Shock Confession of a Stay At Home Mum

Readers, I have a terrible, shocking confession to make.

I have all but given up on making meals for S, and a lot of her meals come from packets.

There, I've said it. I can hear the gasping from here.

Every time I go to the till in Boots with my basket full of Plum Baby (other brands are available, but S seems to prefer Plum meals mostly) I feel like the World's Worst Mum, like everyone is looking in my basket and going, "huh, lazy cow can't even be bothered to make her child some dinner!" I tend to only buy a few at a time so that I don't look like S has them for every meal, and will always opt for the self-service checkouts at Tesco so that nobody sees what I'm buying. For me, it feels more shameful than buying a copy of the Daily Mail.

Here are my reasons for going down the packet food option:

• Before S even started solids, I was chatting to a friend who said she'd been reading an Annabel Karmel book about weaning, and looking at all these recipes - but she was going back to work, and would quite like the time she spent at home to be spent with her son, not in the kitchen boiling carrots. I'm not back at work... but I am a single mother with a distinct shortage of people volunteering to clean my house for me. And I'm trying to study two OU modules concurrently. So my time is either spent playing with S, cleaning up after S, or doing OU work (or doing this, which almost counts as OU work, since it's clear avoidance of said work)
• I am picky about which packets I buy. I don't touch Cow & Gate, and very rarely have Hipp. I tend to stick to Plum, Ella's Kitchen and Boots Organic - because the list of ingredients is very short, and I can pronounce everything on it. I guarantee you the ingredients in those pouches are of a higher quality than anything I make myself. Can you even buy organic kidney beans in Tesco? I doubt it.
• S is a fan of a particular "4 bean stew" pouch. Seeing that the list of ingredients on the back was fairly straightforward, I purchased said ingredients and made some myself. Genius. Or so I thought. S took one look at the bowl of steaming mush and turned her nose up: "you can't seriously think I'm going to eat that can you?!" The girl does not like my cooking. And I, for one, cannot blame her. She does, on the other hand, love a particular stage 2 pouch of minted peas and lamb, and is guaranteed to eat the whole pouch every time it's served up. I know there will be no waste, unlike with the ill-advised 4-bean stew experiment.
• When she can't tolerate any lumps - a state she reverts back to whenever she is poorly - it's just easier (and there's less risk of undetected-lump-induced-gagging) than farting about with a hand blender. As she becomes more able to chew what I feed her, I'm giving her more varied bits - steamed carrot sticks, biscuits, bread sticks, bits of cheese etc - to play with and munch on between spoonfulls of the packet food.

Eventually I'm sure S will have proper food and put it in her mouth herself and chew it and everything. In the meantime, I'm choosing the easy option. So shoot me.

Now, if you'll excuse me I'm off to make a guilty trip to Tesco to buy some pouches of minted peas & lamb for tomorrow's dinner.

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Wordless Wednesday: Fun with Food!

Our Week: 2 - 8 December

Sunday 2 Dec
Morning spent baking brownies, with a visit from mother. Hot date in the afternoon. evening spent... watching TV. Oh yeah, I know how to party. S barely slept through the evening, but did sleep for 5 solid hours in the night so can't complain.

Monday 3 Dec
Off to the Childrens' Centre in the morning for "8 Month Contact." Afternoon spent playing with S whilst moving furniture and bringing living room junk back downstairs now the floor is down. S had 3 long naps, which was odd but she's been sleeping badly lately.

Tuesday 4 Dec
Accidentally stayed in all day. Housework in the morning, and a visit from the nursery nurse about S and her eating/sleeping/development. World's messiest lunch: the kind where both mine and S's outfits needed to be changed afterwards. We were going to baby group at a local church in the afternoon, and looking forward to it since there was a Christmas tree festival to visit. But S decided to have a long afternoon nap, and we missed it. Had intended to go to the shops afterwards, but S did not wake in the world's best mood, and we'd already been through 2 pairs of socks today so abandoned all plans.

Wednesday 5 Dec
Up and out for a long walk in the morning, then an afternoon visit from a very dear friend I'd not seen forever and a day, and her gorgeous son. Evening and overnight spent trying not to hear the neighbours partying, and panicking about my maternity leave ending.

Thursday 6 Dec
Morning spent having a go at housework and waiting for a Tesco order. Afternoon spent at the local panto, Sleeping Beauty. We went with D, who got us tickets through Home Start which was awesome. S slept through the first part, but loved the lights and colours in the second half. Got home late (5pm) and neighbours had already begun their evening festivities so S slept in the living room in her bouncy chair. Again. No idea what we will do when she outgrows the thing, and the neighbours are still inconsiderate drunken idiots.

Friday 7 Dec
Off out to Buggyfun in the freezing cold; really didn't fancy it, but as usual once we got there it was great. then back home to feed S lunch and get my hair cut by a friend. Sneaky nap on the sofa followed by random housework tasks and a vague attempt at OU work. Must try harder with the OU stuff.

Saturday 8 Dec
Another morning pretending to do housework. I did vacuum though so that was good. Made brownies and tarted myself up for my hot date with the Handsome Young Man.Went out for hot date; bumped into my mother on the way home, whilst I was still with HYM. Awkward.

What We Did This Week

Monday 05 Nov

Up at 7, breakfast in our shiny new high chair, which was messy and fun. Then into town to meet a friend for coffee with her little girl. S sat in her pushchair shouting in excitement, playing peepo with my friend’s 3 year old, which was nice. Then home for a monumentally messy lunch, a short nap, and a short trip back to town to pick up the things I’d forgotten earlier. Bed time routine disrupted by fireworks for the third night running.

Tuesday 06 Nov

Wander around town in the morning with S having a little giggle and chat to herself. Bumped into my favourite aunt, which is always a bonus as she is awesome. Super, ultra messy lunch followed by a fun afternoon for S, watching me move furniture and books, then hoover and scrub the floor, then move more furniture. Bed time was more successful, possibly down to the fact she ate shedloads for tea. We may be onto a winner here!

Wednesday 07 Nov

Weekly visit from D in the morning; S played with her on her newly positioned play mats and shouted at the TV. Unsuccessful lunch attempt followed by visit from Auntie Smooch (Z) and a trip into town, wandering about the shops. Am so excited for the Christmas lights to go up; S seems to really enjoy looking at lights in shop windows. And on the living room ceiling, oddly. She had three naps, which was not ideal, but she still slept fairly well in the evening so can’t complain.

Thursday 08 Nov

Picked up copies of photos taken last week for local paper’s baby competition. S looks amazing, obviously. Came home to see something on Facebook that reminded me of the nasty situation with S’s father, kind of ruined my mood for the day, which S picked up on. Did manage to paint a wall though. S had an unsettled evening, but since I was feeling decidedly headachey and ropey, I just went to bed early and she settled.

Friday 09 Nov

Lazy morning spent lazing about the flat. Decided that since S was still in her PJs at lunch time we may as well make as much mess as possible, which was fun. A man came round about the water meter, and had fun trying to find the right tap outside. Brief trip into town to buy food (mainly to get out of the house), then home for tea and early to bed for a very sleepy baby… who slept of her sleepiness and was wide awake in her bouncy chair by 8pm. No point in leaving her upstairs, since people around here still have a lot of fireworks to get through, and the neighbours appear to be trying to chisel their way through the floor. Or the wall. Or perhaps just through my temper. Bang bang bang effing bang.

Saturday 10 Nov

Morning spent at a charity soup morning with S being passed around extended family and friends, wowing them with her smiles and giggles. Felt pretty smug! Feeling replaced by nausea when I came home to find that the baby S’s father conceived with his babysitter while I was pregnant has been born – seemingly exactly 7 months younger than S. How does one deal with such a situation? Answers on a postcard please.

Two Visitors!

We had two visitors today; a lady from Home Start came to review our situation with D, and a nursery nurse came to chat about S’s sleeping and eating.

B is the Home Start co-ordinator for the area, and the person who “matched” D to us a couple of months ago. She came back to do a review, which they do periodically to check everything is ok, the volunteer is being useful/helpful and still needed, and that everything is ok. They do a lot of paperwork. S was busy playing with her toys when B got here, but soon decided she’d rather be part of the conversation so came and sat on my lap playing with a book while we chatted. B wanted to know how things were going with D, so I told her the truth: I look forward to her visits but worry that she must feel she’s wasting her morning, since all she does is drink coffee and play with S while I make a couple of phone calls and maybe do the washing up. B said no, that’s what a lot of her volunteers do and they come round to be company and reliable as much as to help with practical things. She had a good old chat with S, and held her while I filled out a questionnaire. It was one of those ones where there’s a statement and you ring a number from 1 to 5 for how positive you feel about it. I did one before D started coming, and despite the fact S has given up sleeping, the house is a mess and my bad hair day has lasted 2 months, my scores have improved. It reminded me of the depression questionnaire my GP makes me do every now and then: they ask you a bunch of questions, tot up your score and tell you how you’re doing at life. I suppose they have to do something to justify their work though, and show they’re being effective. She marked down on her paperwork that the “goals” we set when she first came (I don’t remember them, but hey ho) are “partially achieved” so that there is a reason for D to keep coming, which was nice because I enjoy her visits and think it’s good for S to have someone constant and reliable in her life. D turns up every Wednesday at 10:30, she’s always in the same chipper mood, she always smiles and plays with S, and gives me good advice for my myriad problems. Of course, we have other visitors and S sees other people, but I think D is the only one who has a set day and time that we stick to every week.

B saw my nice pile of fluffy clean nappies (I’d just done a load of washing and stacked them neatly in the corner) and commented that I’m her ideal mother. Then she asked if I was breastfeeding still, and we had a conversation about how more people should do it because it’s best for baby (in most cases) and easiest. She told me she complained to the Advertising Standards Agency about a Cow & Gate advert because she felt it was promoting the use of formula over breast milk. The ad is amazing, but she has a good point. It was refreshing to meet someone who seems to have the same views as me. B is a single mother herself, so she understands why it’s so important for us to have D visit once a week, even if she’s only there as someone to chat to. She doesn’t need to be told about how difficult it is to keep up with housework and everything else when you’re the only person there to look after a baby, and you’re hell bent on doing not just a good job but the best job possible. She got on really well with S and told me she thinks I’m a great mother – which is always good to hear! My feedback will be passed on to D as well, which is nice because when asked how things were going I looked at her and said “the woman is a legend, I really look forward to Wednesday mornings!”

Once B had gone, I just had time to put together a lamb casserole and stick it in the oven (from scratch, with no packet mix, get me!) when C, the nursery nurse, came to visit. She was sent to see us after I called the health visitor begging for some help with the sleep situation, and came last week to discuss weaning and sleep plans. This week she came back to see how we were getting on. The truth is that S is still not sleeping fantastically, but her naps have been improving, and it’s just the hours between 6 and 10pm that are a problem now. Also I think my attitude to the situation has improved as well, in that I’m less bothered by it and more inclined to just take the time to get her settled to sleep even if it takes two hours. Hopefully the fact she’s eating lots more will help her to sleep more too. S sat in her bouncy chair and had a nonsense conversation with C, which they both enjoyed. She also showed off her mad skillz at bouncing the chair with one leg whilst casually slouching in it like a teenager. I have absolutely no clue what I will do with her when she finally gets too big for that chair! We discussed the local children’s centre, and she left a leaflet with me, suggesting I go to their baby group and also that I could go to the breastfeeding group to be support for new mums. At first I laughed at the idea I could offer advice to anyone, since I still spend a lot of my time feeling completely out of my depth. But even I can see that I’ve come a really long way and since I feel so strongly about breastfeeding I’d like to be able to share that. I might even take S to the baby group to make some friends!

I chatted to C about being a single mother, and how in the evenings once S is asleep I will creep downstairs for my tea. I often sit on the sofa, shovelling food into my mouth as quickly as I can because if S wakes while I’m eating I can’t afford to just throw food away, but I also can’t leave her to cry, and it’s times like that I really don’t enjoy the fact I’m doing this on my own. She seemed to understand what I was talking about, but also pointed out that as it’s just the two of us, we can do as we please, go where we want, eat when we want, and don’t have to follow anyone else’s schedule.

So there we are: one day, two visitors, one inflated ego. Having had two professional people who know what they’re doing tell me they think I’m doing a good job, and that S is doing really well, has made me feel a lot better. On the nights where S is not at all interested in sleeping, and I’m knackered and desperate for the loo but she cries every time I leave the room, I tend to have an attack of “omg, I’m rubbish at this, he was right, I can’t do it on my own, S is going to grow up damaged because of meeeeeeee…” it’s nice to have someone who knows what they’re talking about, and sees this sort of situation all the time, tell me I’m doing ok.

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Another Step Forward

When we saw the health visitor today, she asked if I was still breastfeeding (to which the answer was yes), and later asked if we’d started on solids. I said no, that I am waiting until S is 6 months old before starting any solids. Her response was, “well that’s fine, she doesn’t look like she’s needing the extra food yet any way!”  

This made me happy for a couple of reasons. Firstly, it’s nice to have her go along with what I’m doing without telling me what she thinks I should be doing. But most importantly for me, it’s another nail in the coffin of Things The Ex Told Me Would Happen. 

We had several conversations about breastfeeding and weaning, and the general consensus (his idea) was that S would be breastfed “to start with,” but that I wouldn’t be able to hack it for more than a few months, and that she would be on solids by 2 months because my milk on its own just wouldn’t be enough for her. 

It almost makes me want to call him up, just to say, Ha, you were wrong, see how healthy and happy and podgy she is, and all of that came from me! One of his favourite things to say to me while I was pregnant was that I would never be able to breastfeed, I’d never cope with the pain, and Oh, your nipples crack and bleed, and it’s so horrible, you’ll give up, the baby will end up on formula. When I asked my mother whether I was breastfed and she replied that yes, she’d breastfed me and my siblings “until at least a year old,” his response was “ew, a year? That’s disgusting.” I remember being disappointed, thinking, Oh, I was looking forward to having that special bond with my child for as long as possible, and now you’re telling me it’ll be two months max, and then it’ll be jars of baby food and bottles of formula all the way.

When S was born, and “they” thought I was at high risk for PND, people kept mentioning to me that I could always go back onto my medication, if I wanted to. When I was pregnant they told me that after that first 12 weeks, it’s fine to be on the meds, the baby will only have a little withdrawal when it is born, and if you’re breastfeeding it won’t even get that because it’ll still be getting the drug in your milk. This is a drug that alters the way the brain works in the most basic of ways, and it’s fine to give to a brain that’s not even developed yet? I was having none of it, and stuck to my guns throughout what was, in hindsight, a very stressful and somewhat traumatic pregnancy. When the suggestion of taking the pills came up again after S was born, I still said no. I would manage perfectly well without medication, thank you very much.

So any way, my point is this: S’s father left us when she was 3 weeks old. I was, and still am, very angry about that. But when I look at the situation, if he’d stayed, things would look very different right now. For one, I think the health visitor would be keeping a much closer eye on us. 

But more importantly, I can easily imagine a situation where S would have been started on solids long before she was ready, I would have stopped breastfeeding her and moved her onto formula because I felt that was what was expected, and I would then have capitulated and gone back onto the medication because of the stress levels I was facing. 

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with any of those things, if that’s what you choose to do. But none of it was ever going to be what I would choose, if left to my own devices. And so, I suppose I should really be thanking S’s father for buggering off when he did.