Wednesday, 12 March 2014


Some people seem determined to judge and spread negativity. They know best; you are wrong. You shouldn't have done that, you should have done this like this, you shouldn't think that/do that/dress like that/live like that/parent like that.

I am a single mother. I know that having a blog and daring to write about my experience puts me in the firing line. Anyone who puts their head above the parapet and speaks out is in for it in this culture. Just lately, some comments on some of my work have downright surprised me though. For example, this post for Yahoo about my journey as a single parent. I had intended it to be a positive piece about how I'd started out depressed and afraid but actually now was doing quite well. The comments on it surprised me; people seem determined to make assumptions and judge based on those assumptions.

Then there's this piece about how I decided to go self employed. Instead of read it and think "good luck to her" people feel the need to comment with unending negativity - about me, and about how being self employed isn't as great as I make it out to be.

And this piece about being depressed in pregnancy, where some woman says she feels sorry for my child!

I spend a lot of time on the internet (even with my current self-imposed social media ban). Every day I read things I disagree with. People parenting in a way I wouldn't choose to. People choosing to write a post on Facebook where they call their child a little shit or worse. People agreeing with government policies I had hoped were a joke. I'm not argumentative enough to leave a comment beneath any of it though. Am I alone in this? I just think "that's a bit shit" and click to a different page. Scroll on past.

But with my life (and with many others who end up judged so harshly) there is also the other aspect of it: the fact that, regardless of whether I made poor choices in my life up to this point or not, the end result is that there is a child. She is alive, and she needs to be looked after and raised well. I can't put her back in; she won't fit. So while everyone is busy arguing and judging over whether I should or shouldn't have had a baby when I hadn't been with the father for long, or was on medication or whatever else... there is still a child.

Surely it would be more beneficial for all concerned - not least the child - if we could all put our judgement and recriminations to one side and look at how best to care for the child. Not just my child, but all children who are born in less than ideal circumstances.

Yes, you could cut benefits and have single mothers fend for themselves, as one commenter has suggested - but that's punishing the child as much as the mother. The child has done nothing wrong. Don't they deserve just as much of a chance in life as a child of a wealthy, two-parent family?

By all means, call me names. Punish me. But don't punish my child. Don't judge my child; she has done nothing wrong, and she is perfect, just as she is.


  1. Can't believe people can be so unthoughtfull and nasty.....oh no wait a minute, yes I can. If you get these sort of comments just read them, take pity on the writer, and move on to your next piece. If people start using your child as a way of showing their distaste then shame on them. You just keep going and don't look back.

  2. Vicky, the press/ media and the politicians are all blaming those in need for the current crisis rather than looking at their own behaviours and how they have impacted the economy. I totally get what you mean. I am the proud owner of several 'invisible' health conditions and I get judged all the time. I don't go out I'm a hermit. rude, stand-offish or think I'm too good for people when in reality I'm either too unwell to but one foot in front of the other or too dammed skint because through no fault of my own I am left with 4p in my bank as the DWP has moved my payment date again !! I don't know how these people manage to have the affluent life styles they do on benefits. I don't have a life on benefits; I exist !! My health has not improved, my care needs have remained the same but some paper-pusher in DWP land has decided I can survive on a pittance. Bet they couldn't do it !! I'm lucky, I have a good support network around me and have parents who are able to loan me extra cash when I need it. I know I am incredibly lucky with this but I still don't like to ask them for financial support because quite frankly and I'm sure you agree life just wasn't meant to be like this...

  3. Let the haters hate, the judgers judge and the trolls troll. It's their karma and energy they are wasting. Just keep doing what you're doing and you will reap what you sow. Keep smiling mama. Good luck to you. x


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