Guest Post from Trina Brooks

Go into anyone's house and the one thing you will always find are pictures. Our homes are filled with photographs of family and friends - the people we love and want to remember. We look at a snapshot that has captured a single moment in time. Memories of that time flood our senses. How often do we display pictures of people we don't like? Of a person whose very face is a reminder of bad times and hurt feelings? We don't. Our walls and mantles, like our Facebook pages, are a chronicle of the happy times in our lives.

I've raised my daughter on my own since she was two months old and her father left us. For over ten years we have gotten along just fine. Then, out of the blue, she tells me she wants to contact her dad. He had never been in her life. No birthday or Christmas cards, no phone calls or emails. He was a name and a myth of a man who lived across the ocean. For some reason, at this time in her life, that wasn't enough anymore. Contacting him wasn't difficult. I still had his email address and people tended to keep those over the years. Still, I hesitated. It wasn't easy to put aside the myriad of emotions that go with a broken relationship. In my mind, he didn't deserve her. Other than her actual creation, he had contributed very little to her life; no child support and definitely no emotional support. So what rights did he have? None, legally, but this wasn't about him or me. It was what she wanted. I was afraid he would hurt her or disappoint her, as he had me, so many times. Still, I tried to stay neutral. Over the previous decade he had slipped from my mind, any anger or bitterness had long since dissipated. My life was full. I had my daughter, a good job and, after a decade of being single, had met the man I was planning on spending the rest of my life with. There was no room for hostility - or so I thought. On behalf of my daughter I contacted her father. I kept it short.

"Your daughter would like to get to know you. Would it be alright if she emailed you?"

He responded within a day, "Yes, I've been waiting all my life for this."

Long buried resentment rose up. If that was true why hadn't he taken time out of his busy decade and sent her an email? I restrained myself from saying anything to that effect. Later that week I helped her compose her first letter to him. At the end she asked, "Is it okay if I write that I love him?" She was so full of love and affection for people. "Of course you can." I told her. Although later I complained to my boyfriend.

"I raised her. I've been there for her every day. I gave up a career for her. I take her on vacations, arrange birthday parties, taught her to skate...and she loves me. He's never lifted a finger or contributed to her life in any meaningful way...and she loves him. It's not fair." I knew I was over simplifying things, but it still galled me that his mere existence elicited her love and devotion.

Over the next few months they exchanged the occasional email. It seemed enough for her that they had connected, although she sometimes spoke of visiting him. Through their emails, which she shared with me, I learned he had lost his job, his apartment and had moved back home with his mother. Through my daughter he was aware of my career successes and my relationship status. They say success is the greatest revenge, and I admit I was reveling in it. When I mentioned, smugly, to my sister that I was going to post pictures of our latest vacation just to rub it in to him, she admonished me. "You have so much, all he has is her, at least give him that." She had never been a fan of his but she was right, I was being petty.

My daughter asked if she could send him some pictures. She even picked out a frame. He sent her a thank you email and said he keeps the picture on his bedside table, so he could see her face before he went to bed and when he woke up each morning. I rolled my eyes at that comment.

Last week it was her birthday. No card or gift arrived from her father. It was my boyfriend and I who ferried a rambunctious group of eleven year olds around for the party. In one year my boyfriend had done more for her than her father ever had. Yet, when I went downstairs the next morning to clean up, I found a photograph in a frame. It was the one of her father she kept in a frame in her room. She must have brought it down to show all her friends that she did indeed have a dad, and that she knew him, talked to him and would some day visit him.

I realized then and there, that no matter what my own personal demons were, this was her father. To her that meant something. I couldn't help thinking about this little girl with the picture she kept beside her bed and the grown man, an ocean away, with his own bedside photograph. It was their link. It had nothing to do with me. For him, I can only surmise, his photo was proof of something good in his life. For my daughter, it grounded her. She was no longer the only kid in the class who didn't have some kind of dad. Hers' just happened to live far away, but he loves her. She knows this, because he tells her so.

So there on the mantel, beside the school portraits and vacation pictures, is one photograph of a man, who is a stranger, from a far away place and who smiles with my daughter's eyes.

Trina blogs at An Unscripted Life.

Motherhood: A Truce

To celebrate Mother's Day, I'm publishing a guest post from Claire Paye of Mothers at Home Matter.

As a spokesperson for Mothers at Home Matter, I would like to offer a truce for Mother’s Day.  A truce between working mothers and stay at home mothers.  The media constantly stokes the flames of the phoney war between mothers through stereotyping.  Stay at home mothers are at home because they are so wealthy they do not need to work.  Working mothers have no choice but to work.  

In reality, things are much more nuanced.  It is tricky to discuss mothers’ choices as there always seems to be an undercurrent of judgementalism.  Let me see whether I can try to bust some myths without bias.

Myth 1:  All working mothers have to work.  Actually, some working mothers work because they want to, not because they have to.  They enjoy work.  Their children are happy at nursery.  The lifestyle they earn is worth reducing the amount of time they can spend with their children.  

Myth 2:  All working mothers have no choice but to work to put food on the table.  In fact, some mothers work because they have bought a large house and put children into private school and they have to work to afford this.  This is the choice they have made and they are happy with it.  

Myth 3:  The only thing the Government can do to help families is to pay for childcare so that both parents can work.  Rubbish.  The Government could sort out the discrimination in the tax system against single income families, where a parent stays at home to look after children or even elderly relatives.  Single income families are taxed so heavily that for a family to increase their disposable income by £3.5k the main earner needs to earn an additional £13k.  However, if the mother goes out to work, they can increase their income by £10.5k straight away as there is no tax on her personal allowance.  So, yes, both parents have to work in this situation, but largely because there is no acceptance of caring responsibilities in the tax system.

Myth 4:  All mothers want to work more. In fact, in a recent survey, 71% of mothers wanted to work fewer hours.  Many mothers work more hours than they want to.  

What are the stay at home mother myths?

Myth 1:  All stay at home mothers are wealthy.  Actually, some stay at home mothers in secure partnerships are in the lowest income bracket of the country because they lose almost half as much again of their income in tax as families where both parents work.  They are not wealthy yummy mummies.  They will never be able to afford a house.  They don’t have a car.  They don’t go on expensive holidays.  They have made financial sacrifices because they think it is important to look after their children themselves.  

Myth 2:  If stay at home mothers are well off, this is just lucky for them.  I’d like to stick my neck out and make the outrageous suggestion that being able to afford to stay at home is not always unfair.  It may be that these mothers worked hard at school, worked hard to get and keep a good job before they had children and were thrifty in what they spent.  They bought a house they could afford on one salary.  They are indeed blessed in life, but they may actually deserve some of the good fortune.  However, woe betide anyone who suggests a link between hard work, spending decisions and income levels.  The poor are always the deserving poor.  However, this links into…

Myth 3:  A mother on benefits is a scrounger.  Why is ok to get government support to pay others to look after your children, but not to get government support to look after them yourself?  Why should the babies of lower income families have to be sent to nurseries, supported by the government?  Why can’t the same money be allocated to support babies in the home environment?

Myth 4:  Stay at home mothers don’t want to do paid work.  Some mothers would like to work but can’t find a job that fits their commitment to their children.  

Myth 5:  Just being at home means you are doing the best thing for your children.  Unfortunately, some stay at home mothers are not really at home.  They spend their time on the computer, watching tv, or even on drugs.  They don’t play with their children, or even make eye contact with them.  Their children are not in the best place for them.  

Myth 6:  Because some mothers are not perfect, the State knows better than mothers what is good for children.  The vast, vast majority of mothers at home are working hard to make sure their children know they are loved and cared for.  And the vast, vast majority of mothers at work are doing all they can to make sure their children know they are loved and cared for.  So let’s not have policies that tell the 80% of the population how to look after their children (send them to school at 2, use taxes to pay for free school meals instead of trusting what mothers put in lunchboxes) when it’s the 20% who are struggling.  Help the 20% without penalising the 80%.

Myth 7:  It is easy looking after babies and children at home.  It isn’t.  If you think it is, you either haven’t tried it or you can’t remember.  

I hope you’ll adopt my Mother’s Day truce.  Almost all mothers love their children deeply.  Almost all babies and children are besotted by their mothers.  Their mother is the single most important person in their lives.  They just don’t always show it.  Especially when they are tired!  One thing all mothers agree on, there is nothing more beautiful than the sight of their sleeping child.  Happy Mother’s Day.

Single Parents Can Foster Too!

This is a guest post from Lorimer Foster Services

Every 22 minutes a child is taken into care (figures from fostering charity, the Fostering Network). Some need long term fostering and some just need short term fostering or respite care, either way there are over 4000 children in need of a safe place.

Lorimer Foster Services are on a recruitment drive to get more carers to help with the number of children in care, but also help raise awareness that anyone can become a foster carer.

It is a common misconception that single parents cannot become foster carers. Somewhere down the line the idea that the perfect foster home is a stay at home Mum and hard working dad with older children who may have left home has become the norm.

There is no such thing as a ‘normal’ family; it is now common for children to grow up with 2 Mums, 2 dads, a step family and half siblings or just 1 parent. Single parent families are becoming more normal and while they face particular hardships and challenges, they are doing a great job at the same time.

Being a single parent, you sometimes have to make a compromise between work and your child. You make a decision that suits your family; this may be going back to work and paying for childcare or you may decide to be a stay at home mum or work part time. Foster care is not a typical career, but many single parents who have decided to stay at home find it is a good career option for them and their families.

Being a foster carer is a good career choice if you enjoy looking after children and have room. A social worker will help find a suitable foster child who will thrive in your care without impacting your birth child, or children, too much. Some social workers will advise that if you foster a child that they are a different age to your birth children, as this can help your birth child and the foster child settle much better. However, some carers find that if the children are the same age they can participate in similar activities which can make things easier, you can discuss this with your social worker and figure out what is best for you.

Looking after a child that is not your own, entitles you to certain allowances that are tax free and will not affect any benefits or tax credits you currently receive. Once upon a time, fostering was considered a voluntary service or charity, however, now to recruit and retain good foster carers it is accepted that local authorities offer financial support, especially as some foster carers give up full time employment to foster and enjoy fostering as a career. Fostering can work really well for single parents as they may already need to stay at home to care for their own children. If you join a good fostering agency they can negotiate up to £500 a week tax free for each child you foster.

From the applicants we see, single parents are often some of the best foster carers; they are committed to the role and have a good experience of parenting their own children.

Although anyone can apply to be a foster carer, you are more likely to be successful in your application if you can demonstrate parental skills, as single parents have already assumed the roles of mother and father in some cases. A good foster carer is optimistic with a good sense of humour.

Giving Up Make Up For Lent

I'm not the only giving up daft things for Lent; Lucy Sutton has given up (brace yourselves, ladies) wearing make up for Lent!

When I was on BBC WM on the first day of Lent talking about not interacting on social media, Lucy was also interviewed. I emailed her afterwards and asked if she'd like to share her experience on the blog...

You may be reading the title of this and thinking – WHAT?!

Yes you read right, I have decided to give up make up for Lent.

Now this wasn’t a decision I took lightly, I can assure you, I made sure that there weren’t going to be any BIG celebrations during the time of my make up abstinence, that I needed to put on my slap for and I think I definitely got the timing right!

I have many reasons for giving up make up for Lent and the main reason that I wanted to do it is to say to women – you don’t need make up to be beautiful, your beauty comes from within and you shouldn’t mask your inner beauty. I wear make up to hide my insecurities as a woman and I know a lot of women can relate to this and I want to show them that you can still be beautiful without make up on.

I had decided to give up make up a couple of weeks before Lent started and I thought I could ‘prep’ my skin before the day came to show my naked face. Now, during this time, I got all my skincare products out, not many might I add, just day and night moisturiser, face wash, exfoliator and sudocream. Typically, I hadn’t noticed much difference in my skin having used all these products, every morning and evening, and I was getting worried that I was going to be faced with dreadful skin for Lent. However, the last week of prepping my skin, I did notice that my redness, blotches and spots were going and thought to myself, ‘YES!!’ I can be content with the way my skin looked and be happy with it for the duration of Lent. Unbeknown to me, someone, somewhere decided that ‘Hey…I’m going to test Lucy even further by giving her spots overnight, the day before for the big reveal’ and guess what? I woke up the morning of Lent and there they were, SPOTS!!!

Oh how I wanted to have a big black hole and fall right into it….

First day came and I walked into work and found myself very exposed, vulnerable and a little bit scared.

I hadn’t told anyone that I was giving it up, apart from 1 person in another department, so I wasn’t really expecting much talk about it. I found that when I was speaking to people or listening to what others were saying, I would cover up the bottom half of my face (which is where I had my spots) just to hide them away and I kept my head down most times too. I couldn’t wait to finish work that day and just go back to the comfort of my own home and just hide away – my husband, family and friends knew about it and they’ve been giving me fantastic support throughout it so far. But all credit to my husband Luke, who’s had to put up with it!

I made the brave decision to post on Facebook and Twitter that I was giving up make up for Lent and the response I have had has just been incredible and a lot of women that I know couldn’t quite believe why I was doing it and also expressed their admiration for me showing off my ‘naked’ face on Facebook. For me, this was my way of just getting it out there and showing everybody that I’m doing this for me, not anyone else, not my husband or my family, but for me. I want to show everybody what I can achieve and at the end of it, I want to look back and say ‘Yes I gave up make up for Lent and proud of it’.

Everyone has been so supportive and a friend of mine put me onto a radio producer who was keen to chat to me on a late night radio show – I thought I aced it! It was definitely the proudest moment of my life so far and for me, it was a big deal as I’m not the most confident person and it has brought me out of my shell. I was proud to talk on the radio about my decision to give up make up and even the host couldn’t believe it either!

Since then, I have been positive and although I have had my low moments – I’ve perked myself up knowing that I will achieve something at the end of it.

I’ve had some funny questions and comments from various people regarding my ‘naked’ face, questions being:

1. You feeling ok?
2. You look really tired….(I do look tired without mascara – you can see my bags!)
3. Your eyes look red, you ok?

I’m currently on my second week of Lent and I can safely say I have embraced it with open arms, I’m still feeling up and down, but I know I will absolutely look back on my experience and say yes, I did it.

2 weeks down, another 4 to go….

From Depressed & Miserable to Beauty Pageant Queen - Dawn's Story!

My friend Dawn is Miss Wiltshire in the British Beauty Curve 2014 pageant. And she's being a little too quiet about how awesome that is, so I thought I'd write a blog post about her and her supreme awesomeness.

Miss Wiltshire Curve, 2014

Dawn says: 

Originally I entered simply because... why not! I forgot about it, and then at Christmas last year I received a letter saying I'd been chosen as a finalist! My first reaction was to laugh... then I was telling myself I couldn't do it - but after encouragement from friends and family, I decided I would do it! It's amazing to think the opportunities you could miss through self doubt, so I'm grateful for the encouragement I received to go ahead with it.

Dawn has a very interesting past, and has had a lot of experiences I'm sure we can all relate to. 

Dawn is now engaged to a lovely man named Steve, but before that she was married to an abusive man who made her life hell. She had two children with him, and says the "PND" she suffered with both children "was a mixture of trying to get everything right so it didn't make him mad, generally trying to bring up children whilst walking on egg shells... It was really, really hard. I often had very dark thoughts, sometimes suicidal."

Dawn had a really hard time when both of her eldest children were very small. I asked her what helped her to get over the depression:

I couldn't stop crying all the time, and my ex husband was really losing it with me. I went to the doctor and they prescribed antidepressants. I know not everyone thinks they are the answer but for me, I'm sure they saved my life. I went from never leaving the house, just eating and crying all day, to walking every day and looking after myself a lot better, which in turn made me happier so my children were happier too.

Eventually Dawn's marriage broke down and her husband left. I asked her if she found it hard to become a single mother.

No, not really! It was a huge relief when the monster was out of the house; I could breathe for the first time in years! The hardest part for me was living in fear. He stalked me all the time, would kick my front door in and try to strangle me. He rammed my face into the fridge once as well. I lived in a block of flats at the time and my pushchair would be left in the shed downstairs. He was often hiding in there, waiting to attack me. He would climb onto the roof of the block and watch me through the window.

The "being a mother" part of it was lovely though; I was very protective of my kids, and suddenly we had light in our lives. We could watch what we wanted on TV, make a mess and not tidy it up immediately, do what we wanted when we wanted without asking permission. 

Dawn now has a third child with Steve; Billy is now five and just as gorgeous as his older brother and sister.

Dawn's eldest son, Max, has high functioning autism. When he moved up to secondary school last September, Dawn took the decision to remove him from mainstream school and to home school him instead.

I knew Max would face difficulties at secondary school. The school had assured me that they would support him and make sure he was safe, but unfortunately that wasn' the case. The final straw came for me when Max was asked, unsupported, to paint music. He found that really challenging, and ended up having a meltdown which involved him hitting his head and face on a table, and then a wall. He was given a detention for disrupting the class! Without a second thought, I removed him from the school.

Then I was in a situation where, all of a sudden and without any preparation, I was home schooling my son. It was scary but definitely the best thing I have ever done for him. We have good days and bad days. We have lots of days out and do different projects.

I've been lucky to have a huge amount of support from friends and family; it's been a bit overwhelming! 

Max is like a different boy now; he goes out and plays, he is confident and has even taken up running. He wants to go to college to become a mechanic. I'm concerned that I won't be able to teach him what he needs to get into college, so I'm in the middle of trying to get him a Statement, so that maybe then he could go to a special needs school part time.

My other children, Jess and Billy, won't be home schooled. They understand that Max needs extra help and support from me and that secondary school didn't work out for him. I have no worries about Jess and Billy in that respect at all.

Dawn also has a blog: Morning Glory

I have battled an eating disorder called Binge Eating Disorder for many years. For some reason, writing it all down and getting out there made me lose the victim skin I often felt I wore. Suddenly I was a survivor, and I had a lot to say about things! It's very raw and honest. 

I don't write posts every day; I just do it as and when I want to. It's helping me overcome my BED, but I'm far from cured; it will be with me for life. It's under control now though. The blog is also there to show other women who have had a crappy past, that the future is in your hands. Nobody is going to come along with a magic wand and make you feel better; you have to do the work yourself.

Check me out; I'm in a frikkin beauty pageant! High five to me!

I have known Dawn since I was 9, and she really is an inspiration. I'm so pleased she's doing this pageant and I really hope she wins; she bloody deserves to!

Click here to listen to Dawn's radio interview about her past, her relationship with food, and the pageant.

Guest Post: How Super is Super Nanny Parenting?

This is a guest post by Jane Evans, a parenting specialist and trainer. You can find more information on Jane at the end of the post.

Super Nanny first appeared on our screens in 2004 and since then has gone on to have a major influence on how children are raised in the UK and the USA and indeed has a global audience. It revolves around the use of the ‘naughty step’ or ‘one strike and you are out!’ for ‘unacceptable’ behaviour and reward charts for all the acceptable, ‘good jobs’. Sounds reasonable given that the basis for centuries of child-rearing has stemmed from, ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ but where is the research and science which shows us that this is the most beneficial thing to do for our children?

In contrast to this traditional behaviour based approach, which relies heavily on the idea of controlling and training a child to do as they are told too, there is plenty of brain science and research to make it clear that children do far better when we can engage their thinking brain and work with them to explore emotional states. A great book for this is ‘The Whole Brain Child’ by Siegel and Payne Bryson. It explains how children can respond and learn better if we keep them in the thinking, neocortex brain as opposed to the more primitive survival and emotional parts of the brain.

Why? Well, have you ever tried listening, absorbing and learning when you are scared and ashamed, your heart is racing, you feel emotional, your breathing is rapid and you have the immediate urge to either strike out or run away! When we punish, or give a consequence, for behaviour we do not want, or like, a child feels shame and a whole range of other emotions. They flip into their survival part of the brain which disables their ability to attend to new information and act upon it, so basically all they hear is “blah, blah, blah”. However, they sense our anger and frustration and deeply feel the rejection and disconnection from us.

Super Nanny, and others, including the new 3 Day Nanny, finds this to be an effective way to teach a child ‘right from wrong’; especially if once they do their time out and utter a credible “sorry” they are forgiven and allowed back in to the household. The message therefore is, do as I say, when and how I say it or you will upset me and then you will suffer emotional, if not physical, discomfort and distress until I decide you have suffered enough. Then you have to apologise in a meaningful way, and I will decide what that looks and sounds like and then I will hug you and off we go again until you don’t conform to my wishes.

It suits many to feel that consequences are ‘natural’, understood and agreed therefore there is a logic to them which somehow reduces the sadness and distress they cause. If an adult leaves their keys in their car door because they have so much on their mind and get distracted and then go to do their shopping returning later to find their car gone that would be a ‘natural’ consequence. Subsequently, they may never do that again but at the end of the day they made a mistake and if we had seen the keys in the car we would have tried to help them not suffer the consequence!

So what about if we punish and then are kind to a child, does this teach them but also keep them close to us? What do you think? Many abusive adult relationships operate on a system whereby the victim is given a consequence for not following ‘orders’ or falling below the abusers ‘standards’. The abuser is not at fault as they were clear that not doing as they were told would result in the victim losing their dinner, being smacked, having their phone taken or a tirade of humiliating and never ending verbal put downs. Once this ‘consequence’ has been delivered the abuser is then affectionate, loving and concerned, so that’s all right then.

Post punishment ‘kindnesses or affection does not make a child feel better, in fact it is very confusing. They may respond to it as after all they need to be on the right side of the person they depend on for their physical and emotional needs but it does not offer a child a long term relationship whereby they will feel able to turn for advice and support when they have made a mistake or are in trouble. Parenting is all about the long haul, building a relationship based on mutual respect and 100% acceptance.

This does not come from a Super Nanny type approach:

“When your child misbehaves or breaks one of the House Rules explain what she’s done wrong, tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable, and warn her that if she behaves in the same way again, she’ll be put on the Naughty Step”

“Don’t give a warning. Remove your child from the room and tell her in an authoritative voice that her behaviour is unacceptable and that she can only come back into the room once she has apologised.”

My parenting work is based upon building and maintaining close relationships as a family, respect is key and so is kindness. It is entirely possible to raise children who are empathetic, motivated to be helpful and considerate and who aim to do what feels right for them and others without a reward chart or naughty step in sight!! I use understanding of how the brain is shaped by early childhood experiences and relationships as the basis for encouraging parenting which uses children’s inbuilt desire to connect and work with us.

Raising children is often an emotional roller coaster and rarely easy but by learning ways to see children and their behaviour differently it is possible to have a calmer more harmonious family life and happy, healthy children who are free to play, learn and build great relationships. Visit either of my websites for more information:

For parenting post domestic abuse or any other trauma – www.parentingposttrauma.co.uk

For more general parenting needs – www.feelingsfirstparenting.com

Follow me on Twitter - @janeparenting

Jane Evans – Freelance & Associate Trainer, Parenting Specialist, Author, Blogger, Speaker and Consultant

Jane Evans has built up a wealth of parenting and early-years knowledge throughout her career as a parenting worker for a domestic violence organisation, a respite foster carer, a child-minder, a children’s practitioner in a family centre and a support worker in a child-protection team, whilst also working in and with schools and pre-schools.

She now uses this as the basis for the training she delivers on attachment in early years, on parenting and children affected by trauma ‘Tuning In To Children and Parenting Beyond Trauma’, and for her bespoke parenting course for those affected by trauma either post-domestic violence or as adoptive parents, foster or kinship carers.

Jane has also written an early-years story book to enable children to explore feelings relating to domestic violence, How are you feeling today Baby Bear?  To be published by Jessica Kingsley Publishers February 2014

   http://www.parentingposttrauma.co.uk/my-book.html                             

Guest Post: Money Saving this Summer

This is a guest post from Shaye Walsh, who blogs at Simply Shaye. 

This Summer Ditch the Bad Habits and Learn Money-Saving New Habits

Summer time should raise dreams of trips to the beach, getting away on tropical vacations or family time spent enjoying your kids at theme parks. In reality, summer time is most often about bored kids destroying the house before they run off to a friend's house to play video games in front of the computer or television. You'll spend more time frustrated than enjoying the kids, but it doesn't have to be that way this summer. There are ways to earn extra money by turning your hobbies and things you enjoy into moneymaking opportunities. It won't overwhelm you, and should be simple because these are things you could already be doing in your spare time.

Doggie Boarding

If you love dogs, this is a perfect way to make some extra money. Dog owners hate to drop their furry family members off at a kennel. Often, pet owners feel huge amounts of guilt over putting their dog into a kennel. As a dog lover, you are sure to understand that feeling. You can provide a loving environment for their pooch while they enjoy their vacation guilt free by dog boarding. Your family will enjoy spending time together caring for an animal knowing you are providing a valuable service to both the family and the dog. You'll be making some extra cash, and it won't feel like work at all.

Selling Crafts

At one time, the only way a person could make money-selling crafts was during church events, craft sales or garage sales. It required more work to sell the items than it did to make them. With the Internet, there are tons of ways to sell the things you create without travel costs and expenses. Hobbies are meant to calm a person, give them an interest that brings them joy and take up some time, so they're not bored. A hobby can be more than that now. With sites like Etsy, a hobbyist can sell their creations. Whether you like painting, making jewelry or building action figures, Etsy will allow you to showcase your products and set your own prices.

Kick the Bottled Water Habit

Water is extremely important to keep a body healthy and nourished properly. People who drink plenty of water have glowing, healthy skin. It can't be denied that water is essential, but what is not essential is the hit that bottled water makes to your savings and to the environment. Bottled water is expensive. If you were to add up the cost of all the bottled water you drink in a month, you might be surprised at the cost. Lots of people do not enjoy the taste of their tap water. If you don't like the taste of the water out of your home faucet, consider a home water filtration system. In the long run it will save you money, and you'll never run out of water like you would with bottled water. http://thewaterproject.org/bottled_water_wasteful.asp

Toss Out that Gym Membership

Most people waste their money on a gym membership they won't use very often. A low-cost alternative is buying old gym equipment or weights to be used at home. You're more likely to work out if you don't have excuses like having to drive to the gym. You'll save the cost of a monthly gym membership, which can be pretty pricey. That saved money can go towards a summer vacation with the family.

If you're creative and think outside of the box, you can have the money you need to spend time with your family this summer. Instead of yelling at them all summer to pick up after themselves, you'll be able to sit on the beach soaking up the sun while they splash in the surf.

Shaye is a single mom that has a passion for family, budgeting, healthy living, fitness, and travel. She loves finding new ways to cook healthier and stay fit, all while doing it on a budget. She has a beautiful son and one eccentric dog, but wouldn’t have it any other way.. 

You can also follow Shaye on Twitter: @Simplyshayew

Guest Post: The Fighter Still Remains

This is a guest post from The Fighter Still Remains about being the child of a single mother...

My real father left my mom when I was two and me when I was three.

A boy without a father

This set a tone for my relationship with my mother and the man she wound up marrying that would at times be beautiful and others tragic. What we have shared over the years has been my greatest strength. The perseverance of making it through that abandonment. We weren't just a single mother and the product of that, we were a family no one wanted. It does not matter how old you are or how long you are alone for- abandonment is a jagged blade that leaves wretched wounds. They don't heal unless you treat them properly.

You can't tell a child something like that is ok because a child doesn't know that they aren't ok. My mother tried by showering me with love, giving me everything I wanted and protecting me from the world. In a lot of ways this enabling treatment stunted my growth. Maybe I did blame her somewhere inside. My years of misogyny would've made more sense. Ether way, I can't tell you. I am just now, as a 27 year old father of two, beginning to deal with the feelings that he didn't want me.

I only have one memory of my father. Maybe two years old in his dank house with shag carpet and fake tile linoleum that curled around the edges. He was sitting in the living room on his stained brown couch drinking a long neck. "Dad" had just gotten me a Mr. Freeze Batman toy. It was sick, man. You filled it with water and put it in the freezer and it would form this impenetrable layer of ice around Mr. Freeze's suit. I spilled the water all over the curled, dirty linoleum floor. He beat me senseless. All I remember is cowering, hands above my head.

Soon after that he left. I've been told that he called on my third birthday and I said I didn't want to speak to him.

Just like that picture, our life became just Mom and I for a few years. I kept her going without knowing it. We lived in a dank basement apartment and Mom lived off venison a neighbor gave her. My first real Christmas was thanks to a hundred dollars her boss gave her Christmas Eve. No pot to use and no window to throw it out of. We were so broke we couldn't even pay attention.

Now, my mom remarried by the time I was five, but irreparable damage had been done. Our relationship, my soul and the way I dealt with men would be forever changed. My mother became my protector and later on my greatest enabler. To her my real father leaving our life was her fault and she spent the rest of my childhood trying to make up for that. Even after she remarried it was just her and I in an odd way. Dad (as I've come to know him) tried his best to fill that hole in my soul and replace what my real father (John) stole.. There was nothing he could have done our said, though.

I am not complaining. My mother and my Dad did the best they could to make me a whole man. Mom even took it a little far at times, not truly allowing Dad to be a father and discipline me as he should have. They tried their best, though. Being only amateurs at the whole parenting thing and the way I've turned out, I'd say they did well with the busted hand they were dealt.

My mother taught me a lot. Most everything I know. Even if an apple has a hole in it, it can still be good. She would tell me to look in the mirror everyday and say, "I love you," to myself. When times got hard the best place to be was on your knees, praying to something bigger than you. We all have some defective parts, but a person worth loving is the one who sees yours and loves you still- warts and all. Pencils have erasers because we make mistakes. Crawl before no man. Everyone needs a mental health day sometimes. These were just some of mom's lessons.

We have, little by little, let time and distance mend the parts of our relationship that were codependent. She wore a lot of hats in my childhood. Today I have respect for her. I look at my life and realize that none of it would be without her courage.  

We have no control over which way this magnificent sphere we exist on turns. Sometimes fathers leave. All we can do is try our best. My mother told me a story that at her new job as a flight attendant she had met a young man with severe disabilities. He worked in the airport picking up trash and driving the cart people put their luggage on. Her first Christmas with her new company required she worked and she was very upset about it. When she got to the airport she was surprised that the young man (Joey) came to pick her up and take her to her gate.

"What are you doing here, Joey? It's Christmas! You should be home with your family."

"Yeah, but who would pick up the luggage?" Joey beamed back with a puzzled smile.

It was through no fault of my mom or my dad that John did not want to be a part of the miracle of raising a child. She could have done what he did or turned to the bottle or more abusive men. She didn't though. Dad could have passed on the instant family (just add him). They put their needs aside and decided they were going to raise a man. They tried their best, but he had no clue what they were doing. Together, though, they made a patchwork quilt that now is becoming whole over time.

If you are a single parent, do not give up. If your child and you were abandoned, remember it is not your fault. That is not your cross to bear. Try your best every day. Focus on the small things. Make every sandwich as good as you can, fold every shirt as perfect as possible and make every hug count. When you add all the small things up they will take care of the big things themselves.

I hardly remember the mistakes my parents made when I look back on our life. I remember a dad that let me eat sherbet and watch cartoons Saturday morning while he cut the grass. Did I wish for a long time that he had made me go out and work so I could've come into adulthood with a stronger work ethic? Yeah. I wouldn't trade that now, though. And my mother, I remember chicken noodle soup, grilled cheese and a blockbuster movie when I was sick. Did this give me a feeling of entitlement that has been tough to overcome? Sure. But they raised me to be strong enough that I've overcome it.

Your kids will have issues no matter what you do. Give up the "perfect parent" idea if you haven't already, At times they will blame you for them not being able to get what they want. C'est la vie. If you teach them the fundamentals of being a good person, they too will have the ability to not live in that bitter resentment. Give them attention and show them through the way you treat life and other people that they matter. Teach them to laugh at their mistakes. Above all else love them. Even when I felt unlovable I knew somewhere deeper, my mom and dad loved me.

Give yourself a break today. No one is perfect and I know that because my parents told me!

Thank you for reading. If you've enjoyed this post, please share it using the buttons below.

Other guest posts you may enjoy:

Vintage Fee

Mummy With Issues