course

treasure box for baby

  1. Music! I used to think S loved to watch the children’s TV station, until I realised she just liked the music. Now she listens to Radio 3 (more melodious music, usually less talking) and loves it. Sometimes we will put local radio on instead and dance around the living room to some cheesy tunes.
  2. Go on a tour of the house. This is a good one to do if you’ve been sitting in the living room for a while and baby is getting a bit grumpy. I take S into the kitchen and we say hello, then to the front door, the stairs, the bedroom, take a look out the window and say hello to the people out there, stop and say hi to her cot mobile, maybe play with a toy on the bed for a little while, say hello to the baby in the mirror, and then head back to the living room, saying hi or bye to the rooms and objects again as we pass.
  3. When S was very small, she used to cry whenever I changed her nappy. I read somewhere that babies like high-contrast images, especially simple pictures of faces, and so one evening I got out my pens and some postcards and made up some pictures to stick on the wall next to her changing mat. To be honest, I didn't expect it to work, but until she was about 5 months old, she would happily stare at the pictures on the wall whenever her nappy was changed - though I did change them every month or so to avoid her getting bored.
baby likes bright bold patterns on wall

  1. Explore different textures. I went through my old scraps of material, and bought some remnants from a fabric shop, to find different styles and textures of material. I’m sure you’ve already noticed babies love the feel of label tags on everything they touch, but as they get older they will be interested in other textures too, especially if they have different colours or patterns as well.
  2.  Plastic bottles! I got this idea from my 2-year-old nephew, who's always had a thing for plastic drinks bottles. I finished a drink the other day and handed S the empty bottle, to see what happened... turns out she's just as enthralled as her cousin. I'd seen a few different variations of things to put into plastic bottles, so I thought I'd give it a shot. Seriously, this one is so easy: you fill the bottle with liquid, and then you put some stuff in it.
plastic bottles filled with coloured, glittery water
§   I used water in mine, but you could pop to Poundland and get some bubble bath instead. If you use water, you can put some glycerine in it - this makes the water more gloopy, so that whatever stuff you put in it moves around more slowly. 
§   I put red food colouring into one of my bottles. I used gel colouring, because it was all I had, and it left a few lumps in there so I guess if you didn't want lumps you could use liquid colour.
§   The other day whilst rummaging through a cupboard I found some of those little silver balls you use to decorate cakes... They were a good six months out of date, so I couldn't really put them on a cake so I used them in this project instead, and put half into each bottle. The silver colour came off of them and floated in the water, and the sugar balls dissolved into the water.
§   I also had some out of date glitter writing icing tubes, so I squeezed them into the bottles too, which made them all glittery and pretty.
§   In an act of selflessness rarely seen before or since, I ate a bunch of chocolate coins, and put the scrunched up wrappers into the red bottle.
§   In the white bottle, I put the beads from two old bracelets.
§   With this sort of project, the world is your oyster. You can use whatever you have lying around - pieces of foam, plastic, glitter, pasta shapes... And it's dirt cheap, so you can make as many different ones as you want and change them over as often as you like. Winner!
  1. Peep-o. The old ones really are the best. You can play this game with a baby for as long as you have the patience, either hiding behind something or draping a light cloth or blanket over baby and exclaiming "Where's baby gone?!"
  2. One of S's favourite things at the moment is to watch me wave my arms around and pull a face, or simply shaking my head. I get a good workout every afternoon jumping up and down and waving my arms whilst pulling faces at her whilst she giggles away at what an idiot she has for a mother.
I'm sure there are a million other things you can do with a baby that don't involve TV or expensive toys; please feel free to add yours in the comments. 
I may well collect up some more as I go along to make another post on the subject some time in the future.

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Tuesday 20 November 2012

Ten Reasons Breastfeeding is Better than Formula


Single Mother Ahoy Breastfeeding montage



Let me start with the usual disclaimer: I am fully aware that many women are unable to breastfeed, or choose to feed their babies formula for whatever reasons. That’s fine, and they’re perfectly within their rights. By all means, make your own choice – but for goodness sake, make an informed choice on it.

  1. Your breasts know when it’s hot out and baby is likely to be more thirsty than hungry; your milk dilutes itself to quench baby’s thirst. There’s no need to feed baby cooled boiled water or anything else; your boobs have got it covered!
  2. Your breasts provide exactly the right amount of milk, with exactly the right nutrients for your baby. When baby is having a growth spurt, they will feed more often for a while, during which time your breasts think, hang on, we need to up the ante on this – and they start producing more milk for each feed – so that after the growth spurt is over, your baby is receiving the right amount of milk in each feed again.
  3. Breast milk is designed by nature exactly for your baby. This means it is very efficient, and there is very little waste from it. It’s not unusual for a breast fed baby to go a week or more without a poo because every single bit of the milk your baby drinks is used to help baby grow and develop.
  4. Breast milk has higher amounts of lactose than formula. Research shows that animals whose milk contains  higher amounts of lactose experience larger brain development.
  5. Formula packs may boast that they contain vitamins and omega oils, but your breasts produce all of that any way – and not from synthetic sources, but in the most easily assimilated format for your baby. The vitamins and minerals in breast milk are more completely absorbed than that in formula.
  6. While your baby is breast feeding, you pass on your immunities to her. This doesn’t guarantee your baby will never get ill, but it’s less likely. It lowers the risk of SIDS, childhood obesity, type 1 and type 2 diabetes. Breast fed babies have fewer chest and ear infections, less chance of being constipated, less likelihood of becoming obese or developing eczema.
  7. Breastfeeding creates a strong physical and emotional bond between you and your child. I’m not saying you can’t have that if you bottle feed, but with breastfeeding there is a closeness you just don’t get with a bottle, in my opinion. It also gives you a huge sense of achievement; if you can get over that initial hurdle – and it can be a fairly massive hurdle for some women – it feels pretty amazing to look at your baby growing strong and healthy and thinking your body not only produced the child, but nourished it to help it grow too.
  8. Breastfeeding uses up 500 calories a day. You can lose weight by sitting on the couch, watching dvd box sets with your feet up. And if you’re super-lazy like me and feed laying down at night, you can literally burn calories as you sleep.
  9. No sterilising, no mixing, no measuring, no running out of formula and having to go to the shop in the rain. No getting up in the middle of the night to warm a bottle. No carrying bottles with you whenever you go out of the house.
  10. Breastfeeding is better for you too: it lowers the risk of mothers getting breast cancer, ovarian cancer and type 2 diabetes.
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If you enjoyed this post you may also like:
Things they don't tell you about Breastfeeding
My Breastfeeding Journey

Monday 19 November 2012

What Does Attachment Parenting Mean to Me?


It occurred to me that I have mentioned attachment parenting (AP) in several posts lately, but I’ve never really explained what it is, or what it means to me.

Time Magazine AP extended breastfeeding cover


AP has been in the media recently because of that controversial Time Magazine cover showing a woman breastfeeding her son, who was standing on a chair next to her. It probably gave a slightly wrong impression of AP, but one aspect of this type of parenting is “extended” breastfeeding. I saw something the other day where a woman said, “if you’re still breastfeeding at a year, everyone knows about it; if you’re still breastfeeding at two years, only your husband knows about it. If you’re still breastfeeding at three years, only you know about it.” A lot of women do continue to breastfeed their children until they are toddlers, and just tend to keep it a secret to avoid the sort of outrage generated by that Time Magazine cover. I think I’m lucky, in that when I was reading about parenting styles after having S, I stumbled upon a group whose members were largely AP, and felt happy to stay there and stop looking for anything else. To me the idea of “extended” breastfeeding isn’t so awful, and why should it be? Breastmilk is full of vitamins, essential fats and everything a child needs for development, after all.

But AP is not just about breastfeeding. The Sears’ bestselling Baby Book quotes the seven “Baby Bs”: birth bonding, belief in your baby’s signals, breastfeeding, baby wearing, bedding close to your baby, balance & boundaries, and beware of baby experts.

Birth Bonding
premature baby sleeping on mum's chest under shirtI was lucky when S was born; although I was fairly out of it and a bit clueless as to what was going on and what I should be doing, a NICU nurse came down to tube feed her on that first day, and told me to undress my baby and put her down my top, and just keep here there as much as I could. For the two weeks we were in hospital, whenever I could I put S down my t shirt. She slept a lot more peacefully curled up on my chest, and I slept through a lot of other babies’ screaming with her laying there. Ward staff would pop their heads in to check on us and, seeing the empty fishbowl, ask me “where is your baby?!” Although “kangaroo care “ as they call it, is something actively encouraged in NICU, nobody really mentions it on the ward – and none of the other NICU nurses really mentioned it to me. I feel very lucky that I met that particular nurse on that particular day.
In the first few weeks of S’s life, she was held a lot. Her father held her whenever he was here, and when he didn’t have her, I did. I didn’t like to put her down in her bouncy chair because she looked so small and lost in it. I did start to put her upstairs to bed in her Moses basket in the evenings, but I spent most of that time going upstairs to check she was ok.

Belief in Baby’s Signals
This is a big one for me, because so many people out there seem to be adamant that babies’ cries should be ignored, lest we create a generation of manipulative attention-seekers. I remember S’s father telling me, while we were still in the hospital, that I was creating a rod for my own back by picking her up when she cried.
This is about more than just crying though; it’s about learning what a baby’s signals mean: are they tired? Hungry? Do they need a clean nappy? All babies are born with “attachment-promoting behaviours” – they are designed to be cute and precious so that we want to pick them up and hold them and coo at them and notice when they have a wet nappy. Parents are generally able to intuit what their baby wants, but often we ignore their signs: “he can’t be hungry, I only fed him an hour ago.”
It took me a while to trust my instincts with S, and to realise that I really did know what was best for her, and I did know what I was doing. I still have times where she’s whining and clearly wants something, and I can’t figure out what it is – and then after a few minutes I think “hang on, you’ve not changed her nappy for a while you eejit.” On the whole though, she is very good at letting me know what she wants, and I’m getting better at reading her cues and signals.

Breastfeeding
breastfeeding baby eyes wide openWhen I was pregnant, I asked my mum whether I and my siblings were breastfed. She replied yes, for at least a year. S’s father’s response to this was “what? A year? Disgusting!” I suppose because I was the second of six children, and all of my younger siblings were breastfed, it just never occurred to me to formula feed. A friend advised me before S was born that I should use formula because then you can see exactly how much milk the baby is getting and make sure they get enough on each feed. At the time I didn’t fancy the idea, purely because I wasn’t sure about all the bottles and sterilising and things – I knew I would worry about germs. I’ve posted on here before about how I found breastfeeding hard in the first few weeks, but a friend pointed me in the direction of the group I mentioned above, and the ladies on there proved invaluable in their advice and wisdom. I read about the benefits of breastfeeding, and found that actually, I’m one of those people who is likely to be found banging on about how all babies should be breastfed, and formula companies not allowed to advertise at all, until the cows come home. I feel very strongly, not just that newborns should be breastfed, but that breastfeeding should continue for as long as possible. S is seven months old now, and people often seem surprised I’m still breastfeeding her and say “oh well done!” as if it’s some great achievement. Really, it’s not. Once I was over that initial hurdle, breastfeeding became the lazy option for me. A couple of people have asked me when I will be moving her onto formula, but I have literally no idea why I would do that. Why feed my child a product that’s been synthetically engineered to imitate something my body already produces? I have no plans to give up breastfeeding any time soon. For one thing, it burns a lot of calories, and I eat a lot of chocolate. A LOT of chocolate.

Baby Wearing
spot the baby in purple slingThis one, I stumbled into. I live on the first floor, and I found I was unable to get the pushchair up and down the stairs without help. This meant I was housebound, unless S’s father came round, which he didn’t do every day. A friend sent me a wrap sling which she’d not been able to get on with for her little girl, and I fell in love with it. I put S into the sling, and off we went. All of a sudden I was free to wander off out as and when I pleased. Because S settled so well in the sling, I started wearing it around the house too, which meant I could do the washing up, cook some dinner, go upstairs to the toilet etc without having to leave her. I even started feeding her while she was in the sling. As she grew heavier, the way that sling tied across my stomach hurt my belly, so I invested in an Ergo sling. These days, we use the Ergo when we go out, but I still use the wrap sling at home sometimes, and we did use it the other day to wander down to the post box. It’s great for cuddly times. The Ergo is more structured, and can be worn in several different ways. It has straps like a back pack, and a pocket for my keys. S loves to be in the sling when we go out because she can see so much more – even when she’s facing my chest, she can look around and above her at the trees and people, and I chat to her constantly. She developed good head and neck control from an early age, and I think this has a lot to do with the fact she was always in the sling, looking up at me. She is quite the little chunk these days, and it does hurt my back to carry her around so much – but I still prefer the sling to the buggy, and miss that closeness if we’ve not used the sling for a few days.

Bedding Close to Baby
When we first came home from hospital, S slept in a Moses basket next to my bed. When she woke up I would sit up and feed her, then spend what felt like a lifetime trying to settle her back to sleep in her basket, and then go to sleep myself. I was fairly zombiefied by this point. One morning around 4am, I decided that since she was showing no signs of settling into her basket, I would just prop myself up with some pillows, and have her sleep on my chest like she used to in the hospital. She went to sleep in no time, and for a couple of weeks, every time she woke at 4am I would have her in bed with me. Then I decided to try feeding her laying down, and it was an instant success. After that, once she woke for the first time during the night, I would just bring her into bed with me and feed her laying next to me. It wasn’t long after that I decided there was no point in putting her in the Moses basket in the first place, and she’s slept in my bed ever since.
People tend to frown on this one, and think it’s terribly dangerous. If you follow basic safety precautions though, it’s really not. In fact there are studies to suggest having them that close to you can cut the risk of SIDS by a considerable amount. Mothers really do have a sixth sense as to their child’s position in bed next to them, and I’m not a particularly active sleeper any way. If I fall asleep laying on my side, that’s exactly how I wake up. If there was a man sharing my bed, I probably wouldn’t have S in it because I would worry about him rolling over on her – though to be honest, I’m more likely to remove the man than my daughter!
There is nothing better to see first thing in the morning than a great big, cheesy grin from someone to whom you are the entire world.

Balance and Boundaries
This is the one I have problems with. Because it’s just the two of us, and there’s not somebody here to take over rocking her when she’s having a bad time, I do tend to neglect myself from time to time. Over the last month or so S’s sleeping has been pretty bad, which has meant mine has been too, and I’ve not had the break I usually get in the evenings. Things like cleaning the kitchen and tidying the living room have fallen by the wayside as I’ve had to prioritise the list of things I would have liked to get done in a day. In all honesty though, I do think this has been an exercise in letting go for me. I don’t need to get downstairs and watch that TV show, the washing up is not important in the grand scheme of things, the world will not end if I don’t update my blog tonight. I decided that as long as I’ve had some dinner, the rest can wait, and once I’d adopted that mindset it made things a lot easier to deal with. It is difficult to maintain any real balance when you are the only one doing the balancing though!

Beware of Baby Experts
Gina Ford Contented Little Baby BookWhen you’re a new mum, everyone has advice for you. Everyone knows an old foolproof trick their mother used to get baby to sleep, or the best way to do this or that. People want to be helpful, and don’t take too kindly to being told “thanks, but I’m going to do this my way.” I’ve found that people also tend to think that because I’m a first time mum, and they’ve raised however many kids themselves, I can’t possibly know what I’m doing, and I should be doing what they did. It’s difficult to say “no, I know best” without sounding as if I’m judging them for what they’re doing, or insulting them in some way.
There are endless books and experts out there who will tell you exactly how to get baby to sleep, when to feed, how to train them to do this and that. It’s difficult to turn your back on them all, and you might not want to. I did though. I don’t want to force S into a schedule, I don’t want to train her to self-soothe, I don’t want to use controlled crying or leave her to cry it out.
When someone has raised ten kids, or is considered sufficiently expert on the subject that they have published several books on how to look after babies, and you’re just a woman who’s been handed this bundle and told to raise it into a well-adjusted adult, it’s easy to think they know best and you’d better do what they say. Turns out I’m quite stubborn though, and I read lots. I might not have the practical experience, but I know a lot of the theory and I have my instincts and for the most part, I’ve found that my instincts are backed up by quite a lot of scientific fact. I’ve decided I’m going to follow my instincts as to what is right for S, and the experts can go and sell their books elsewhere.

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Saturday 17 November 2012

What We Did This Week


Monday 12 Nov
Up early and off to the hospital for a physio appointment. Then back into town and out the other side for a GP appointment for S. Then a walk home in the rain, and an afternoon of CBeebies. Evening spent doing OU work. I am living the dream.

Tuesday 13 Nov
Off to town to buy mincemeat supplies and pick up jars from my cousin, then home to mix all the ingredients in a massive bowl. World’s messiest lunch with S, then a visit from the nursery nurse, who ended up staying close to 2 hours while I talked about things completely unrelated to what she was visiting for.

Wednesday 14 Nov
A long walk over a very steep hill to deliver a book to a friend, then a mad rush around town to buy random things. Home to cook the mincemeat, and super messy lunch for S. Seriously, at the moment she’s going through 3 outfits a day.

Thursday 15 Nov
Quick trip to town in the morning to buy… I can’t remember what we bought. Main purpose for the trip was to get S to have a nap. Came home and made a vague attempt at tidying up the house in preparation from visitors. Lovely visit from a friend whose daughter is 3 months older than S; it’s like a taster session for what I have coming soon. Must baby-proof the flat ASAP.

Friday 16 Nov
Morning spent doing such fun stuff as washing and tidying. Little sis came over and painted my Christmas decorations, which was a bit awesome. Then went to cash & carry with a friend to get supplies. More fun than it sounds!

Saturday 17 Nov
Out for a walk with my sis A in the morning, then home. Had big plans to do all sorts, which I scrapped when I realised we were both knackered. Shared a long nap, then made a big old mess with some jelly. Bath and then bed for S, baking for me.

Friday 16 November 2012

Gossip Magazines = Bad For You


Holly Willoughby "I just can't' stop crying"


This is a story from the cover of Bella magazine a couple of weeks ago. Holly Willoughby, the bubbly, happy presenter from This Morning apparently can’t stop crying. Apparently she's suffering some sort of terrible heartache. What is wrong with her? Has a close family member died? Is her marriage failing? I she having some sort of breakdown? What is this heartache that's clearly tormenting her so?

The actual story was… not a story at all. There were three main points to it. The first was that she’d left her credit card in a shop; the second that she was regularly appearing on three TV shows and finding it hard (as evidenced by the first point); the third that her new show, Surprise, Surprise, had received mixed reviews.

The crying? Well, it turns out that when she presents Surprise, Surprise, a show designed to make people cry with heartrending stories of long lost family members and dead dogs, if she starts crying she finds it hard to stop.

I always knew the gossip mags were bad for this sort of thing, but I suppose I never realised they were so bad. They’ve taken a photo of Willoughby wearing no makeup while she’s out shopping, and yes, she does look a bit ropey compared to how we usually see her on TV but when compared to 99% of mothers out shopping with their children 99% of the time, she looks exactly the same. They’ve captioned it with “I can’t stop crying,” the obvious inference being that she’s having some sort of breakdown, looking awful and crying all the time. When I read the article, and realised what they were actually reporting was a load of old twaddle, I found that it made me quite angry.

Every single other mother of two, I am sure, has gone shopping and left her credit card in a shop in a moment of distraction. Even mothers of one, who don’t present a daily TV show, leave their credit cards in shops. Even men (gasp!), with no children, leave their credit cards in shops – and more besides. Remember that time David Cameron left his daughter at the pub?

The inference that Willoughby should not be working on three TV shows at the same time is, frankly, sickening. Why shouldn’t she take the work while it’s there? Why do women in the media always face this “ooh, she looks like she’s finding it hard to balance work and family life” speculation when they have children? Would they ever, in a million years, fabricate an article like this about the likes of new father Robbie Williams, or his band mate Gary Barlow, who has a few children and is never off our screens?

I’m not some massive Holly Willoughby fan; I really don’t care what she does with her time. I don’t even follow her on Twitter! I like her on This Morning, and I’m sure she’s good in the other things she presents too. This blog post has nothing to do with how I feel about her, though. It’s more to do with how I feel about the magazine.

This article, and millions others published in these magazines week after week, is telling women: you cannot have it all. You must choose between career and children. You cannot do both and succeed at either. You must wear make up at all times, or people will believe you are having a breakdown. And yet, we still buy them! Every time I go into a newsagent I am amazed at how many of these magazines are sustained by our pockets. There are so many photos of celebrities in bikinis, falling out of nightclubs, shopping with no makeup on, all with salacious, tantalising headlines designed to make us think couples have made up or split up, women are depressed about their weight gain or having some sort of breakdown. If you are just casually looking at the magazine covers whilst waiting to pay for your shopping, you never read the articles and find out that they’re actually full of conjecture and quotes from made-up friends or reproductions of Twitter comments. How many people saw the front of this magazine staring out at them the other week, and now think Holly Willoughby is a bawling wreck? I’m sure the woman herself is long past caring about that, but what sort of world do we live in, where a woman can be labelled in this way just because she dares to have children and a career, and goes shopping without perfect hair and makeup?

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Thursday 15 November 2012

Home Made Christmas Tree Decorations

I resent paying over the odds for Christmas tree decorations that are crap any way and are likely to fall apart before it's time to take the tree down. Plus, I'm not exactly rolling in money these days. So I thought I'd have a go at making tree decorations this year.

Turns out, it's the easiest thing in the world to do - so I thought I'd share that with you!

The first batch I made were just normal salt dough, and I painted them once they had dried out - but then the lazy fairy inside of my head woke up and asked, why not just colour the dough as you're making it? And so I did...

ingredients for salt dough


The basic recipe for salt dough is one part salt to two parts flour, and roughly one part water (you just mix in enough for it to become dough). I substituted green poster paint for most of my water.



green paint in salt dough

I used a spoon to mix it, until it was more dough-like, because I'm chicken and didn't want my hands to look like the Incredible Hulk.

ball of green salt dough

Once the dough is formed, it looks like... dough. 
Don't be tempted to eat it though; even if you've used water instead of paint, it's made with so much salt it will make you vomit.

You need to knead the dough (see what I did there?) for a good five minutes. The more you knead it, the smoother the dough will be, and therefore easier to work with - and the nicer your decorations will be!

See the little cracks in the dough there? If they're still there when you roll it out, the dough is too dry and your decorations will not be suitably fabulous. 
To resolve this, roll the dough back into a ball, sprinkle a little warm water on it, and knead some more. Think about someone who has really annoyed you. And your bingo wings. This is good for bingo wings.


green hand

Even with being chicken about getting green hands, my hands are still green. Who knew that kneading green dough would make my hands green. The salt from the dough also makes your hands very dry and rough, which is just lovely. The good news is that because it's poster paint, the colour usually just washes off first go. But just in case, don't do this the day before a job interview or anything like that. Allow for the fact I may be wrong, or your poster paint may be different to mine. It happens.


green salt dough and tree cutter

Once you've kneaded the heck out of your dough, you can roll it out and cut out your decorations. 
This time I did Christmas trees - hence the green - but you can use whatever shapes you have to hand.

NB. the blue thing in the picture is a pen lid, which I have cleverly adapted to be used as a hole-cutter-outer. It is better to cut out a hole for ribbon to go through afterwards, than to try and poke it with a knife or similar. Also I have found that it's better to do this while the original shape cutter is still around your dough - this stops the pen lid from pushing the dough out and ruining the shape of your tree.

Incidentally, you don't have to use a pen lid. When I made star shapes, I used a smaller star cutter for the hole. The world is your oyster; choose whatever you want to make a hole in your decorations.

green salt dough Christmas trees

Once you've cut your decorations out, lay them on a baking tray.
 I line my tray with greaseproof paper, because I am lazy and don't like having to wash baking trays - but it's probably a good idea to do that any way.
Make sure you marvel at how awesome your little assembly line of identical trees looks. Don't these look lovely?

That's basically it. 

You will need to dry the salt dough out; there are a few options for doing this.

The easiest option is to stick them in the oven on a low heat, around 100 degrees C, for a few hours. The thinner they are, the less time they will need (but beware - the thinner they are, the more likely they are to snap before Boxing Day)

You can bake them for less time on a higher heat, but this may cause the dough to brown. And since we've gone to the effort of colouring the dough before baking, we really don't want to have to go back and paint over brown bits afterwards.

The third option is to just leave them out in the open air for a couple of days to dry out. This is better for the environment (and your electricity bill) but can backfire if you have nowhere sensible and flat to put them, and end up dropping a can of soup on them half-way through the second afternoon; once they have started to dry out you can't really smoosh them up and re-make them.

What I tend to do is put them in the oven on a low heat for an hour or so, and then take them out and put them on top of the fridge for the rest of the day. Sometimes I will take them off the baking sheet and line them up on a window ledge above a radiator to make sure they're really properly dried out.

Once they are dried out, you can do fun things like painting them with glitter glue and sticking things on, if you like.

And then, all that remains is to attach a ribbon, and hang them from your tree.

So there we have it. I would estimate the grand total cost of these decorations to be... no more than about £3. And that's allowing for buying full bags of flour and salt, and a new tub of paint. The ribbon is probably the most expensive thing, and if you have some of that kicking about the place already (let's face it, who doesn't have ribbon kicking about the place) then you're laughing.

I have saved you a fortune in cheap tat foil Christmas decorations that look awful and are terrible for the environment. Feel free to thank me in the comments.


Someday I'll Learn

Tuesday 13 November 2012

Why I Will Never Leave S to Cry.


screaming baby why I will not leave her to cry

The other day I posted a status on Facebook that S had gone to bed but cried when I got my dinner, so I had a cold dinner again. It seemed to attract several comments (not on the status itself, but to me personally via texts, emails and in person) telling me I was doing the wrong thing by going to her when she cried. This is my response to those statements.

Babies cry in order to get their carer to help meet their needs. Babies, certainly those under a year of age, do not know how to manipulate, and cannot be spoilt. The can’t say, “so sorry, I’m feeling a bit crap, I’ve woken up suddenly and it’s dark and I’m alone and I don’t like it; could you just give me a quick hug and help me get back to sleep?” They cry instead; it’s their only way of letting us know they need us.

A baby’s cry is supposed to be loud, and grate on your nerves, and make you feel emotional, so that you will want to make it stop – by doing whatever it is the baby is crying for, not by closing the door and turning the TV up. Evolution did not make babies cry in this way so as to make you ignore it until it stops; surely if a baby’s cry was meant to be ignored, it would be easier to do so?

In the 1970s, Mary Ainsworth and Sylvia Bell conducted a study into how mothers responded to their babies’ crying and how this affected the child’s later behaviour. They found that the more quickly a mother responded to her crying infant, even if she wasn’t able to stop the child from crying very quickly, the less the child cried later. They also found that “close maternal contact” was the most effective way of stopping a child from crying. The more responsive I am to S’s crying, the less she will cry in future. For me this is evidenced in the fact that actually, she cries very rarely.

There have been numerous studies into attachment theory (different from attachment parenting, which is an approach to parenting; attachment theory is the study of relationships between humans), and the overwhelming finding is that the more responsive a parent is during the first year of a child’s life, the more securely attached the child will be, and therefore the better the relationship between parent and child going forward.

These are the specific references to back up what I am saying here:

  • Bell SM & Ainsworth MSD. Infant crying and maternal responsiveness.  Child Development (1972); 43: 1171-1190.
  • Ainsworth MDS. The development of infant-mother attachment. In BM Caldwell & HN Ricciutti (Eds.), Review of child development research (1973) (Volume 3, pp 1-94); Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
  • Egeland B & Farber EA. Infant-mother attachment: Factors related to its development and changes over time.Child Development (1984); 55: 753-771.
  • Isabella RA & Belsky J. Interactional synchrony and the origins of infant-mother attachment: A replication study.  Child Development (1991); 62: 373-384.
  • Isabella RA, Belsky J, & von Eye A. The origins of infant-mother attachment: An examination of interactional synchrony during the infant’s first year. Developmental Psychology (1989); 25: 12-21.

Many will say that the “cry it out” technique works – after a few torturous hours of screaming the baby “learns” and no longer cries. But what has the baby learned? Most probably, the baby has learned that crying does not work, and nobody will come to help them. If you view a baby as a creature trying to manipulate and trick you, then you would see this as a success. But it has serious implications. This is a psychological term called learned helplessness. Once infants have learned that they do not have control over their surroundings, they stop trying to affect them in any way; they stop interacting. Acting as if a child is trying to manipulate us when it’s crying removes the child’s control over their situation and risks their losing interest in interacting with the world. Studies by Dr Kevin Nugent of Boston Children’s Hospital have found that babies whose cries are routinely ignored show symptoms of depression. There is also evidence that leaving a baby to cry can impede their development. I don’t know about you, but if I’m stressed out, I’m not really able to concentrate on learning new things.

This Guardian article discusses how leaving a baby to cry can result in developmental damage. And here is another post about how excessive crying is harmful to infants.

I am not telling you that what you are doing/have done for your child/children is wrong. What you do is your own business. But stop telling me to leave my child to cry, because you are wasting your time. I know that when I am crying and need some support, I don’t like to be ignored. I know that if I feel shitty, I can ask a friend for help. My baby can’t speak yet; her only way of communicating that need is by crying. And yes, sometimes it is tiring and draining, and I’d rather be sitting downstairs eating a hot meal than spending my evening running up and down the stairs to console a crying baby – but that doesn’t mean I’m going to ignore her for the sake of a hot meal. What I do now affects what will happen tomorrow, and I’m happy to have a few cold meals if it means my child will be happy, both now and in the future.

Short version of this post: don't tell me I'm doing the wrong thing and expect me not to answer you with facts and studies. 

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Monday 12 November 2012

Attachment Parenting For The Win!!


An example of why attachment parenting is the right choice for me

From day one, I’ve never left S to cry. She cries so rarely, in fact, that if she does shed a tear I know something must be really wrong. I hold and cuddle her as much as I can. I prefer the sling to the pushchair, and I talk to her all day, every day, about everything. In the evenings I feed her to sleep and she shares my bed. I think it will be a long while before I stop breastfeeding her.

From previous posts on here, I know this is far from “weird” behaviour, and a lot of my friends have a similar approach to parenting, which is refreshing and generally good to know.

This weekend, I took S to a charity sale in the local community centre where my mother lives. The place was filled with aunts, cousins, extended family and friends, people I hadn’t seen for a long time and many S had never met (all lovely, though). I handed S over to the first person we saw as we came in the door, and barely held her again until we left, more than 3 hours later. During that time she made friends with everyone and was passed from person to person without a complaint. In fact, the only times she made a noise were when she was bored of her current surroundings and wanted to be moved about a bit. She sat on one young girl’s lap for over half an hour, happily playing with her feet and smiling up at her – I think the girl in question is a distant cousin, but I’d not seen her for about five years. S didn’t care though; she had a friendly face and wanted to hold her, and that was good enough for my little bundle.

People seemed surprised that S was so sociable, and happy to be passed between people she didn’t know terribly well, or had never met before. I wasn’t, though. She had been brought there by me, and she has a secure bond with me. She felt safe because I was nearby, and was clearly not stressed or concerned at her being passed around different people. She did cry once, and it was a proper meltdown; but that was because she was hungry and I’d left it a little late to organise her lunch. Once she’d been fed she was fine.

There is an argument that if you hold your baby too much, always pick your baby up when she cries, never put her down, she will become clingy and needy and never want to leave your side. The counter to this argument is that by holding your baby as much as possible, you create a good attachment between you, so your baby feels safe and secure enough to go out into the world and explore things on her own. For me, this weekend ended that argument for me. S’s behaviour was a clear sign that I am doing the right thing by spending so much time holding her. Plus, I have killer biceps now, and my shoulders look fairly awesome too!

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