Around 10 years ago, a friend had a baby. She was the first of my friends to have a child, and I couldn't understand why she was suddenly spending so long crossing roads. I would happily run across the road, leaving her standing, waiting for the traffic to stop. She told me, "I can't just wheel my child out in front of a car; she's my baby!" I didn't really get it.
Fast forward ten years, and I have S. My life revolves around her, and I am super cautious with many things. We always wait for the green man when crossing the road. I still go upstairs to check on her several times every evening, and sometimes in the night I have to reach into her cot to check she is breathing if I can't hear her.
A few weeks ago I was going for coffee with a friend while S was at nursery. As we waited to cross the road he remarked that I'd missed several opportunities to cross while I waited for the lights to change. My response was, well, I'm more cautious these days.
Not only is S my life, but I am very conscious of the fact that I am hers. She doesn't have a father to rely on; she only has me. I can't afford to take stupid risks with crossing roads, because it's not just me who would be affected, if anything happened.
On the other hand though, I took a massive risk in going self employed. I'm not sure what came over me, because when I think of the cold hard facts, they scare the bejesus out of me. But I still did it; I think perhaps because for me, it's the only way I'll have any sort of control over my ability to earn, and eventually earn enough so as to not be reliant on tax credits and housing benefit. That could never have happened in a normal job.
I, too, became more cautious, but I don't know if everyone does. One of my friends is just as much of a daredevil as she was before she had her son.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I was ever into the knife throwing circus act but I do remember wanting to bubble wrap my kids when they were little. Until I realized I was imparting all my fears on them. I did not want them growing up weird like me. So, I learned to draw the line between between cautious and downright fearful. I am happy to say that I have two bold and fearless daughters, who are now in their mid twenties...oh heck, the oldest is turning 30 this year!
ReplyDeleteEventually - you do get past the *overly* cautious bit. It's exhausting. And limiting.