Easter Monday: Ponderings on Motherhood

S was born on 9th April, 2012.

It was Easter Monday.

We have already celebrated S's second birthday, and it was great fun. 

But Easter is still a big deal for me.

I went into labour early on Easter morning. I spent Easter afternoon in hospital, tied up to monitors. I was induced early on Easter Monday, and S was born that evening.

Yesterday, as I watched my child trying valiantly to bite the top off an Easter egg, I thought to myself, how different this is from two years ago. I thought about how scared I was, to have gone into labour 5 weeks early; to be scared not just of losing my baby, but of showing my fear or any other feeling.

On Easter evening two years ago, they gave me some codeine, attached me to some monitors and told me to try and get some sleep. I probably got a couple of hours, spread over about 7. 

That was the last night I spent alone. In fact, there have been relatively few nights since then that I've even been alone in my bed!

That night, I knew I would be a mother within 24 hours. I knew, in a kind of abstract way, that my life would change... but nothing can actually prepare you for that change. 

In the bit where you're in labour but it's moving slowly, all you can think is that you want it to just get going and be over with. When you're at the part where it's painful, you're in too much pain to contemplate what happens when it's all over. And then... then suddenly you're a mother. And there's this tiny little baby and people are cooing and it's all so surreal.

It's not until the dust settles, and the visitors leave and you're left there alone... that you realise you're not alone any more. It's not just you any more. You realise that at some point, back there when you weren't paying so much attention, your life changed completely. And whatever happens next, nothing will ever be the same again.

At least once a day, I think:

This is bonkers! They let me keep this kid? I'm not responsible enough to be a mother!

And at least once a day, I look at my child and think:

How the hell did I ever get this lucky?! 

Honestly, I feel like the luckiest person in the world. Every. Single Day. 

And so today, I will mostly be playing with my child, making a mess, breathing in every single ounce of her awesomeness. For she is the first, and quite probably the only perfect thing I have ever produced.

(Insert corny comment about Easter and rebirth here)