The Home Start Snowflake Campaign

It's no secret I'm a massive fan of Home Start. This time last year, S and I had a fantastic Home Start volunteer who was such an amazing source of support and strength for me - and S loved her too!

Home Start have launched their Snowflake Appeal this month, in order to raise money to help more children across the UK. The campaign runs from now until January, with the tag line "because the children we support are as unique and fragile as snowflakes."

Home Start has been running for 40 years, and in that time they have helped over a million children. My daughter was one of those children. 

When I was a frightened new mum with a tiny baby and no confidence, my health visitor referred me to Home Start and we were assigned our volunteer, D. D didn't pay my bills or do my cleaning or tell me how to be a parent. She just turned up. Every Wednesday at 10am, she arrived with milk for coffee (and usually biscuits). We would sit on the sofa and talk about how my week had been. She would hold S (and entertain her for me) while I made important phone calls or caught up on bill paying. S adored her and at that point D was one of the few people she would happily play with. They became firm friends and S would often fall asleep on D's shoulder after hours 

We only saw D for a couple of hours a week, but trust me when I tell you she had a massive positive impact on our lives. Often she was the only person I saw in a week with whom I could talk frankly and honestly about my situation. She reassured me that I was doing well with S and that everything was fine; and that was really all I needed.

Although this is all D did with us, Home Start volunteers offer a lot more. They come to appointments with you and entertain your children while you do the actual "appointment" part. They can help you access services you probably don't even know exist. They come up with ideas and explanations, they can help you fill in forms or make applications. They can help you to set up a routine in your household and to organise your finances. All the little things that can help to get a family home back on track. 

This is from their website:

Four year-old Lizzie was malnourished, sad and missing out on her childhood. She had no winter clothes and wasn’t attending school regularly. Her mum was suffering from agoraphobia and post natal depression after giving birth to Lizzie’s sister and was afraid to leave the house. Walks to school and shopping became impossible. Home-Start offered Lizzie’s mum support for as long as she needed it and she is now on her way to recovery. Their volunteer organised food parcels and helps mum on shopping trips and school runs, with time for fun at the playground on the way home!

Lizzie didn't need Social Services to swoop in and take her into care; her mother didn't need to be sectioned. They all just needed someone to come in and help out a little and get them back on track.

I think Home Start help to bridge the gap between massive crises and perfect homes. A lot of families don't fall into the "omg world is ending, call Social Services" category, they just need a little help with a few things and hey presto the children are in a much more stable, happy home. This contribution to society is largely overlooked and really shouldn't be. If anything can be done to avoid children living in chaos, to make them happier and less vulnerable, shouldn't we do it?

This year, our Christmas cards are coming from Home Start, and so is our 2014 calendar.

If you buy charity Christmas cards, please do consider buying them from Home Start.
Alternatively, you can donate £4 by texting SNOW04 to 70070.

Home Start have helped to give S a much better start in life and there are many more families out there who could do with their support.

Check out this post on Premmeditations about Home Start.
If you've written a post about Home Start please feel free to leave a link in the comments here!

365 Days Later...

A year ago today...

I'd been doing the Freedom Program, but was still in touch with S's father from time to time. I got a name and number for him, of a lady who ran counselling sessions for perpetrators of domestic abuse. I told him if he would begin counselling sessions we could talk about setting up regular contact. This was against the advice of my health visitor, the people at the Freedom Program, and all of the friends who knew the details of what had been going on.

He dragged his heels for three weeks, saying things like "we'll see" and "you make out like I hit you or something" whenever I asked if he'd called the lady about counselling yet.

Eventually, I decided three weeks was plenty long enough for him to make a decision. I emailed him to see if he was at work, put S in the sling, and walked down there (he works 3 blocks along the same road we live on). He came to the door, but positioned himself half in and half out of it, with one arm inside the door where I couldn't see it. I later found out that was because he was recording our conversation. Which explains why he said the things he said.

I told him, if you're not going to go to the counselling then please do not contact us any more.

He said "but you always contact me first." I responded, "I won't be contacting you in future because you don't seem interested in S."

He said "we both know for a fact that S is not in danger with me, she is perfectly safe with me." I said "that's not my opinion of the situation."

He said "I'll see you in court." I said "ok great, I'll bring Social Services with me."

As I walked away, he shouted up the road at me, "You're not financially stable, and you're not emotionally stable enough to raise my child!"

I knew he was wrong; I knew I was a good mother and that S was doing well. But it still shook me up, and I still called my health visitor in tears. I'm not a big one for public arguments, and my stock response when shouted at by anyone is tears.  My health visitor (remember how she's a legend?) referred me to Home Start.

Then I came home, and thought "fuck you. I am a good mother, and I'm perfectly capable of looking after my child without your input, thank you very much."

He went home, and played the recording to anyone that would sit still long enough. They all agreed that it clearly showed I was crazy, vindictive, nasty, mental, using his child as a weapon, and whatever else - even though he was the one recorded screaming at a mother and her child in the street.

That day, the day S was 4 months old, was the last time her father set eyes on her.

I don't think she's missed him.

The Trussell Trust

As previous visitors to the blog may know, I had a bit of trouble when claiming Income Support a while back.

During the time I was waiting for my claim to go through, the co-ordinator of my local Home Start, Becky, just happened to call to chat about something else. She asked how we were getting on, and I mentioned the situation I was in regarding money. I commented I thought it was ridiculous that people with a child to feed were expected to wait so long before receiving any money.

Becky asked me if I'd like her to get the Trussell Trust to bring me some food, and I said no, thanks; that's for people who really need it. I had been sent some Healthy Start vouchers, and so could buy some fresh fruit and veggies; I was sure we'd be fine. Becky pointed out though, that you can't really live just on fruit and vegetables, and need basic staples to go with them. So that evening a nice man brought me some food. And not just food; there were nappies, wipes, and even some chocolate! There was also a printed sheet with suggested meal options to help make sure the food in the box was used to its best potential. Trussell Trust food boxes are meant to last 3 days, but mine lasted me about a week.

The Trussell Trust released their annual figures this week; some of you may have noticed I was briefly featured on BBC Breakfast News about it. In the last 12 months, the number of families helped by the Trussell Trust has almost trebled: 346,992 is the final figure for the number of families who received at least 3 day's supply of food from them. This is an increase of 170% on last year.

You know how I love my charts, so here's a nice colourful one to illustrate the point:

Chris Mould is the Executive Chairman of the Trussell Trust:

The sheer volume of people who are turning to foodbanks because they can't afford food is  a wake-up call to the nation that we cannot ignore the hunger on our doorstep. Politicians across the political spectrum urgently need to recognise the real extent of UK food poverty and create fresh policies that better address its underlying causes. This is more important than ever as the impact of the biggest reforms to the welfare state since it began start to take effect. Since April 1st we have already seen increasing numbers of people in crisis being sent to foodbanks with nowhere else to go.

Lasy year the Trussell Trust estimated that our foodbanks would help 250,000 people in 2012-13; we've helped 100,000 more than that. 2012-13 was much tougher for people than many anticipated. Incomes are being squeezed to breaking point. We're seeing people from all kinds of backgrounds turning to foodbanks: working people coming in on their lunch breaks, mums who are going hungry to feed their children, people whose benefits have been delayed and people who are struggling to find enough work. It's shocking that people are going hungry in 21st century Britain. 

He's right; it is shocking. I expect a few people were shocked to see that I'd had to use a foodbank. When the service was first offered to me my initial response was "oh no, that's for people who really need it; I'm not one of those people." but it turned out, actually I was one of those people. In this day and age we all have the potential to be one of those people. And realistically, if we're lucky enough to not be one of those people, perhaps we should be one of the people donating to the foodbanks in order to keep them going. You never know when you might need their help.

Here are some fun facts about the Trussell Trust:

• They are Christian organisation that provides three days' non-perishable food to people in need.
• Over 90% of the food given out is donated by the public.
• The Trussell Trust currently have 345 foodbanks across the UK. They are opening 3 new foodbanks each week, and estimate there would need to be 750-1000 in order to help people in crisis across the UK. Don't you think that's a bit disgusting, in Britain, in this day and age?
• The Trussell Trust does not receive any government funding.

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Our Week: 2 - 8 December

Sunday 2 Dec
Morning spent baking brownies, with a visit from mother. Hot date in the afternoon. evening spent... watching TV. Oh yeah, I know how to party. S barely slept through the evening, but did sleep for 5 solid hours in the night so can't complain.

Monday 3 Dec
Off to the Childrens' Centre in the morning for "8 Month Contact." Afternoon spent playing with S whilst moving furniture and bringing living room junk back downstairs now the floor is down. S had 3 long naps, which was odd but she's been sleeping badly lately.

Tuesday 4 Dec
Accidentally stayed in all day. Housework in the morning, and a visit from the nursery nurse about S and her eating/sleeping/development. World's messiest lunch: the kind where both mine and S's outfits needed to be changed afterwards. We were going to baby group at a local church in the afternoon, and looking forward to it since there was a Christmas tree festival to visit. But S decided to have a long afternoon nap, and we missed it. Had intended to go to the shops afterwards, but S did not wake in the world's best mood, and we'd already been through 2 pairs of socks today so abandoned all plans.

Wednesday 5 Dec
Up and out for a long walk in the morning, then an afternoon visit from a very dear friend I'd not seen forever and a day, and her gorgeous son. Evening and overnight spent trying not to hear the neighbours partying, and panicking about my maternity leave ending.

Thursday 6 Dec
Morning spent having a go at housework and waiting for a Tesco order. Afternoon spent at the local panto, Sleeping Beauty. We went with D, who got us tickets through Home Start which was awesome. S slept through the first part, but loved the lights and colours in the second half. Got home late (5pm) and neighbours had already begun their evening festivities so S slept in the living room in her bouncy chair. Again. No idea what we will do when she outgrows the thing, and the neighbours are still inconsiderate drunken idiots.

Friday 7 Dec
Off out to Buggyfun in the freezing cold; really didn't fancy it, but as usual once we got there it was great. then back home to feed S lunch and get my hair cut by a friend. Sneaky nap on the sofa followed by random housework tasks and a vague attempt at OU work. Must try harder with the OU stuff.

Saturday 8 Dec
Another morning pretending to do housework. I did vacuum though so that was good. Made brownies and tarted myself up for my hot date with the Handsome Young Man.Went out for hot date; bumped into my mother on the way home, whilst I was still with HYM. Awkward.

What We Did This Week

Monday 05 Nov

Up at 7, breakfast in our shiny new high chair, which was messy and fun. Then into town to meet a friend for coffee with her little girl. S sat in her pushchair shouting in excitement, playing peepo with my friend’s 3 year old, which was nice. Then home for a monumentally messy lunch, a short nap, and a short trip back to town to pick up the things I’d forgotten earlier. Bed time routine disrupted by fireworks for the third night running.

Tuesday 06 Nov

Wander around town in the morning with S having a little giggle and chat to herself. Bumped into my favourite aunt, which is always a bonus as she is awesome. Super, ultra messy lunch followed by a fun afternoon for S, watching me move furniture and books, then hoover and scrub the floor, then move more furniture. Bed time was more successful, possibly down to the fact she ate shedloads for tea. We may be onto a winner here!

Wednesday 07 Nov

Weekly visit from D in the morning; S played with her on her newly positioned play mats and shouted at the TV. Unsuccessful lunch attempt followed by visit from Auntie Smooch (Z) and a trip into town, wandering about the shops. Am so excited for the Christmas lights to go up; S seems to really enjoy looking at lights in shop windows. And on the living room ceiling, oddly. She had three naps, which was not ideal, but she still slept fairly well in the evening so can’t complain.

Thursday 08 Nov

Picked up copies of photos taken last week for local paper’s baby competition. S looks amazing, obviously. Came home to see something on Facebook that reminded me of the nasty situation with S’s father, kind of ruined my mood for the day, which S picked up on. Did manage to paint a wall though. S had an unsettled evening, but since I was feeling decidedly headachey and ropey, I just went to bed early and she settled.

Friday 09 Nov

Lazy morning spent lazing about the flat. Decided that since S was still in her PJs at lunch time we may as well make as much mess as possible, which was fun. A man came round about the water meter, and had fun trying to find the right tap outside. Brief trip into town to buy food (mainly to get out of the house), then home for tea and early to bed for a very sleepy baby… who slept of her sleepiness and was wide awake in her bouncy chair by 8pm. No point in leaving her upstairs, since people around here still have a lot of fireworks to get through, and the neighbours appear to be trying to chisel their way through the floor. Or the wall. Or perhaps just through my temper. Bang bang bang effing bang.

Saturday 10 Nov

Morning spent at a charity soup morning with S being passed around extended family and friends, wowing them with her smiles and giggles. Felt pretty smug! Feeling replaced by nausea when I came home to find that the baby S’s father conceived with his babysitter while I was pregnant has been born – seemingly exactly 7 months younger than S. How does one deal with such a situation? Answers on a postcard please.

Seven Months On

S is seven months old tomorrow. Things have changed a lot since Easter Sunday, when I woke up at 5am thinking I’d wet myself!

Seven months has gone so quickly, and I feel like I missed the first couple of months because I was so busy panicking, so busy struggling to just keep my head above water that I didn’t enjoy having a beautiful, tiny little baby.

S at 2 weeks (notice massive babygro)

When she first came home from the hospital, S was so small even the “tiny baby” clothes swamped her. While we were in hospital she wasn’t even dressed a lot of the time; she was either wrapped in a blanket, or snuggled under my t shirt. When we came home a friend posted us a bag of baby clothes her daughter had grown out of; they were lovely but massive, I couldn’t imagine S ever growing into them and assumed my friend’s daughter must be a lot older than S. She was three months old before any of the 0-3 months clothes fit her, but by the time she was 4 months old, she was starting to grow out of them! Now she’s growing so quickly I never know which size clothes to buy!

Until I had S, the fact a baby is born completely unaware of the things we all take for granted had never occurred to me. It’s been so lovely to watch her learn she has hands and feet, and that she can use her feet to kick things, her hands to grab. She has gone from a tiny, silent little bundle whose only noise was the occasional cry if she got hungry, to a burbling, grabbing, punching little monkey who has the best grin I have ever seen. She wakes me up by chattering to herself in the mornings and I go to sleep listening to her soft snoring next to me. The last couple of days, she’s been trying to stand as much as she can, which is worrying!

I’ve not had a full, uninterrupted night’s sleep since the middle of my pregnancy – and I don’t care! Don’t get me wrong; I love my sleep, and am exhausted in a way you would not believe, but over time I think I’ve just gotten used to it. Someone said to me early on that I should cherish those night feeds because they will stop all too soon. That person was so right. There is no feeling quite like being woken by S poking me in the ribs because she is hungry. On the nights where she sleeps a little longer between feeds I often wake up before her, wondering what’s going on and why she’s not hungry. I know that eventually she will stop feeding at night, and stop sleeping next to me too. That will be a sad day.

According to a Cow & Gate magazine that came through my door the other day, in their first six months a baby’s weight will double. The last time S was weighed, her weight had more than trebled since she was born. She’s currently on the 50^th centile line, which makes me stupidly proud, even though it’s just some stupid statistic. When she first reached her due date (she was 5 weeks early) her weight put her on the second centile line.

Yesterday when D (my Home Start lady) was here we were talking about the neighbours and she asked if I knew the people downstairs. I replied no, they’d moved in when S was still very small, and I was not particularly sociable at that time so didn’t really speak to them. D commented that often when we’re talking and I mention things like this, it’s as if I’m talking about someone else. She told me she finds it hard to reconcile this image of a depressed person sitting alone in the house and not speaking to anyone, with the confident single mother she sees every week. I was a bit gobsmacked to be honest. I spend a lot of my time with barely a clue as to what I’m doing, and hoping I’m not making huge mistakes on a daily basis. The fact I come across as confident was a completely alien concept to me; I’ve never thought of myself as a confident person. But then, after she left, I thought about it a little more. Although I don’t have all the answers, and I do make a lot of mistakes, I am confident when it comes to being S’s mother. I know when she is tired, when she is hungry, when she is bored. I have very definite ideas about how I want to raise her, what values I want her to grow up with, what I do and do not want to do. So yes, perhaps I am confident.

I was watching a phone-in show on TV earlier this week, where they were talking about cutting Child Benefit for families with more than two children. They commented that it tends to either be the very rich or the very poor that have a lot of children and a journalist on the panel made a very interesting point. She said that quite often young women coming from an underprivileged background have always felt worthless, as if they don’t have a place in society, and when they have a baby they finally have a purpose; they have produced a child and they feel worthwhile. Although I wouldn’t say I’d really grown up in a terribly poor family, I have always had a bit of an issue when it comes to self esteem and feeling like I was worth a great deal or good at anything. Now that I have S, and am over the initial total and utter shock of becoming a mother, I find that I completely understand what that journalist meant: for the first time in my life, I have a purpose and my life has a meaning beyond “if I don’t go to work today the other people in my team might get a bit swamped.” And yes, when I stop and think about it, I do think I’m quite good at being a mother. As much as you can be, when your child is only 7 months old, that is. When I was pregnant I would worry about how I could possibly fill the days of my maternity leave once the baby came. Now she is here, and I often look up at 5pm and wonder where the hours have gone.

 

The photo on the right shows one of S's first babygros (she is wearing it in the photo above: see how big it is on her!), against the one she wore to bed this evening. I remember being given that small one and thinking, gosh it's so big it'll be ages before she grows into it. She was completely lost in it. Now I look at it and wonder how she ever fit into it!

My tiny little premature baby in her teeny-tiny too-big babygros has become a big bruiser of a bouncing baby, laughing, burbling and grabbing at everything in sight. I know that all too soon I will look up and she will have become a toddler, a schoolgirl, a grumpy teenager, an adult. Seven months has passed in a flash and I am so glad I’ve taken a million and one photos to look back on and remind me of every single moment.


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Two Visitors!

We had two visitors today; a lady from Home Start came to review our situation with D, and a nursery nurse came to chat about S’s sleeping and eating.

B is the Home Start co-ordinator for the area, and the person who “matched” D to us a couple of months ago. She came back to do a review, which they do periodically to check everything is ok, the volunteer is being useful/helpful and still needed, and that everything is ok. They do a lot of paperwork. S was busy playing with her toys when B got here, but soon decided she’d rather be part of the conversation so came and sat on my lap playing with a book while we chatted. B wanted to know how things were going with D, so I told her the truth: I look forward to her visits but worry that she must feel she’s wasting her morning, since all she does is drink coffee and play with S while I make a couple of phone calls and maybe do the washing up. B said no, that’s what a lot of her volunteers do and they come round to be company and reliable as much as to help with practical things. She had a good old chat with S, and held her while I filled out a questionnaire. It was one of those ones where there’s a statement and you ring a number from 1 to 5 for how positive you feel about it. I did one before D started coming, and despite the fact S has given up sleeping, the house is a mess and my bad hair day has lasted 2 months, my scores have improved. It reminded me of the depression questionnaire my GP makes me do every now and then: they ask you a bunch of questions, tot up your score and tell you how you’re doing at life. I suppose they have to do something to justify their work though, and show they’re being effective. She marked down on her paperwork that the “goals” we set when she first came (I don’t remember them, but hey ho) are “partially achieved” so that there is a reason for D to keep coming, which was nice because I enjoy her visits and think it’s good for S to have someone constant and reliable in her life. D turns up every Wednesday at 10:30, she’s always in the same chipper mood, she always smiles and plays with S, and gives me good advice for my myriad problems. Of course, we have other visitors and S sees other people, but I think D is the only one who has a set day and time that we stick to every week.

B saw my nice pile of fluffy clean nappies (I’d just done a load of washing and stacked them neatly in the corner) and commented that I’m her ideal mother. Then she asked if I was breastfeeding still, and we had a conversation about how more people should do it because it’s best for baby (in most cases) and easiest. She told me she complained to the Advertising Standards Agency about a Cow & Gate advert because she felt it was promoting the use of formula over breast milk. The ad is amazing, but she has a good point. It was refreshing to meet someone who seems to have the same views as me. B is a single mother herself, so she understands why it’s so important for us to have D visit once a week, even if she’s only there as someone to chat to. She doesn’t need to be told about how difficult it is to keep up with housework and everything else when you’re the only person there to look after a baby, and you’re hell bent on doing not just a good job but the best job possible. She got on really well with S and told me she thinks I’m a great mother – which is always good to hear! My feedback will be passed on to D as well, which is nice because when asked how things were going I looked at her and said “the woman is a legend, I really look forward to Wednesday mornings!”

Once B had gone, I just had time to put together a lamb casserole and stick it in the oven (from scratch, with no packet mix, get me!) when C, the nursery nurse, came to visit. She was sent to see us after I called the health visitor begging for some help with the sleep situation, and came last week to discuss weaning and sleep plans. This week she came back to see how we were getting on. The truth is that S is still not sleeping fantastically, but her naps have been improving, and it’s just the hours between 6 and 10pm that are a problem now. Also I think my attitude to the situation has improved as well, in that I’m less bothered by it and more inclined to just take the time to get her settled to sleep even if it takes two hours. Hopefully the fact she’s eating lots more will help her to sleep more too. S sat in her bouncy chair and had a nonsense conversation with C, which they both enjoyed. She also showed off her mad skillz at bouncing the chair with one leg whilst casually slouching in it like a teenager. I have absolutely no clue what I will do with her when she finally gets too big for that chair! We discussed the local children’s centre, and she left a leaflet with me, suggesting I go to their baby group and also that I could go to the breastfeeding group to be support for new mums. At first I laughed at the idea I could offer advice to anyone, since I still spend a lot of my time feeling completely out of my depth. But even I can see that I’ve come a really long way and since I feel so strongly about breastfeeding I’d like to be able to share that. I might even take S to the baby group to make some friends!

I chatted to C about being a single mother, and how in the evenings once S is asleep I will creep downstairs for my tea. I often sit on the sofa, shovelling food into my mouth as quickly as I can because if S wakes while I’m eating I can’t afford to just throw food away, but I also can’t leave her to cry, and it’s times like that I really don’t enjoy the fact I’m doing this on my own. She seemed to understand what I was talking about, but also pointed out that as it’s just the two of us, we can do as we please, go where we want, eat when we want, and don’t have to follow anyone else’s schedule.

So there we are: one day, two visitors, one inflated ego. Having had two professional people who know what they’re doing tell me they think I’m doing a good job, and that S is doing really well, has made me feel a lot better. On the nights where S is not at all interested in sleeping, and I’m knackered and desperate for the loo but she cries every time I leave the room, I tend to have an attack of “omg, I’m rubbish at this, he was right, I can’t do it on my own, S is going to grow up damaged because of meeeeeeee…” it’s nice to have someone who knows what they’re talking about, and sees this sort of situation all the time, tell me I’m doing ok.

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Our Week: 20-27 October

Monday 22 Oct

Up early after a less than peaceful night’s sleep. Went for a walk to my old office to drop something off for a friend, and to pick up a toy from another friend. That was basically our day. Walked the long way home in vain attempt to get S to have her morning nap. Failed miserably so came home and dealt with a grumpy baby who didn’t want to eat her lunch. Afternoon nap did not go well either, so in the end I took her upstairs and had a nap with her.

Tuesday 23 Oct

Up early so went into town for supplies before a visit from a nursery nurse, who came to fix all of our sleeping problems. Back into town after S’s afternoon nap to pick up the things we forgot in the morning.

Wednesday 24 Oct

Up early and into town to pick up what we forgot to buy twice on Tuesday. Our Home Start lady came and played games with S while I made some phone calls and sorted paperwork. After lunch we went to see my brother and his wife, who gave S a big black bag full of toys, as well as one of those zebra thingies for when she is a little older. No danger of getting S to bed on time so put her in her bouncy chair in a sleeping bag… she slept like a log til I went to bed.

Thursday 25 Oct

Up and off to the out of town supermarket to exchange something I’d bought at the weekend. Really it was just an excuse to get out of the house. S fell asleep while we were walking, so I took a detour around the park on the way home to prolong the napping. Came home and spent the afternoon doing not a fat lot. Evening spent rocking her back and forth in the pushchair intermittently begging her to sleep. Didn’t work.

Friday 26 Oct

A nice little trip to town with the baby sling followed by a quiet afternoon and another evening like Thursday. This seems to be becoming the norm and I am not best pleased about it.

Saturday 27 Oct

Long walk with my sister, A. Workout in the park that hurt both of us, then a walk back again. Cooked stew and dumplings from scratch and was pleased with myself. S slept through Star Wars all afternoon. In hindsight I should not have allowed this to happen, as bedtime was a joke. She actually laughed at me. There has been a lot of crying and a lot of running up and down the stairs, after I decided nothing but bad habits could come of having her permanently spending the evenings in the living room with me.

Our Week, 15 -20 Oct

Monday 15 Oct

Up reasonably early and off to visit a friend who lives on the outskirts of town, up a big hill. Perfect workout for the legs and the lungs, only slightly marred by being rained on. Had a lovely visit with said friend, though she did give me the whole “look how far you’ve come” speech and make me a bit emotional. Afternoon spent playing, evening spent trying desperately to get S to sleep before giving up and having her sit in her bouncy chair until I capitulated and took us both to bed at 9pm.

Tuesday 16 Oct

Tiring day. S slept badly, which meant so did I. Got up late, breakfasted late. S had the world’s shortest nap and woke up grumpy, so I took her out in the pushchair thinking she’d go back to sleep. She didn’t, but I did bump into my auntie, which brightened my day. Came home, spent the afternoon trying to placate her after another pointlessly short nap. Put her to bed and prayed. Had about an hour of quiet before S woke up. Went to bed early and had a couple of hours’ sleep before she woke up, and stayed awake and grumpy until 9am. Far from ideal.

Wednesday 17 Oct

Day started about 5 hours before I would have liked. D, my Home Start volunteer, brought cakes, biscuits and a gossip magazine. Spent most of the day trying to get S to nap, or playing with her. She’s not big into doing anything on her own at the moment. No housework was done, and I really could not be bothered to leave the house. The only way is up… right?

Thursday 18 Oct

Desperate to get S to have some proper sleep, I took her for a long walk. It worked; she had a 2 hour morning nap. But no afternoon nap, and no proper sleep in the evening. Called the health visitor and a nursery nurse is coming out next week.

Friday 19 Oct

Another day, another walk to try and get S to sleep. Sort of worked but not much. Very short nap, followed by lunch and another very short nap, and then a visit from my aunt and cousin. Still going through the motions of the bedtime routine and putting S to bed at 6, but it’s largely pointless; she’s back in the living room by 7pm and we don’t go to sleep til midnight.

Saturday 20 Oct

Another restless night followed by an early morning. Up and out for a walk with little sis, then back home for visits from other little sis and her bloke, a friend delivering clothes for S, and another friend showing off a shocking new hair colour. Three messy meals necessitated Bath Night, followed by lots of frustration at trying to fall asleep. S had three naps today, all relatively short; am not sure whether this bodes well or not for tonight’s sleep. Cross your fingers please!

Counting my Blessings

As my recent blog posts may have hinted, I’m having a pretty rough time at the moment. Whenever I am awake in the wee small hours, I often find myself getting pretty angry that I’m doing this on my own. This is not what I signed up for. When I got pregnant I was in a relationship. When I gave birth I was in a relationship. I assumed that when my baby was 6 months old and having trouble sleeping, I would still be in that relationship, and would therefore have a bit of help and support in dealing with extreme stress and sleep deprivation. I also assumed that my family would be there to rally round, that I would have a whole hoard of people I could call upon to come and lighten the load, either by helping with housework, or looking after S while I had a break. The reality is that I assumed wrong. And when I’m so tired and so  fed up I can barely see, and I’m walking into door frames and pleading my child to please just go to sleep, I find myself pretty cross about that. Where are all these people who are supposed to rally around a new mum? Aren’t they supposed to be helping me? I’m not meant to feel this alone and isolated.

It’s times like this that I think I just need to take a step backwards and look at the facts, reminding myself why I prefer my current position to any possible alternatives. Count my blessings, as it were.

• I may be the only person having to deal with S’s grumpy moods, but I’m also the only one who gets her regular cuddles, smiles and giggles. All her love is just for me and I don’t have to share.
• As pointed out by numerous friends on numerous occasions, I’m actually doing pretty bloody well on my own. The whole “look how far you’ve come” argument really is valid, as evidenced by the “diary entries from early motherhood” posts I’ve put up lately.
• I know from bitter experience that sadly we really are better off without S’s father – and that even when he was here, he didn’t help out with anything I would find useful at 3am. He bought us a cooker and then he buggered off, and it was the best thing for all concerned.
• Most of my family might not be banging down the door to offer their help, but lots of other people are. My Home Start lady is truly amazing, and I have some of the best friends a girl could wish for, who I know will help if I ask.
• Despite the current blip, and even for fleeting moments during the blip, S is a happy, healthy baby. I’d rather have this situation than one where she is less happy, less healthy, or perhaps in an unsafe situation.
• I might be tired, but other mothers are dealing with much worse, more worrying and stressful situations than just a baby who is not sleeping well.
• From what I’ve been told/reading lately, all babies go through an unsettled stage at 6 months. And at the moment a lot of babies are not sleeping well. There are a lot of sleep-deprived mamas on my Facebook; I’m not alone in this!
• Despite having a hard time, I have not compromised my beliefs with regard to how I want to care for S. I have resisted the urge to dump her in the cot and run away! She has a slightly more frazzled, grumpy mummy, but she still has a mummy who gives her lots of cuddles and kisses.
• As per yesterday’s post, this is a lesson in patience and acceptance. I’m doing my best to learn to just sit with it, take a deep breath and do what needs to be done – a life lesson that will no doubt come in very useful a few more times before S is old enough to fend for herself!
• I’m knackered and fed up, but at least I’m not sleep deprived and having to get up and go to work in the mornings! If S keeps me up all night, I can always share her nap later in the day, or go to bed earlier the next night.
• Because I’m alone in this, I don’t have to make an effort to maintain other relationships while I’m this tired and fed up. I would imagine couples going through this end up having an awful lot of arguments about nothing even vaguely important, because their fuse is too short to do otherwise! If I feel crappy I can cancel my plans with friends or family, and therefore avoid sniping at them over nothing.
• There is nothing in this world more awesome right now, than the look on S’s face when she’s pulled a blanket over her face to play Peekaboo with me. And it’s just for me.

There are a million other blessings I could, and probably should, count, but I’m too tired to think of them. It helps to think of the positives though, and remind myself that right now I’m in exactly the right place, doing the right thing, with the right people around me. Everything happens for a reason, and I’m learning a lot from this experience. You learn a lot more, a lot more quickly, from uncomfortable situations.

I’m trying to keep telling myself this.

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Hooray for Home Start!

Tomorrow is Wednesday, which means my Home Start lady is coming round. As I sit here on a Tuesday evening, I’m surprised to find that I’m really looking forward to her visit.

You know when you have a week off work, and you get to Thursday and suddenly think, oh bugger, I have fewer days off in front of me than behind, my week off is almost over, I’d better Do Something? I’ve had that feeling periodically since having S: the feeling that I’m wasting my spare time, and it will be at an end soon and I should be doing more, appreciating it more. Of course, I know that eventually I will go back to work, S will go back to school, we will have less time together, and this time will seem like a far-off utopia of days gone by – but I tend to get a more urgent feeling, akin to the sort you’d get if you were going back to work after the weekend. Just lately, it has occurred to me that this is it: this is how my life just is now, and it’s not going to change any time soon. We have very little to fill our days with, and often spend large chunks of time wandering aimlessly around Sainsbury’s. I’m not going back to real life on Monday; this is real life.

This last couple of weeks has been really tough. I’ve realised just how much I need S to sleep well, even if that’s just so that I can have an hour watching TV or doing housework without having to try and simultaneously entertain her. It’s physically and mentally exhausting for her to be awake constantly, especially when her lack of sleep means she is usually grumpy as well. I’ve been doing this on my own for six months now, without a day off or more than an hour to myself here and there. On the one hand, there have been several times lately when I’ve been desperate for someone – anyone – to take S off my hands for a couple of hours so that I could have a break. On the other hand, the minute she is away from me, I miss her terribly, and feel horribly guilty for being apart from her.

There’s an episode of How I Met Your Mother where a little girl brings Lilly a picture of a rainbow several times, and each time she says “oh wow, what a beautiful rainbow!” and then, the last time she brings one up Lilly loses her cool and says “seriously, are you kidding me? Another rainbow? Aren’t you sick of them?” This is what I feel like sometimes. S cries or gets grouchy over something, and most of the time I’ll go to her and calm her and chat baby talk at her and play with her toys or cuddle her or do whatever it takes, for however long it takes, until she’s ok… and then there’ll be an evening where I’ve been up and down the stairs to her five times, and I’m starving and about to bite into what is now a barely lukewarm dinner, and she cries… and the words I utter as I trudge up the stairs are a little more along the lines of “Another rainbow?”

I was talking to a friend yesterday about having a night out. The difference between us is that she is married, so if she goes out her kids are with their dad: they love him, they feel safe with him. She knows they will be looked after and she has nothing to worry about, and that they probably won’t notice much of difference than if she were there. For me, if I wanted a night out I would have to consider leaving S with someone largely unfamiliar. She has aunties and uncles, and I have several amazing friends, all of whom I know would do a good job of looking after her, but she only knows any of them as someone who’s danced around the living room with her for a couple of hours here and there. There’s nobody completely constant in her life with whom I could leave her and know she wouldn’t be upset by the disruption. And, of course, there is still the massive guilt at leaving here anywhere, with anyone – as if I don’t want her around.

I was toying with the idea of going to the health visitor to see if she would look into getting me some funding for a nursery place a couple of mornings a week, just to allow me a bit of a break and some breathing space from time to time. But this is largely unrealistic, since S is still mostly breastfed and won’t take a bottle (even if I could work the ridiculous pump I have enough to get a bottle full of milk for her). And I know that I would probably spend the entire time she was in a nursery, sitting at home pining for her and feeling guilty that I’d left her.

Wednesdays are my salvation at the moment. D only spends a couple of hours here, but during that time she will largely take over looking after S. She bounces her on her knee, plays on her play mat with her, pulls faces, sings songs and sometimes spends half an hour rocking her back and forth until she falls asleep. I do things like catch up on phone calls to the electricity company or sorting through paperwork. We have a cup of coffee together and I tell her about my week, and we chat about whatever comes up. She’s like a therapist and a babysitter in one! Plus, she always brings milk for coffee, and usually cake or biscuits too.

Our Week, 8-13 October

Monday 08 Oct

After a rather unsettled (and somewhat screamy) night’s sleep, we got up and walked across town to pick up some baby clothes. We were also supposed to walk to an out of town superstore in another direction to pick up an order, but I couldn’t be bothered. We came home instead, and spent a fair amount of time playing. And then a nap, and then more playing. Bed time appears to have become a two-stage thing, where S falls asleep and I sneak out, only to find her awake and crying 15 minutes later. This happened again, but fingers crossed it’s not a permanent change!

Tuesday 09 Oct

Walked in the pouring rain to the big out of town Next to pick up an order. Turned up at 9:45 to find they didn’t open til 10. Got drenched. Came home, got changed, and went to see the health visitor. My one has been off sick for months so I saw yet another lady I’d not seen before. It’s a different one every time these days, and far from an ideal situation.

Wednesday 10 Oct

Our Home Start lady came and brought cakes for me and two teething toys for S. In the afternoon my sister Z came round with some rice krispie cakes she’d made and I ate until I felt sick. We didn’t leave the house all day.

Thursday 11 Oct

Up and out early to run some errands around town. Home by 11am to attempt housework, but S had other ideas. Her poor sleeping pattern over the last few days has been getting gradually worse, and today she had no naps at all, and then couldn’t sleep at bed time. Ended up bringing her downstairs and pushing her back and forth in the pushchair until she fell asleep, then camping on the sofa.

Friday 12 Oct

Another day where we didn’t leave the house. Had plans to go out for a walk with a friend but after another poor night’s sleep I cancelled in favour of trying to get some rest. S actually managed a morning nap, and was in a fairly agreeable mood, meaning I managed to get a fair few things done. Unfortunately her afternoon nap, during which I was planning to sleep, was interrupted by a loud knock on the door, and so I spent the afternoon trying to distract S from grizzling; no mean feat. Despite this, I still managed to do some decorating, cleaning and washing – so not a complete loss.

Saturday 13 Oct

A slightly better night followed by a lazy morning. When it became clear S did not intend on having a morning nap, I took her out in the sling instead. She finally fell asleep after half an hour of wandering around the shops, so I stayed out for as long as I could in order to keep her asleep. Certainly feeling her weight gain in my back these days! When we came home she was in an agreeable mood, and even had a long afternoon nap, so I managed to get a lot done – baking, stewing and pureeing foods, cleaning the kitchen, washing up, more decorating, posting a gazillion items on Ebay. She is now in bed, but I’ve been up to her twice already. Fingers crossed she stays asleep now, and I get to have a lazy Saturday evening after a somewhat stressful week!

Our Week 30 Sept - 6 Oct

Sunday 30 Sept

S slept fairly well the first part of the night, but I woke up after a few hours feeling ill. It took  me a couple of hours to settle back down, and just as I did, S woke up thinking it must surely be time to get up and play. It took another couple of hours to get her back to sleep. On the plus side though, she did let me sleep in until 8:30 this morning so I can’t really complain. We had a lazy day: lots of laying on the play mats and giggling. We had a brief wander into town to buy a paper, but forgot the paper and came back with baby clothes that had been discounted in Sainsbury’s instead. And as it was a Sunday, I had a massive roast dinner delivered to my door in the evening too. Perfect.

Monday 01 Oct

S seems to have developed a body clock that thinks 4am is the time to get up and play. This is happening daily now, and really quite annoying. We slept late again, which was nice but not terribly useful, since we had an opticians appointment to keep. Walked to the optician, located inside a large out of town superstore. They took a ridiculous amount of time to do very little, and then so as not to have wasted the trip we wandered around the supermarket a bit, and bought some food we could have done without. Since S fell asleep as I walked back toward home, I decided it would be a good idea to wander around town a little. She read my mind though, and woke up as we got into town. So we had a little wander, then came home and spent a lot of time playing. S decided she really did not need an afternoon nap, which was fine until about 4pm when she turned into Grumpzilla. A friend came round and finished painting the living room wall, while S whined and cried and rubbed her eyes and I assured him she really is a happy baby most of the time. Ended up putting her to bed at 5:30 again. Have capitulated and ordered a copy of The No Cry Nap Solution from Amazon in the hope of sorting out this anti-nap stance she has developed. Evening spent writing a blog post I had really got into, and speaking to my OU tutor, who approved of my first essay submission.

Tuesday 02 Oct

We were up almost hourly all night. On the plus side, 8:30am seems to be our new wake-up time, which isn’t too bad. Weather was rubbish and I had things to do, so we stayed in this morning. I put the furniture back after the living room wall was painted yesterday, moved the flooring into a pile in the corner, washed nappies and towels, moved half my (rather large) book collection upstairs ready for the floor to be laid, moved a book case upstairs for the same reason, broke the loo roll holder I only fixed to the wall last week, and stewed some apples for baby food. S sat in her chair, lay on her play mats, and had a brief play in her door bouncer, resolutely refusing to nap until tiredness finally overcame her early afternoon. When she woke up we went for a brief wander into town to get out of the house for a while, bought a nice babygro from a charity shop on the way home. S had a second nap when we got in, which was nice, and she still went to bed on time.

Wednesday 03 Oct

A better night, and a slightly earlier wake up. Our Home Start volunteer came to visit, bringing milk for our coffee and post biscuits, which was nice. She stayed a couple of hours, long enough for me to make some phone calls and sort some paperwork. Managed to get S to have a nap, which was good. Afternoon was spent doing washing, watching a TV show about breastfeeding and tidying. Yeah, I’m living the rock and roll dream!

Thursday 04 Oct

S was awake half the night, which was not much fun for either of us, but worse for her as she seemed to be suffering tummy pain. Set an alarm for the first time in months to ensure we were up, bathed and dressed before the man from the council came to fix our windows at 9am. Received a phone call at 8:30am to say sorry but the man was ill. Appointment re-booked for next Thursday afternoon. Had a brief visit from a friend who brought a toy over for S but then had to leave because her daughter was poorly. S had a rare morning nap, during which I did fun things like take the rubbish out and sort the washing, and then we went for a walk around town. Narrowly missed running head-on into S’s father and his new girlfriend and child, which was a bit of a nightmare. Bought some material to attempt a home-made dribble bib. Came home for lunch and attempted an afternoon nap; it lasted 20 minutes, and then we played and blew raspberries for the rest of the afternoon. My sister came to visit for a while, which was handy as she played daft games with S while I dyed my hair.

Friday 05 Oct

A much better night’s sleep, though I did wake up several times in a panic because S hadn’t woken up to feed! One time I had to put the light on and pull at her arms until she moved because until that point I couldn’t hear or see her breathing. Panic stations at 2am do not make for a restful night! S had no clue though, and was sound asleep. Went to visit a friend this morning, which was nice for all 3 of us. Stopped in town on the way home to run some errands, though am sure I missed more than one. S played with her feet on her play mat for a couple of hours when we got in, and even had a short nap, but then got super grumpy and upset about something and was inconsolable until bed time, when she went out like a light. I think perhaps she is having a Wonder Week.

There is no entry for today yet, as it hasn't happened! We are off on a road trip soon to visit Big S (who my little S was named after). We've not seen her for aaaaages (since S was about 3 weeks old) and we're both super excited. 

Have You Ever Heard of Home Start?

This morning we had our first visit from our Home Start volunteer.

Home Start is a charity set up to support families who need a little help. They provide volunteers who will visit a family and offer support and guidance on a variety of different things. Home Start is a relatively small charity, but they  offer an invaluable service, going out into the community to help families who might otherwise feel isolated or struggle with things like post natal depression, bereavement, mental or physical disability of a child, or perhaps just trouble getting used to parenthood. Their services are available to all families with a child under five. Their website says they aim to create " a lasting, positive impact on the development of children and the health and welfare of the family." I was referred to them by my health visitor but a lot of people refer themselves to the service. Until the health visitor mentioned them, I'd not heard of Home Start before, so I thought I'd write a little post about them, in case anyone else could do with knowing about their services.

My volunteer is called Dawn, and she is lovely. She turned up this morning with flowers, coffee, cake, and a gossipy magazine for me. Who could ask for more from a visitor? 

Dawn will visit us once a week for as long as we need her support. The idea is that she will be someone to chat to (moan at!), distract Samaire while I make important phone calls that might prove difficult without that help, and to come to appointments with me to do the same sort of thing. She can't babysit for me, but she will come to the council/CAB/solicitor/whoever and keep Samaire entertained while I sort things out. She is also there to come to mother and baby groups etc with me if I don't want to rock up on my own, which is handy.

Today we just sat and had a coffee and a chat; Samaire and Dawn got to know each other, and I filled Dawn in on our story and why I feel I need the extra support of having her in my life right now. For me I think a lot of my benefit of having Dawn visit will be that I'll actually have to get things done. It's been easy to put off making phone calls, booking appointments, because there was always something to distract me. If Dawn has come round specifically to play with Samaire while I call the electricity company about my incorrect bill, then I may actually get around to making that call!

Home Start offer support to families in the UK, but also to the families of British Forces personnel in Germany and Cyprus, which is something you don't often think about with these sorts of things. As they are a charity, they rely on donations and sponsorship to keep going - and, of course, volunteers. They currently have around 17,000 volunteers who go out into the community to visit families, and another 2000 who run their local offices. I am sure they will always welcome new volunteers though so if you have free time that you'd like to spend making friends with a family and playing with kids, click on over to their website and take a look!

One great way you can support Home Start without even really trying is by going to this site and signing up; then they will donate a percentage of the cost of anything you buy through their site. You still shop at the normal websites, and it doesn't cost you a penny!

I will leave you with a quote from their website, which I liked:

If families crumble, communities disintegrate, children suffer. By working in the home to make families strong, children thrive. So we help give children the best possible start in life by supporting parents as they grow in confidence, strengthen their relationships with their children and widen their links with the local community. We work with the families who, for whatever reason, aren’t getting the help they need. Very often we’re the last chance they have.

Support

When you are a first-time mother, you have no idea what is “normal” for a baby – and when they are very small, the slightest thing sends you into a panic that you have broken them (or is that just me?) For mothers with a partner, even if that partner is also a first-time parent, there is somebody to give a second opinion: “did she have that mark there yesterday?” “Do you think that crying sounds different to her normal crying?” “Does this poo-filled nappy smell normal to you?” “Does she look a bit peaky to you?” “Do you think I should call the doctor?”

When you are on your own, there is nobody readily available to consult on such things. There’s also nobody to grab you a snack while you’re stuck on the couch feeding in the middle of a growth spurt and crying because you’re so unbelievably hungry and can see no light at the end of the tunnel – what if this baby is always going to be this hungry, and I never get to change out of this puke-stained t shirt?

To be fair, even before S’s father buggered off he wasn’t much support in this area. Still, when he finally went, I was completely bewildered, with nobody to consult as to what was normal, and what necessitated a trip to the doctor. I made numerous fraught Facebook updates, and had literally no clue as to how I would move forward in this.

My family has never really been very good at the whole touchy-feely thing. While I was mourning the end of a relationship I had thought was forever, missing S’s half brothers and sisters who I’d spent a year caring for, and trying to get used to being solely responsible for a tiny baby with no instruction manual, they didn’t really jump up to offer assistance as perhaps other families would. To be fair I didn’t really expect them to; it’s not like we’re a particularly close lot and the idea of suddenly spending lots of time with them makes me balk slightly. That said, I do send my sister in law at least one text a week asking a ridiculous new mum question and she rarely laughs at me for it! And I see my younger sisters regularly; but because they are that much younger than me I never feel that I could fall at their feet in a puddle of snot and expect them to help – I am the older sister, they shouldn’t have to look after me. I felt very alone in my battle to establish some kind of normality in my life, completely lost at sea. I didn’t want to burden people with my problems, but in some instances I felt that I’d been abandoned by those who perhaps should have been rallying round.

Luckily, the day after S’s father left us, a friend I’d not seen since we were in hospital texted to see how we were. I told her what had happened and her response was perfect: “this is the plan, no arguments. I’m coming round this evening, I will help you bath the baby and put her to bed so you can have some time to yourself. See you at 5.” She came round, helped bath S, got her to sleep, did my washing up, tidied my living room, and told me (repeatedly) I could do it on my own. She spent a lot of time with me over the next few weeks, helping me to put up net curtains, talking about what was going on with S’s father, giving advice and telling me the sort of things “they” never tell you about having a baby.

Several other friends came and made similar mercy missions: one friend came from her house 25 miles away to bring me home-cooked bolognaise sauce, brownies and a big hug and “you’re doing an amazing job.” Several friends texted, emailed, left encouraging comments on my Facebook. Friends I’ve not really seen much for a good few years have met me for coffee, given me lifts to pick things up or just gone on mad random road trips with me, listening to my whining and telling me everything would be fine, right when I needed to hear it. I will be forever indebted to a friend who stood in the middle of Homebase and said to me quite plainly, “you are making excuses for your ex and you have to stop.” One friend, a girl I’d actually not seen since I was around 12, sent me a message to say I was doing a great job and not to worry, and that she’d invited me to join this Facebook group she thought might be useful. Since that day, I have made hundreds of posts in that group, asking stupid questions, letting off steam about things that were bothering me, and squealing with delight when something good happened. The group is closed, so I knew that I could have a good old rant about whatever was bothering me, without the fear of anyone else seeing it. And the ladies in that group were so supportive; they made me feel that I was making the right decisions, that my gut instinct wasn’t completely off.

Some sources of support have appeared seemingly from nowhere. The day S’s father left the postman knocked the door to deliver a package, and it was the man who ran a church youth group I attended fifteen years ago. He arranged for a man from his church to come and paint over the damp patch on my bedroom wall, and also gave me a lift to the hospital one Saturday night when I was mid-panic about S. Strange though it may seem, having not been to that church for so long, I do feel very much that if I had a problem and someone there could help, they would – which, to me, is what Christianity is all about.

My health visitor, who had supported me since before the breakup, was (and still is) invaluable. She, her student, and her nursery nurse still all go out of their way to tell me I’m doing really well and bolster my confidence. One or other of them referred me to my local Children’s Centre where there were several groups they thought I might like to attend. A lady from the centre actually came out to the flat to talk to me about what services they offer, because they knew I wasn’t very confident going out just yet. They also suggested I join a counselling group for women in a similar situation to me with regards to my relationship. That group probably saved me and S from a great deal of heartache. Later, when I called the health visitor in tears after a street-based slanging match with S’s father, they referred me to Home Start, a charity based locally who are in the process of pairing me up with a volunteer who will come to visit us weekly, sit with S while I make important phone calls or come with us to appointments for the same reason. Being a single mother, you suddenly realise how easy you had it before when you had to call the gas board about a problem, or go to the council offices to go through some form or other. Babies don’t like to be ignored, especially when they are in their pushchairs, in a strange place.

I do feel that I’ve found my feet a bit more lately, but I still have episodes when I have no clue what I am doing. I have more support now, though. I know that I can post a stupid question on Facebook and, while some people will leave a jokey or rude (or sometimes judgemental or plainly unhelpful) response, I have a solid group of friends who will always help out by giving their own take on the situation, offering their own experience of it. This works well, because I know people who have raised, or are raising children in very different ways under different circumstances – so I get a lot of different advice to choose from. I still call my health visitor, but usually when I have issues with S’s father, rather than issues with S herself. More importantly, I am more inclined to reach out and call or text the people I would previously not have wanted to burden. I might not call up and say “help me I’m having a shitty day,” but sometimes just having a conversation with another adult is all you need to get you through.

The whole situation has made me much more compassionate towards other people’s suffering, especially where a new baby is concerned. I’ve found myself sending messages to people I don’t know terribly well, offering my support should they need it. My first few months as a mother were a lot less fun than I would have hoped, and if I can do anything to avoid someone else’s experience being like that, I am inclined to do it. My friends have set me a good example in that respect. And for the times when I don’t want to burden my friends with yet another whiney moan, I know there are other places I can approach for help. Things are looking up!