On The Wright Stuff the other morning they were discussing Ian Duncan-Smith’s latest plan, to cap Child
Benefit for people who have more than two children. A lady called in saying
that “single mothers are the biggest problem, they have as many children as
they like, nobody caps their benefit.” The presenter asked her, why pick on
single mums when their Child Benefit is not going to be making a big difference
to them, and she responded “that’s not the only benefit they get, is it… they
get plenty of other benefits, and they can get anything they need as single
parents.”
One of the panellists, Yasmin
Alibhai-Brown, replied, “I hope you’re never reduced to the point where you are
a single parent, because then you’ll know… I was one, once, and I find it quite
offensive that you’re talking in this voice about people who never asked for
it, most of them.”
The woman responded that yes,
most of them are asking for it, they go out and deliberately have children and
live off the state. Obviously this woman is bonkers and talking from her
behind, but she represents what a lot of people think when they see “single
mother.”
I was talking to a friend earlier
this week, who was telling me about a couple she knew. The boyfriend had a son
with an ex partner, who he used to have on weekends, but would usually just
drop off at his parents’ house until it was time to take him back to his
mother. He no longer sees this child, and doesn’t seem bothered by it. He has a
new partner now and they have a daughter together who seems to get about the
same amount of attention from her father as her half brother. Both parents seem
more interested in going out getting drunk or stoned, and the daughter is
palmed off on whichever friends or relatives will have her. And yet, to a large
portion of society, a couple with a young child looks better on paper than me,
a single mother with a baby.
I am lucky enough to still look
fairly young, and when I walk around with S in the pushchair I am sometimes aware
that people are giving me that look,
that I’m one of those mothers, a
pramfaced teenager who’s had a child to avoid work and live off their taxes for
the rest of my days. Especially when they see me walking back towards this
particular estate, which has always had a bad reputation. They don’t see that
my child is clean, well dressed, happy, developing well despite having been
born early, and most importantly, safe
whilst being cared for by a single mother, in a council flat, receiving
benefits. They don’t see that I spend 24 hours a day with her, that she is
never left to cry, my money goes on buying things for her or making the house
nice so that she has somewhere homely to grow up. They don’t see me spending
whole afternoons sitting on my living room floor playing daft games and pulling
faces, giving myself a headache from shaking my head so much because I know it
makes her laugh. They see the label, they judge, and they carry on with their
days.
Why do people have this opinion
of single mothers? Is it really the case that single mothers are any less
capable, any more feckless, than a couple who are having children and not
bothering to raise them properly? Surely the problem lies with the parent, not
the situation, or how many parents are there (or not there) doing a good or bad
job? Surely if a woman is a single mother, for whatever reason, we should want
our taxes to go toward ensuring she is able to afford to bring her child up
well, with clothes on its back and food in its belly?
I am a firm believer that all
mothers should have the choice as to whether they go back to work. In my
lifetime we seem to have gone from women having to leave their job and never go
back if they had a child, to women getting 6 months off and then having to go
back to their job, whether they want to or not. Can we not have anything
between these two states? If, as a single mother, I choose not to go back to
work, am I a scourge on society and a sad indictment of the way the world is
going, where my married friends who have not gone back to work are wholesome
stay-at-home mums raising well-rounded, happy children behind their white
picket fence?
Incidentally, the panellist from
the show, Yasmin Alibhai-Brown, is my new role model and hero. She responded to
that caller with “I am a tax payer, and I don’t
mind my taxes going to the poor. I mind them going to the rich.”
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I don't really know much about the benefit system so it isn't something I want to comment on, other than to say your points are very persuasive, but I just wanted to say this is a really well written post, I especially like the third paragraph and the image it conjures up of you playing with S.
ReplyDeleteAw thanks Caroline! I wasn't too sure I'd written enough. I don't know much about the benefit system either, and it's very complicated - some might say intentionally.
ReplyDeleteWell done and thanks for writing this. So well written, Vicky. Thanks for sharing. It's high time society started to hold the other parent accountable instead of blaming the ones who are actually being responsible and looking after the children to the best of their ability.
ReplyDeleteI'm proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself. We are double parents, not single parents - we do double the parenting work.
thedoubleparent.wordpress.com
And of course only a very small percentage of lone parents fit the stereotype 'teenage single mum on benefits' . Not that there is necessarily anything wrong with that either. But most lone parents work, are older, may be separated, widowed divorced or indeed men!
ReplyDelete