The Obligatory New Year Post

Well, it's that time of year when we all look back over the last 12 months, and then forward to the coming 12 months.

These are some of the things I wrote about in 2013:

Tidy House, Tidy Mind - something I've revisited more recently. I really do think your living space is a reflection of what's going on in your head... As I write this, my living room looks like a toddler bomb has gone off in it. My brain is much the same right now!

Am I Really Brilliant? - a post about being brilliant. Again, confidence is something I've written about more recently. I really need to work on my self esteem and confidence in 2014!

Why I Don't Ask For Help - I have been described by more than one person as "fiercely independent" but it usually has less to do with wanting to do it all myself, and more to do with not wanting to feel like I'm a burden or nuisance to those around me.

A Day In The Life - from before I returned to work. This day turned out to be the day I had a colossal row with my older sister; I've not spoken to her since. I followed this post up with one entitled My Working Day when I returned to work, and another Day In Our Life in August. I keep saying that once I'm settled into the whole self-employed thing, I'll write another... Must get around to that in the New Year...

As is to be expected, I've written several posts regarding my previous life with the ex, over the last year. This Example of Why I'm Happy to be a Single Mum is something I try to remind myself of whenever I'm feeling a bit rubbish about my situation. In February, I started writing my Birth Story, which was something of a catharsis. I think it's more a story of the abusive relationship than the actual birth though, and spans several posts. This one is my favourite though, written a full 365 days since we last saw S's father. It feels strange to look back at these posts now, and remember what seems like it must have been someone else's life. We've come so far...

I wrote some posts about stories that were in the news at the time, including this about the Philpotts and this one about the government's idea of banning packed lunches. I also wrote a post about the Royal birth, and why I was trying to avoid press coverage of it, and another about the newly published list of top 100 names, and my exacerbation at people not liking the fact Mohamed was on the list.

I've written several posts about benefits, and the problems with them. The first was Adventures in Benefits, around the time I applied for Income Support. This was shortly before I ended up needing a food parcel from the Trussell Trust because Income Support claims take so long to process.

I did write a few funny posts this year, including How to Tell if You Need More Sleep, Sling Talk and Ways to Make Mummy Really Happy.

My most-read posts in 2013 were the series of posts I wrote about my breakdown. I've received some great feedback on these and I'm quite proud of them if I'm honest!

I also appeared on BBC news this year to talk about the Trussell Trust, and was on BBC Five Live speaking about children growing up without fathers. I also spoke on LBC with Nick Ferrari a few times about various issues relating to single parents, which was nice. All of this, along with being in a couple of national papers, has come off the back of my doing this blog which is amazing, but blog-wise my high point came in June when the lovely Kylie offered to sponsor me to go to Brit Mums Live. When I asked how I could ever repay such a favour, she told me to just keep on doing what I was doing. Cue many, many tears.

I've started hosting a couple of linkys this year as well: the Weekly Gratitude Linky runs every Friday, where I encourage people to link up a post with a positive vibe, and I've just started doing Wordless Wednesday as well, where people can link up any photo post. At the moment I'm also guest-hosting the Weekend Blog-hop while Laura has a break from blogging. I'm also quite proud of the fact I set up #ArchiveDay on Facebook, where we all tweet links to our old posts and retweet each other on Saturdays. I get such a kick out of seeing people join in, I often forget to actually tweet my own Archive Day post!

As I've looked back over my posts this year though, a couple have stood out for me. The first is this one where I look at how fortunate I have actually been, despite my pregnancy and early motherhood being something of a disaster on paper. The second is this one, hilariously entitled Pollyanna Ain't Got Shit on Me. This was the post that got me started with the whole gratitude thing. I really do think that counting one's blessings can make a big difference, which is why I started the linky. Even re-reading these posts has boosted my mood to no end!

And so, on to 2014. My posts lately have been quite reflective; I've been through a lot of changes over the last couple of months, not least becoming self employed, and deciding that my ultimate goal is to earn my money through writing.

What does 2014 hold for me, my baby and my blog? Well, I've watched this talk by Diana Nyad several times lately, and my motto for 2014 is definitely going to be Find a way. If you don't know who Diana Nyad is: she's the 64-year-old woman who was the first person to ever swim from Cuba to Florida with no shark cage. It was her fifth attempt; she did it in something like 56 hours, swimming day and night. On her previous attempt, she was almost killed by a box jellyfish sting. The woman is a legend and very inspiring.

There's bound to be a lot of hard work this year, but I'm convinced it's going to pay off. 2014 will definitely be our year!

Primordial Sound Meditation, Week 2

I've now completed two weeks of my primordial sound meditation practice.

Apparently, it takes 21 days (or 3 weeks) to form a habit, so when I signed up for the course, I committed to meditate at least once a day for 30 minutes, for at least 3 weeks.

Ideally, one is meant to meditate for 30 minutes, twice a day. The best time to meditate is early in the morning, before the sun has come up and woken your brain up.

Unfortunately, S has not been sleeping so well, and in order to meditate before she is up, I would have to get up at around 4am lately. And that's not happening. So I've been meditating in the evenings after she goes to bed, and on days when she's napped at home, I've meditated then too.

So what is primordial sound meditation, and how is it different from other forms of meditation?

These days there are a lot of guided meditations about; you sit and listen to some calming music while someone with a lovely soft voice talks you through relaxing your body, feeling happy or suchlike. Or perhaps you listen to some calming music while you think a particular happy or positive mantra or something.

With primordial sound meditation, the whole point is not to think. So you have a mantra, but it's deliberately meaningless. The idea is not to empty your mind so much as to notice the calm that is already there; to experience the gap between your thoughts.

All meditation is good for you, and all meditation can bring all sorts of benefits if practised regularly. I like primordial sound meditation because it's easy. I don't need a book or a dvd or a CD; I can do it anywhere. I use an app on my phone called Insight Timer to time my meditations, but that's just for convenience.

As I mentioned in this previous post, sitting down to meditate does inevitably cause the brain to go into overdrive. Anandi says the mind is like a "naughty puppy" that doesn't want to sit still; it comes up with anything and everything to make you stop meditating. It can be difficult to stick at it when your brain is busy reminding you of everything you've ever forgotten to do; it feels like perhaps you're just not able to meditate. I'm two weeks in, and I had such a hard time meditating yesterday morning, I didn't meditate in the evening at all. Today though, I reminded myself that I had signed up for three weeks, and I had better sit down and get on with it; and actually, it was a lot easier.

Primordial sound meditation, and the online course I have been following, doesn't make any outlandish promises of everlasting inner peace or transcendent states. Anandi quite openly says in one of the videos that you might never achieve "enlightenment" in this lifetime, and that meditation really is just "mantra-mantra-thought-mantra-gap-thought-mantra-thought-mantra." The idea (in my opinion) is that over time, your brain learns to shut up reciting your to-do list, and you have more mantra and gap, and less thought.

And with quieting the mind, over time you experience other benefits. I can safely say that, after a week of toddler teething, neighbourhood noise, lack of sleep, family stress and Christmas, I am handling life a lot better than one would expect. I am also a lot less interested in chocolate than I have ever been in my life, and more interested in fresh foods. Which is very weird, because it's Christmas, and my house is full of chocolate and cake and cream and I'm there munching on a raw carrot.

I don't get up from a meditation feeling enlightened or anything; several times lately, I've been almost falling asleep whilst meditating, and got up from it feeling decidedly groggy. I'm struggling with my thoughts a lot, especially the fact that you're not meant to tie the mantra to anything. It has no meaning, and you're not meant to link it to any rhythm or to your breathing. Of course, the minute you're told not to link it to your breathing, you become hyper-aware of your breathing and begin deliberately delaying your breath or the mantra so that they don't begin at the same time... which is the same as having them begin at the same time really, and completely not the point of it all. At the moment I'm working on that. There's not a lot I can do about the falling asleep, apart from pray that the people around here run out of money for booze and drugs, and that S's teething calms down a little. And over time, without having that startling feeling of "yes! I have meditated and I feel fantastic!" I actually do feel pretty good! I'm planning to continue after the 3 weeks finishes...

Messy vs Tidy

Thinking as I have been lately, about clutter-clearing, and how one's living space can reflect their state of mind, I was reminded of a man I used to go out with.

He was lovely, but he had more than his fair share of issues.

I can't post a photo of the two of us; that would be mean.
Here is a picture of me. In my messy living room.

At the time, I was not free of issues myself, and my house was a mess. I would often begin tidying, and start putting things into piles. Although my living room looked a mess to the untrained eye, I knew exactly where everything was. Those two piles of newspapers and magazine might look the same to you, but I've read the ones in this pile, and those in that pile are waiting to be read.

The man, let's call him John, because that wasn't his name, didn't like this. He liked to have everything cleared away. He would move the piles of papers into one massive pile, and slide it behind the sofa. He would even go so far as to move the waste paper basket in my living room so that it was out of sight.

When it came to washing up, I have always been the type of person who leaves it until it reaches a critical mass, and then has a massive clean-up. John, not so. He would wash up even if there were only 3 things to wash. He wouldn't leave them on the drainer to dry as I was happy to either; he had to put them away. The problem was, he didn't really pay attention to ensuring things were cleaned properly; he seemed to just dunk them in the water, put them on the drainer, remove a little more dirt with a tea towel and then put everything away.

I knew my house was messy, but it was my house. I lived there alone. When John came round, there was space for him to sit down, put his things down, space for him to sleep in the bed, clean cups and plates for him to eat off. But he could not stand the organised chaos I called home. He would come in and immediately start hiding away the mess so as to leave a seemingly clear space. While I preferred (and still do prefer) to wait until I can do a job properly and ensure everything is sorted out properly, all issues resolved, before putting things away, John was the polar opposite. He didn't care how it went away, whether it was still half undone or still dirty, so long as it was out of sight.

I think we both dealt with our issues in the same way. I would keep everything floating about until I could process it and "put it away;" he preferred to just stop talking about a problem whether the issue was resolved or not. It was almost like he had a ten-minute time limit on all disagreements, and then we had to stop discussing it and sit in uncomfortable silence. 

I'm still a very messy person; my house always looks like a bomb has hit it. I could blame it on having a toddler in the house, but that's not fair on S since I know I'd probably be worse if she weren't here. But I also still don't like to hide things away until I've dealt with them... which is what I'm doing at the moment. Bear with me; I'm likely to write a fair few more of these rather odd posts!

Silent Sunday 2013-12-29

Changes Afoot

For me every year, the minute Chistmas Day is over, I want to clean and tidy and sort. My house, my life, my desk, my work; I want everything to be tidy and organised by New Year. I also get a sudden craving for all things fresh and clean: celery, carrots, raspberries, clementines. My Christmas decorations rarely see New Year.

Every year I get to this point and decide that the New Year will see a new me. I feel a very strong desire to make massive, life-altering changes.

Added to this, I am at the moment in the middle of learning primordial sound meditation. Although when you meditate the whole point is not to think any thoughts, I'm finding that I'm thinking a lot during meditation and afterwards. I feel like I'm spring cleaning 32 years of cobwebs out of my mind. At the same time, I've been reading a few books that I'd been meaning to get around to for a while. All seem to be saying the same thing to me as the information I've been given on meditation; or perhaps it's just that I'm noticing it all at the same time. Either way, I feel like this is an opportunity for me to change and grow. Eventually I will do a proper post about the meditation, explaining why I'm doing it, what the studies say, what you actually do and so on.

A while back, a friend asked me, "what actually caused your breakdown?" I started my answer several times, each time getting half way through my first sentence before realising I needed to start on an earlier event than the one I'd picked. I think eventually I started the story when I was 9 and my parents divorced. Not because the divorce was particularly traumatic; my parents never screamed or shouted, and as far as I knew it was more or less amicable (if definitively passive aggressive) throughout. But I think that was the point where things started to go a bit wrong for me, and unfortunately my family has a very rich and strong tradition of sweeping everything (especially feelings) under the carpet whilst humming with fingers in ears. Nothing is ever discussed, and so I suppose from that point things just started building up. 

I'm probably still recovering from my breakdown if I'm honest. It's a long slow process with lots of backward steps along the way. But I'm learning a lot, and I think the meditation etc are helping with that.

"It's like a mother, when the baby is crying, she picks up the baby and she holds the baby tenderly in her arms. Your pain, your anxiety is your baby. You have to take care of it. You have to go back to yourself, recognize the suffering in you, embrace the suffering, and you get a relief." - Thich Nhat Hanh

A couple of weeks ago, many of you may have noticed that I had a bit of a meltdown regarding my confidence.  Or lack thereof. I've realised that now is really the time that I need to either shit or get off the pot, as it were. I cannot possibly continue with these thought patterns and expect to be at all successful in any area of my life. Weirdly, just the act of writing it all down has helped me to sort myself out a little; and I've been reading some books. Always with the books!

The end of this year sees me deciding to make big changes in my life, not necessarily with the day to day running, but with the basics of how I think, how I react, how I behave. I intend to be a lot happier, and a lot more comfortable in my own skin for 2014.

Meditation Chatter

I wonder what's going through their minds...
Image from www.thesleepguru.co.uk

Things that go through my head while I am meditating:

• My head/nose/bum/arm/leg/foot itches.

• What was that noise, is S awake? I hope S is not awake.

• What was that noise, I hope that noise from outside/next door/downstairs/wherever shuts up and doesn't wake S.

• Must remember to take those leftovers out of the fridge, they probably need to go in the bin now.

• I wish people around here were able to communicate without shouting/screaming/banging/horn beeping.

• What was that noise? Did I turn the oven off?

• I wonder if everyone else has these stupid thoughts when they're meditating.

• My back hurts.

• Oops, almost fell asleep again!

• Must remember to go online and pay my rent in a minute.

• Don't link the matnra to the breath, don't link the mantra to the breath...

• I'm doing it, I'm really meditating right now... oops no you're not Vicky, you're thinking random thoughts, not your mantra.

• I could write a blog post about this.

Weekend Blog Hop 2013-12-28

Hello and welcome to the Weekend Blog Hop, which I am hosting for the wonderful Laura at My Life as a Mummy, who's taking a little break from blogging while she concentrates on growing a new child.

I'm big into the inspirational quotes at the moment; some of you may have noticed.

I know a lot of people are using the Christmas break to take a break from blogging etc, but I'm still sort of plodding along, and I figured a few others might be so I'm continuing with this blog hop as normal.

Do please take the time to visit other blogs, leave comments, like Facebook pages and generally be a good sport. It's not really a hard and fast rule, more of a "it would be nice if you did this."

Also if you're in the mood, I'd love if you would follow me on Facebook and/or Twitter, follow me with Blog Lovin' or whatever it is you crazy kids use these days, maybe leave a little comment, do a little dance, make a little love and generally get down tonight.

So here is where you can link up your blog's Facebook page:

And here is where you can link up your blog:

Happy New Year everyone!

Weekly Gratitude Linky 2013-12-27

It's that weird week between Christmas  and New Year where life is sort of on hold, but I decided to carry on with my weekly gratitude post any way, and to invite others to link up positive posts for all to see.

Here are some things I am thankful for this week:

• My amazing sister, who helped me to cook Christmas dinner for seven people despite a distinct lack of planning, organisation, expertise or recipes on either part. We did jolly well, I think!
• As the announcement is made that food banks helped three times as many people this year as last year, I'm thankful I was not one of those people in need of help. We might have had a couple of hairy moments since I went self employed, but we're still in a better position than we've been in previously.
• I'm grateful that although S has been poorly over Christmas, it's not been serious and she seems to be perking up a bit now.
• Although I increasingly hate where I live, at least I have a roof over my head; a lot of people don't, and I'm grateful for mine.
• I'm very lucky to have some fantastic friends in my life, upon whom I can rely to help me out when I need help; whether that help is a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, or bringing some food when I've not got to the shops.
• I'm grateful just to have S. A lot of people can't have children, and until I became a mother I honestly never thought I would be. 
• I'm grateful to have been given the opportunity to do the primordial sound meditation course I've been doing. I've tried meditation several times before but never got anywhere with it. This is the first time I've committed to doing it, with lots of information and support available to me; and I'm finding I really like it.

Now it's your turn: what are you grateful for? What do you love about your life? What makes you happy?

If you've made any positive post at all lately, please link it up below.

Review: Constructive Eating Set

I don't know if you've ever heard of I Want One Of Those, but I blummin love it. It's a great place to find Christmas (or birthday) presents that are a little bit different. It was also great when I worked in an office and ended up having to do Secret Santa for someone I barely knew each year!

I was delighted when they offered us a Constructive Eating Set to review.

The fork and spoon look like little diggers, but what's even better - the third utensil isn't a knife. It's a bulldozer, to push the food onto the fork or spoon! Genius idea, and it makes dinner time so much more fun. I'm finding it's great for encouraging S to use cutlery rather than pick things up with her hands.

It's not encouraging her to make any less mess, but hey ho - she is only little!

The Constructive Eating Set is £10, which I think is pretty good. The cutlery seems pretty sturdy; we've been using it a week to eat evening meals, and it's held up ok! It's something to make meal times a little more fun, and S loves it!

Disclaimer: I was given a Constructive Eating Set free of charge in exchange for writing a review, but this was not dependent on my writing a favourable review. All words and opinions are my own.

Primordial Sound Meditation: Update

I had my mantra ceremony with Anandi on Tuesday. With primordial sound meditation, you are given a mantra specific to you, which comes from the day and time you were born. 

The mantra has no specific meaning; it is used only for its vibrational quality. You're not supposed to associate it with any meaning, because that will keep your mind at the level of thinking, the conscious level. And the idea of primordial sound meditation is that you go beyond that.

As part of the mantra ceremony, Anandi meditated for a few minutes with me, and after the ceremony I was to go off and meditate on my own for twenty minutes or so.

I've tried meditation several times through my life, but always thought I was missing the point, or just not capable of doing it; I would open my eyes after what seemed like hours, to find I'd only been sitting there for five minutes! I was really surprised after my mantra ceremony, that I ended up meditating for over 30 minutes. It seemed effortless; I didn't feel like I was sitting there tapping my foot, counting off the minutes.

Since then though, not so much. I've struggled to find a time I would be able to meditate during the day, and I've struggled to keep my mind focussed on my mantra. I've also had that thing you get on the bus where you start to fall asleep and your head starts to nod - but with my whole body!

In session 3 of the course, Anandi says that all of this is perfectly normal; that your mind will do anything to avoid being stuck in the here and now. When you stop and think about it, you're often thinking about either the past or the future; it's difficult to keep your mind on the present moment for any length of time.

She also makes the point that meditation is the one thing you can't learn how to do through theory or books; you have to go through this process in order to meditate. You have to learn to quiet your mind in order to be able to meditate, and the only way to do that is to go through the uncomfortable bit at the beginning where you feel like you're just not any good at meditation, because your mind keeps drifting off to what you're having for tea tonight, or "I must remember to get that out of the freezer..."

For me, this is like hitting a wall. I am that person who always leaves everything to the last minute. With everything I've ever done, I've ended up blagging my way through - and I've usually done ok at that. With my OU coursework, for every module I've done I've started off by reading the material... but after the first assignment is out of the way I've ended up just leaving it and leaving it, and then doing the bare minimum in order to get the rest of the assignments written. When I took my Financial Planning Certificate exam, I read most of what I learned on the train on the way up there. I am queen of the blaggers; I cut corners wherever I can. You can't do that with meditation; there are no corners to be cut. The only way is through. And my mind is not best pleased with that! I'm finding it very uncomfortable to have to just sit with it, and constantly bring my mind back to my mantra, time and time (and time, and time, and time) again. 

It was interesting to note in the Session 3 webinar that Anandi pointed out - this is what meditation is. You might never experience astral projection or enlightenment or whatever. At one point in the webinar she says, "meditation is mantra, thought, mantra, mantra, gap, thought, mantra." So perhaps while I'm sitting here thinking I'm rubbish at it, the people who've been doing it for years are doing the same thing as me and calling it meditation. Though hopefully, after years and years you have fewer thoughts and more gap.

I'm persevering with it because I feel like, even after only a few days, I'm noticing a difference in myself. I want to pursue that. I've had so much upheaval and mental torture in my life (mostly at my own hand), I feel like it's time I started looking after myself, and this is the way to do it. The beautiful thing about meditation is that it's free. You don't need to have special clothes or a special class or read lots of books or whatever; you just sit down and light a candle. To be honest, the candle is probably optional too. 

I've had a pretty bonkers week, mentally. I've had a massive crisis of confidence that's been bothering me all week. I'm wondering if perhaps this isn't like when you start a course of antibiotics and the doctor tells you "it'll get worse before it gets better" - like my mind has to drag everything up in order to tidy it and put it away where it belongs.

The idea with this course I am doing is that it takes 21 days to make a habit, so you commit (or I did, any way) to meditate every day for 21 days, and at the end of that it becomes just something you do. I'm interested to see what will happen over the course of the remaining couple of weeks. If I seem to go a bit (more) mental, please do bear with me!

Saturday is Early Morning Giggles Caption Day!

Can you caption my photo?

Weekend Blog Hop 2013-12-21

Well here we are, the last weekend before Christmas... is everybody ready???

As per last week, I'm hosting the Weekend Blog Hop for Laura at My Life as a Mummy, who's busy taking care of herself and her bump. I'm hoping she's reading this with her feet up, mug of hot chocolate in hand, blissed-out smile on her face.

No, me either. S's nursery has now broken up for Christmas, meaning that my Christmas elf-ing is all to be done in the evenings or at nap time... Hmm.

Tomorrow is the 22nd though, which means it's time for the great Elf Takeover. If you've no idea what I'm on about, take a look here and feel free to join in; we'd love to have you!

Without further ado then, let the Blog Hopping begin!

First, a linky for blogs:




And then, a linky for your Facebook page:




As per the normal rules, there are no rules. I'd love it if you'd follow my blog, or pop back to read from time to time. If you'd like to like me on Facebook, I'd like that.

All that remains now is for me to wish you A Very Merry Christmas!
The blog hop will be back next weekend, for those who aren't taking the time off between Christmas and New Year.

Have an awesome one!

Ranty Friday: "You Should be Thankful..."

The other day, a lady on Twitter was posting about how she'd eaten loads even though she wasn't hungry. I tweeted back that I had too and she said, "why do our brains do that to us?" I replied that I didn't know about hers, but I was fairly sure that mine had done it because it was pissed off about being single at Christmas.

Her response was "but you have your baby, you can't be lonely."

This is a lady who can't have children; she's written for a national paper about how she can't have children and how she's sick of hearing how hard mothers have it because at least they can have children and she can't.

I didn't want to be insensitive; I know how hard I found it when I thought I would never have a child. I told her that yes, I was very blessed to have my child, but she goes to bed at 6pm and the evenings are lonely; it would be nice to have some companionship. We ended up having a bit of a Twitter argument where I tried to explain that having a child doesn't mean I want for nothing, and she tried to explain that apparently, yes it does. Some of her tweets:

With respect, I'd say my position is harder. And everyone would like someone to lean on from time to time.

Don't know how to say this politely but I really don't have the capacity to hear it from people in, what I see as, a blessed position.

This really upset me. I really wanted to send her a string of 50 tweets explaining exactly how my position is not really the ideal she imagines: how I live on a grotty council estate surrounded by drug dealers and people who let their dogs shit on the stairs; that I often have days where the only person I speak to is my toddler, who isn't quite capable of holding up her own end of the conversation; that her saying these things were tantamount to my saying she was in a better position than me because she was single and could go out and get drunk in the evenings.

Instead, I switched my phone off and went to bed. But a week later, it's still bothering me. 

Don't get me wrong; I am eternally thankful for my beautiful daughter. I am beyond happy that we are both alive and safe and have escaped a dangerous situation. I am grateful. I know I am blessed.

But does that mean I should want for nothing? 

Isn't that the same as when other women complain about their husbands and I think "at least you have a bloke to pee on the loo seat and leave the lid off the toothpaste..."

I think the human condition is such that we are generally never satisfied. We always want more. And we always look at someone who has what we want and feel like they should just shut up complaining.

Perhaps I should just accept my lot in life, and stay here on this estate where some kids seem more able to swear than to count to 10 and all of the outside areas stink of piss. Maybe I should just buy some ear plugs for the night times - or better yet, go outside and get drunk/stoned/whatever-ed with the people who stand out there shouting in the wee small hours. Perhaps I should just settle for the life I have. After all, I have my child and I should be happy with that, right?

By the same token, women who are single without children should accept their lot, and be happy that they can go out and party whenever they want; they have no ties to bind them, no responsibilities, nobody waking up screaming from a nightmare at 2am; no man snoring and keeping them awake; nobody to have to share the bathroom with.

I think there's a fine line between living with what you have, and wanting more. The trick is knowing the difference between what you have to accept, and what you need to change. 

I'd like to think I can change where I live, the fact I'm single and lonely, and the fact I write posts like this a week after the event rather than having the ability to think of these words on the spot and reply in 140 characters.

And yes, I fully get the irony of doing a post about gratitude followed by a post that rants about people who tell you to be grateful. I'd like to think there's a marked difference between the two though.

Weekly Gratitude Linky 2013-12-20

I've had a pretty tough week, you may have noticed. But there are still things for which to be thankful, even when you're having a hard time.

I am thankful for the friends who try to talk sense into me on a regular basis.

I'm thankful for the friend who, upon seeing on Facebook that I was in desperate need of eggs this week, turned up with a box of eggs and a bottle of cava.

I'm thankful for my gorgeous daughter who hasn't yet learned the stupid rules that govern the rest of us ("not size zero = fat" or "fat = worthless" for example)

I'm thankful for the Damsels in Success community who offered up links, books, videos and general support to me this week and even called me "brave" when I was having a massive crisis of confidence.

I'm thankful for the lady I met at a party who seemed genuinely shocked to find out I was 32.

Now it's your turn. The rule of this linky is very straightforward: link up any post at all that is positive. The idea is that someone going through the links will be met with happiness, gratitude, positivity and general smiles to set them up for the weekend.

If you'd like to follow me on Facebook or Twitter also, I'd love to see you. And I'd also appreciate a comment. But only if you feel like it.

More Ponderings on Confidence

I've been thinking a lot about confidence lately. I'm not a confident person.

I know I'm able to string a sentence together, but when I read books or articles online I think, I wish I was good enough to write like that. And don't even talk to me about how I look!

After my last post about confidence, several people commented saying various different things. I was sent links to websites, books, videos that might be of help. One person commented with this:

Confidence is a strange and wonderful thing - when you have it. There is no way to learn it, or for others to give it. It's a lone struggle in which you need to build gradually and not let setbacks ruin the progress. Setbacks should be used to learn, so that you don't suffer them again. It's them, rather than an easy life, that make you stronger and more confident.

Another friend posted this video on my Facebook wall:

Both of these have really been playing on my mind since seeing them.

I met a friend for coffee the other day, and she said she understood completely that there was absolutely no point in her telling me I wasn't fat or that I was pretty or clever or anything else. She knew from her own experience that nobody can tell you something you just can't tell yourself. She also gave me a bit of a verbal slap around the face, telling me, " look at how far you've come. You're so driven and head strong, nobody will ever manipulate and control you like that again." She was right, of course. Damn these people and their always being right!

The fact is that from a very young age, I always considered myself to be fat. I had an older sister who was super skinny, something everyone always commented on, and two younger brothers who were just bang in the middle of "normal." I was the fat one. I always knew I was the fat one. I begged my mother to allow me to wear a one-piece swimming costume to swimming lessons because I hated everyone seeing my fat belly in the bikini she made me wear. 

This is me at the beach, aged around 7 or 8, burying my brother in the sand. See how horribly fat I am clearly not? 

And this photo is me taking part in a local carnival aged around 12 or 13, forced to wear a top I hated, arms in front of my body so that nobody would see how hideously fat I was.

I am 32 years old. When I look back over my life I see photo after photo of a shy, scared girl who was actually quite pretty, and actually had quite a good body, but hid it under big baggy shirts and jumpers because she was convinced she was fat. At one point, I owned more men's clothes than ladies'. In an English class once we had a substitute teacher and he made me read something out of the book we were studying. When I'd finished he told me it would have been better if I'd not been hiding behind my hair the entire time. I've had thirty two years of hiding. Behind my clothes, behind my hair, behind the person in front of me who is more confident than I am and happy to talk for both of us.

This is me, a few years ago:

Yep, hiding behind the hair (and piercings) and convinced I was obscenely fat.

I have spent my life convinced I was fat and ugly, that there was something fundamentally wrong with me that meant I would never meet someone "nice." I have allowed people, both partners and friends, to treat me terribly because I didn't think I could do any better.  I didn't think I was worth more. This was a major part of my breakdown, and although the suicidal thoughts have gone, the belief that I am just plain not good enough remains. Oh, does it ever remain.

I could blame this on my parents or school or the media or next door's dog, but the truth is I've really no idea where it's come from. Reading this article on The Daily Life did make me think though - about me and also about S, and what I am teaching her. It scares me.

And now... well, I could tell you I am fat, but my proven track record would lead you to believe I was misrepresenting the situation.

I am overweight. My body has changed shape since having S, and now, after years of being paranoid that my belly would hang over the top of my trousers, it actually does. 

But as my friend pointed out to me the other day: So what? Does it matter if I'm podgy around the edges? Does it matter if I have roots, if I seem to have seven chins and a massive nose in some photos? No. It doesn't matter. I know that in a philosophical, external way. But internally, yes it bloody does matter and yes it bloody does bother me. And it bothers me, that it bothers me. Because I know it shouldn't. Because I know that when I make friends with someone or fall in love with someone, I do so with their personality and not the size of their waist or the colour of their hair.

But, as someone commented on Facebook while I was writing this post, I tend to see myself through poo-tinted glasses. On a bad day, my one redeeming feature is my daughter. And I can't really claim credit for her, much as I would love to.

So here I am, trying to find a way to see what other people seem to see when they look at me.

And it's bloody hard.

Review: Instajunction

I was so excited to be offered the chance to review Instajunction. Mainly because I love to have my photos printed off, if I'm honest. 

Instajunction is a site that prints your Instagram photos. You can have them printed onto cards, charm bracelets, framed prints, coasters, mini books, all sorts. I opted to have some of mine printed onto fridge magnets, with the idea that they'd be a cute gift to put in Christmas cards for the family... Except I ended up keeping most of them to be honest!

A sheet of magnets costs £9.99 and comprises 12 magnets sized 5cm x 5cm. This is what my fridge looks like at the moment:

I love all the photos, and so does S. She likes to take them all down and play with them. 

If I were feeling more generous, they are the sort of thing you could easily slot inside of a Christmas card for a relative... but I'm pretty selfish, so I've kept all but a couple of them.

The Instajunction site is really easy to use - you can just log in to your Instagram account and click on the photos you want to use. The only time it gets a bit difficult is if you want to use photos you didn't take recently. You have to scroll back page by page to see older photos, which can be a little annoying. On the whole though, it's very user friendly. 

They were dispatched and delivered really quickly as well, I was really surprised when they turned up; I wasn't expecting them for over a week but they arrived within a couple of days!

And the best part about this review is that I have a code for 15% off all orders placed up to the 31st December! Just enter FR10BT6X when you check out!

Disclaimer: I was provided with Instajunction products free of charge in exchange for writing this review, but the products were not dependent upon a favourable review. All words and opinions are my own.

Wordless Wednesday: Our Week in Instagram

It's always fun to look back over my Instagrams for the week and remember what we've been up to!

And now it's your turn! Link up any post whose content is mainly photos. It can be on any topic that takes your fancy. 

I'd love it if you'd also like me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, maybe leave a comment below, the usual stuff. 

Wordless Wednesday is taking a break next week as we'll all be too busy eating too much and bickering with our families, but it will return the following week (New Year's Day means nothing when you have a toddler).

Let the linking begin! 

Get Away to Downton Abbey (sort of)

Have you heard? They've made a Christmas special of Downton Abbey! What will happen next with the Crawleys?  Will they have a happy, uneventful Christmas? Since Julian Fellowes has said that he has more misery planned for season five next year, that seems doubtful.

Who will Lady Mary marry? Did Bates definitely kill? Will he tell Anna about it? What will happen with Rose and the jazz musician? And what is the deal with the pig man? Is he really all he seems? Hmm...

But now you can have your own Downton Abbey-esque experience - without the dramatic storylines, hopefully. Cumbrian Cottages have put together their top 5 English getaways in glorious manor houses.

I don't know about you, but I would love to go away to one of these houses for a week and live the high life! I'd love to stand in the drawing room and order tea from the servants!

I love the idea of going off to some manor house in the deep dark countryside - preferably somewhere with no wifi and no mobile signal, so that I'm not even able to contact the outside world if tempted. I'd let S run around the gardens all day while I sat in a chair watching and sipping something suitably refreshing from a glass.
 

I like the look of number 3 on the list; not least because it's in Giggleswick! What a great name! All of these places sleep loads of people, which is fantastic for a family getaway or a reunion with friends (I'm thinking of the 1992 movie, Peter's Friends). Or, if you were feeling particularly flush, you could just hire it out for you and your family, and have a wing each, use a different bathroom each day and generally bask in the luxury of an old English manor house.

Or, for a romantic getaway, the fifth entry on the list seems idyllic; lots of grounds, but a cosy little cottage for just the two of you. This one has five stars for poshness, so you'd definitely be in for a treat!

And yes, I know I can't afford any of this right now; but it doesn't hurt to look, and imagine what you are sure your life will be like one of these days!

This New Year My Resolution is Not To Resolve.

I don't know about you, but every year I seem to make the same resolutions on December 31st, and by January 31st they're normally long gone.

Last December my resolution was to clear all the junk out of S's room so that she could eventually sleep in there...  And here we are, a couple of weeks before the end of the year, and there is literally no chance of her being able to sleep in there any time soon!

I was also going to do all the usual giving up of junk, exercising, eating healthily... and here I am, in December, munching on some chocolate in my tracksuit bottoms, as fat as I've ever been.

According to a recent survey by Ladbrokes Bingo, 55% of people aren't even bothering to make a resolution this year; probably because the same survey found that 57% of people make resolutions that don't make it past March! 

That's a bit shocking when you think about it, isn't it. My own experience though, is that  if you decide upon some spartan diet where you only eat four flax seeds and a mung bean each day, and you give up coffee and chocolate and cola and crisps and run ten miles every morning at 6am, you do really well at it for about a week. And then your desire for normal food takes control of your body, and your desire for a nice long sleep without aching limbs takes control of your alarm clock - and that is that.

I need to be around for a lot more moments like this one!

So this year, my plan is not to make a New Year's resolution. My plan is to make a fundamental change in my life. Having S has made me realise I really need to firstly be a good roll model to her where things like diet, exercise and body image/confidence are concerned; but also, I need to actually be fit and healthy so that I'm here to see her grow up and have children. My family are notoriously unsupportive of each other, and I don't want to leave her all alone in the world at a young age just for the sake of a few breakfast McMuffins and some fizzy pop.

So this will not be a New Year's resolution. It is a change. The next couple of weeks is my last hurrah before I grow up and start taking proper responsibility for myself, my health and my wellbeing. I've already posted that I'll be starting Primordial Sound Meditation shortly; I'm also committed to a weekly "beat" on the Yahoo Contributor Network about my diet and exercise in the New Year, and have roped in my good friend Simon (who helped me with this post) to help with the exercise side of things. With regard to my diet, I know from previous (painful) experience that there is no point in saying I'm going to give up my Costas or my Coca Cola. So I'm just going to moderate them, and instead of cutting out other things, tell myself I can only have cake, chocolate, biscuits or other junk once I've eaten my 5 a day that day, or I can only have a fizzy soft drink once I've had my 2 litres of water.

Watch this space... I'm bound to be on here waxing lyrical - or moaning - about it all!

Disclaimer: This post was written in collaboration with Ladbrokes Bingo.

Clearing the Clutter

I'm a firm believer that your living environment reflects the inside of your head. A while back I wrote a post called Tidy House, Tidy Mind about how I felt I was tidying my mind at the same time as my house. Just lately though, my house has been an absolute tip.

As has my head.

I've been stacking things up thinking, "I'll sort that out later" and "later" has just never arrived. There are old magazines and newspapers all over the place; S's toys are a nightmare, there's clutter everywhere. Every available surface has junk piled on it, and I'm willing to bet at least 50% of that junk could probably just go straight into the bin.

"Please tidy up Mummy; I can't find any of my toys!"

At the moment I'm struggling with a few things mentally. I am at a point where I really need to bite the bullet, put myself out there and say "yes, I am a writer and you should hire me" or admit I'm crap, give up, and get a proper job. I would prefer to do the former, but in order to do that I need to work on some issues and clear my head a bit. I think this is reflected in the state of my house at the moment. There are so many issues, I can't see what's going on. I'm starting a Primordial Sound Meditation course in the next week or so that should hopefully help me to get rid of some of the junk currently cluttering my head. Everything is just a little chaotic, and I need to calm it down!

Last night while S was in the shower, I decided to do something about it. I have one of those baskets that sits at the bottom of the stairs; it's been overflowing for months so I figured that would be as good a place to start as any. I found things in that basket that had been there for over a year! I sorted through everything and found it a home, and now I feel a lot better. The basket has been put back at the bottom of my stairs, empty.

Now to make a start on the rest of the house!

If you've written a post about this sort of thing, or  you have some clever tips, please do comment. I could use all the help I can get!

Bad Driving Habits

This weekend, we went out on a little road trip with my mother.

It wasn't supposed to be a road trip; we were going to Christchurch, to a specific shop, to look at motorbike helmets. But my mother has an incredible ability to get lost in a paper bag. And so we did get rather monumentally lost, doing that classic trip of going up and down the same street several times, driving through a town four times, each from a different direction, and of course the old round-and-round-the-roundabout-we-go. 

Normally I don't mind things like this, but we had S in the car with us, so I was unusually paranoid and nervous about mother's ridiculous antics resulting in an accident.

Luckily S slept through most of Nana's crazy driving moves!

When I came home, I found I had an email about the UK's most hated driving habits. You might have heard about this in the news recently; I know my local radio did a piece on it the other day. The second most irksome driving habit is incorrect or no signalling... say for example, if you just kept going around a roundabout, without either turning off or indicating that you're not turning off...

There were some other interesting points in the survey: for one thing, it seems we're all a bit judgemental when it comes to a car's appearance. Apparently 26% of us think that tinted windows = irresponsible driver, and 30% think having a Taz bumper sticker means a bad driver is on board. Remember that, next time you're shopping for bumper stickers!

Being a passenger, and the mother of the toddler in the car, I ended up spending much of our trip saying "er, do you know the speed limit on this road?" and "could you perhaps be a little more gentle on the brake please!" every few minutes - both of which contributed to my mother's general stressiness. Not only is she great at getting lost, she's not yet mastered the art of the shrug. She forgets that there are sign posts at every junction and it's virtually impossible to be lost when there are three mobile phones in the car, all of which have GPS, Google Maps and who knows what else on them.

Incidentally, the survey didn't look at which sort of bumper sticker denotes a big bubble of stress with no sense of direction... I don't think it's the "Powered by Fairy Dust" one though!

Disclaimer: this post was written in collaboration with Truck Locator Online.

Confidence Issues

I've been really noticing lately that I have some major confidence issues going on.

Whenever someone compliments me, I feel a bit of a fraud. Or I question their judgement. Or both.

Sometimes, the person doing the complimenting is someone I really admire, whose opinion I really value. Then I literally just don't know where to look. A while back, a lady I consider to be very intelligent and successful, who is something of a mentor to me, told me that she liked my blog; it made her question how honest she was. I think that's probably the biggest compliment I've ever had in my life, about anything. And because of who she is, because she is clearly successful and knowledgeable and intelligent, I couldn't just laugh it off as "well, she clearly has no idea about these things" like I usually do.

I think some of my friends probably get a little exacerbated with me at times; no matter how often they tell me they like my outfit, I don't look fat, I am not a bad person, I am quite intelligent actually, they like my blog, they like my writing, I don't look fat, my bum doesn't look big in this... I still don't really believe any of them. I don't see any of that when I look at myself. When I read my writing, I see the poor sentence structure; I see where this paragraph has been put together badly, where I should have included this part up here, and left this part out all together, and why on earth did I feel the need to mention that? When I look in the mirror I see roots and seven chins and a big nose and a giant belly.

Just recently, a few opportunities have come my way.
I've been saying for ages that I want to be able to earn a living from my writing. I would love to be paid to write; I enjoy it and get a great sense of achievement from it. I know I can do it reasonably easily; it's the only thing I've ever known I definitely wanted to do.

So these opportunities have been mentioned, and at first I've said "oh yes, that sounds fantastic, I can't wait, this is going to be great! I am definitely the person you don't even know you're looking for!"

And then there's the part where you actually have to put your hand up and apply and say for definite "yes, I think I'm good enough for this, I think I should be the person you pick for this. I think I can do this for you." And I panic.

It's taken me twelve hours to open an email I knew was about writing, and so far another 2 hours to even begin to reply to it.

Weirdly, when it came to hassling the editor of my local paper to have me write for them, none of this bothered me. I was so convinced I was better than any of their other regular contributors, I knew they would be mad to turn me down. However, I have a blog on their website which doesn't get many readers and I'm not paid for it. There's no pressure to deliver a piece on a weekly or even monthly basis; in fact I think out of all their bloggers, I'm the only one updating even vaguely regularly. I think they should give me a column in the paper and start paying me, because I still think I'm better than the other people they have; I'll tell people this all day long, but only the people whose opinions don't really count. I can't bring myself to call the editor of the paper and tell him; and his is the only opinion that really matters in that one.

Writing has always been a dream for me; I've always pictured myself sitting at a desk, writing some great masterpiece on my laptop all day long. It's always been this grand idea that I would write books, despite the fact I despise writing fiction. But it's only ever been a dream.

This blog, and the one for the local paper, don't really count. They're both on my terms; I can post or not post depending on my mood; I can write about whatever takes my fancy; if you don't like it, you can knob off. It scares the absolute crap out of me to go to a "proper" publisher/editor of any description and say "yes, I can do that. I am the person you are looking for" because what if I can't? What if, when it comes down to it, I'm actually not so great, and I can't consistently delivery quality pieces on a regular basis?

Similarly, I know look okay-ish in my jeans and jumper, but if I wear anything out of the ordinary, I hate it. I notice all the lumps and bumps and judge my reflection relentlessly. I could put this down to my having put on a little weight lately, but realistically I know it has always been there, even when I was relatively fit. In fact, when I think about it, I can think of only one time in my entire life when I knew I looked good; that was in the middle of my breakdown, when I hadn't eaten for three days and wore a black dress to a funeral. I've not worn that dress again since, and had never worn it before; but for one day, I looked damn good in it. I was also so off my head on Valium, I didn't have the wherewithal to worry or even notice whether there were lumps or bumps.

This has turned into a long and rambling post, the main point of which is: since I can't spend the rest of my life off my head on Valium, and I really do want to live my dream of becoming a writer, I probably need to get my shit together and work on my confidence.

Now I just need to figure out how to do that... Suggestions? Anyone?

National UK Blog Awards 2014

I have entered this blog into the "Lifestyle" category of the National Blog Awards.

If you would like to, you can vote for me using the link below. To vote, you enter your details and must receive confirmation, and then go ahead and vote.

Here is the link:

Voting is open from now until 26th January.

Happy voting!

Magic Moments: Weekend Shenanigans

The past few weekends, I feel like I've been a bit of a lazy parent. One or both of us has been ill for what feels like forever, and I feel like we've wasted a lot of our time together by just doing boring, every-day things.

So this weekend, I decided to do something about that!

At the moment our normal routine for any day off is to have a walk into town, see the Christmas trees and lights, maybe buy a few bits and bobs, and then come home and pretty much spend the rest of the day playing, colouring or watching Peppa Pig or something equally as soul destroying.

On Saturday morning though, my sisters were heading to Tesco to do some shopping. I know that sounds fairly boring to most people, but we don't often go to the big out of town Tesco, and S loves to be pushed around in a trolley. Plus I needed supplies for the rest of the day! So I bundled her into the buggy, and we walked across the park and up the main road to Tesco. We spent a couple of hours wandering up and down the aisles (my sister was doing a full weekly shop, and is very indecisive!). S did get a little bored toward the end, but for the most part I think she had fun.

On our way home, we popped into Homebase and bought a roll of lining paper for drawing on, and the minute we got home I rolled it out across the floor and gave S some pens. She was as happy as Larry for ages, enjoying moving up and down the paper to draw. 

Once the novelty of drawing had worn off, we tried out the "pipe cleaners in a colander" game I've heard a lot about lately. It's supposed to help with fine motor skills... I think perhaps S is a little young for that one yet though, as she mostly just removed the pipe cleaners from the holes and put them in her ears! It was fun though, and she did seem to enjoy herself!

After that, we made some mince pies, which was a little messy but fun. Predictably, S ended up spooning the mixture straight into her mouth! Luckily I had employed a little forethought, and we were using shop-bought mincemeat, not the booze-infested jars I still have in the corner of my kitchen! 

Mince pies for dinner, nom!

On Sunday, I had a bit of a hangover having been out for a friend's birthday. My sister (chief babysitter) was going out with my mum to somewhere they'd never driven to before, in order to choose a new bike helmet... so I thought, what the hell, why don't we go too!

So S and I got ourselves all dressed and ready, and two hours later my mother turned up (she is late for everything). Off we went to a bike shop on the side of a busy road, where we spent a large amount of time looking at different helmets... Well, my sister and my mum did; we spent that time walking up and down a dotted white line they had on the carpet to make a fake road, and playing peekaboo with their mirror. Then we went to KFC over the road for lunch. S has never had fast food before, and I would have preferred we go somewhere else to be honest; but it was past lunch time, we were in danger of a meltdown, and since my mother has an uncanny ability to get lost anywhere and everywhere, within moments, I didn't fancy getting back into the car to find food.

After a half-hearted attempt at chips and pop corn chicken (while I was secretly pleased to see she really wasn't interested in it) we got back into the car and proceeded to get very lost on a very basic ring road. We went around the same roundabout approximately four times, and drove through the town centre from various directions at least three times. Then we eventually ended up in a neighbouring town, where we went for a little wander around the shops.

This was the first time I've ever taken S out somewhere other than into Salisbury without the buggy or a sling. I was a little worried about how that would pan out, but as it turned out it was mostly fine. We had a couple of hairy moments when she didn't fancy wandering around Primark, but to be fair I think that would have happened whether she were in the buggy or not! I'm proud of my little chicken for coping with a whole day out and about!

All in all, a great weekend was had. This is S's last week at nursery before they break up for Christmas so I'm busy planning all sorts of mischief for the next couple of weeks now... Feel free to comment with ideas of how we can have the maximum amount of fun possible!

Saturday is Christmas Tree Caption Day

Can you caption my photo?

Weekend Blog Hop 2013-12-14

Laura at My Life As A Mummy is taking a little break from blogging while she finishes brewing her new baby, and has asked me to host the Weekend Blog Hop in her absence.

I'm really excited about this, as I love the Weekend Blog Hop. Last time I hosted it I met several new people - and I'm hoping the people who linked up here also met new people!

So without further ado, here we go.

Add a link to your blog here:


Add a link to your Facebook page here:

Have a fabulous weekend! Don't forget to visit other blogs and Facebook pages in this linky, and come back next week!

Ranty Friday: Advice on Parenting

You know what really irritates me?

Parenting experts. Or really, any sort of parenting advice.

We don't need your advice!

It's not just the "experts" and the books I dislike though; I also hate all the random, unsolicited advice you just seem to be a target for when you're a parent. Just this week, a lady in the chemist told me she'd give me a syringe for S's medicine, but that I really should try and get her to take it from a spoon... Why? Are they going to stop making syringes soon? Will the ones that come free with Calpol suddenly become the wrong shape to fit in child's mouth? Will I have to turn to the black market for one of the old-style syringes that currently come with every single bottle of children's medicine available on the shelf in Boots? Who gives a shit if she never takes medicine from a spoon? I certainly don't I have bigger fish to fry, lady.

You get people telling you your baby is too hot, too cold, should be wearing a hat, shouldn't be wearing a hat, should be in a buggy, should be crawling by now, should be sleeping through the night, should be, should be, should be. Based on what? Your extensive experience of working with thousands of children from all walks of life, with different needs and temperaments and personalities? Or the one or two children you're still busy raising? (who are usually fighting/spitting/swearing in the background while you're busy dishing out your wisdom)

I've had numerous people tell me that I "needed" to do controlled crying with S to "make" her sleep through the night. One person who tried to make me do this was a parent to one child, a little boy who was very clingy and insecure. I found myself thinking, I don't want my daughter to be like yours, so why would I take your advice?

When they reach toddlerhood the advice seems to reach epic proportions. I shouldn't be letting her walk to and from nursery; I shouldn't be carrying her either, though (perhaps she should have learned to float by now?); she shouldn't be allowed to lead me around the shops in town (I should do the leading apparently, even if we are in no mad rush and it doesn't matter if we never get to the till to buy this magazine).

It also makes me really uncomfortable when people ask me for advice on any aspect of parenting. I want to laugh at them and ask, "does it really look like I've got my shit together enough to know how to handle my own kid? Let alone yours?"

I am an expert, but in a very narrow field. I am an expert in my child. I can tell you what she's eaten today, the consistency of her last bowel movement, how many hours' sleep she's had in the last week, what sort of mood she's in, what colour pen she's drawn all over the bottoms of her feet with. I can tell you how to calm her down if she's upset, the best toys to give her, which dvds and TV shows are her favourites, which foods she is most likely to want for tea. I can tell you what she wants when she's saying that sound. I can tell you what she likes to do on our days off together, which shops she likes to go in, where she likes to stand to stare at the Christmas tree in town, where she likes to go to feed the ducks, the long route she likes to walk home from nursery. I can even tell you the exact circuit of toys we will do each morning in nursery before she lets go of my hand and allows me to leave her (yes, I wait for my child to be comfortable and settled before I bolt out of the nursery door. Tell me not to, I dare you).

How much of that is of any use to you, raising your child?

Of course, if you're having trouble getting your child to go to bed at night, I can tell you what works for me. And you'll most probably balk at the idea of leaving your child watching Despicable Me until they fall asleep.

There is some science involved, and psychologists can tell you about typical brain development, which concepts a 4 year old is and is not typically able to grasp - which can be useful if you're trying to understand how your child's brain works, why they don't understand when you ask them to do this but they're able to do that... but it's all pretty abstract isn't it. It still all comes down to the individual. No expert, scientist or otherwise, can say to you "yes, when you child is exactly 3 years and 7 months of age he will understand this but until that point, it will remain a mystery." They can give you a ball-park figure that "most children grasp this before they reach 4" but that's about the limit of it.

Children are all individuals. Even babies. Even when they've just been born. There is no one size fits all parenting model that fits every parent and every child. I detest the idea that anyone can tell me how to raise my child, especially those that state with such certainty, "oh, you need to get out of that habit." It drives me up the shitting wall.