Things I Wish I Could Explain to S...

• You can wear your bib as a cape, but it won’t be quite so effective.

• You can either suck your thumb or my nipple; both doesn’t work so well.

• Hard to believe, but if you just give up and go to sleep for an hour or so, you will feel a lot better when you wake up.

• I’ve not disappeared off the face of the earth, just gone to the toilet. I’ll be back before you know it and you’ll feel silly for crying.

• It is entirely possible for you to grab my breast without clawing it to shreds. Please learn this quickly.

• If you just move your arm a little, you’ll be able to roll out of that position… No, move it the other way… No, not your leg…

• This toy is designed for teething; if you put it in your mouth it might make you feel a little better. The other toy is fluffy, and not really designed for anything mouth-related. Surely you can taste that?

• We share a bed. I can hear that you are awake from your chattering; I just pretend not to in the hope you will go back to sleep. Lifting your legs and banging them back down on the bed like that is just rude!

• If you’re so hungry you’re crying, the answer really is to stop crying and drink milk when it is offered. The crying won’t make you not hungry. Fact.

• I love you very much, but sometimes when I feel something warm and wet running down my arm, and I don’t know whether it’s pee or dribble, it’s hard not to question your motives.

• I know you love to stand and get a good old look around, but I’d really love if you could at least attempt the whole sitting/crawling thing first. You’ll love it once you get the hang of it and can sit yourself up without having to wait for me to figure out why you’re yelling every time!

• If you just cling to me a tiny bit, instead of going all floppy, our walk down the stairs in the morning will feel less precarious.

• I know you don’t enjoy the act of putting your coat on, but once it’s on, you’ll enjoy chewing on it, and you’ll enjoy being in the sling leaving a trail of slobber on my chest even more.

• It would be helpful if you could aim your sick at the muslin I am holding in front of your face, instead of turning your head and depositing it on me/the floor/my leg/the sofa.

• It is really not funny to wait until the minute I put a load of nappies in the washing machine before doing a great big poo. Nobody wants that smell hanging around the house until the next load goes in.

• You have a lot of toys designed specifically for babies of your age. There are fluffy things, chewy things, brightly coloured things, ones that squeak or make other annoying noises. There are blankets and play mats on the floor to keep you comfortable while you play… I can’t help but feel you’re a tiny bit ungrateful when all you want to do is sit on my lap and play with the tag on my cardigan.

• Your toes are cold because you kicked your socks off. I am more than happy to put them back on for you, but if you pull them straight back off again, your toes will stay cold.

• I understand that you want me to play with you, and you don’t like for me to leave you alone on your play mat, but if I don’t eat soon we run the risk of my collapsing on top of you.

• This is the most important one: I love you more than you will ever comprehend, more than chocolate and ice cream and duvets all put together. 

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