A Post About Self Esteem and Husbands

I've been reading a lot lately about goal setting, and how important it is to set goals. Not just for now, next week, next month, next year, but also for the bigger picture; where you want to be in 20 years' time.

I've never got around to actually writing down my goals though... by which I mean, I actively resisted doing it. I had the pen and paper in my hands several times, but always found a reason not to actually write anything down.

The other day, I was listening to a CD of the Damsels in Success Ignite conference, and decided to just get on and write down where I want to be in 20 years. I wrote my list: where I live, what my house is like, what S is like, what I'm doing for a living, blah blah. Each time I finished writing one point, it crossed my mind to mention a man in my life. Then I would just move on to another detail.

I felt a strong resistance against making any mention of a man in my long term plans. But here I am, single and considering joining a dating site in order to meet a man. I complain about being single all the time. I often wish I had a long-term partner in my life... so why did I have such a problem with imagining one in my long term goals?

When I was a teenager, I felt so horrendously ugly, both inside and out, that I honestly thought I would never find anyone who would want to be with me. I told everyone I didn't want to get married and have children because I thought if I convinced myself and everyone else of this, it wouldn't hurt so much when it never happened.

I convinced everyone that I didn't want or like children, that I was scared of them and didn't want them around. People were surprised when I fell pregnant because they had always believed my constant affirmation that I was fine on my own; and now here I was, suddenly step parent to six children and expecting my own. I don't think anyone expected me to be particularly good at being a mother because I'd always talked about how much I didn't want to be one and never wanted to get married. When I was pregnant I remember my mother telling me I was the least maternal person she'd ever met. And yet here I am, doing a pretty damn good job of being a mother to S, and loving it. Like I always secretly knew that I would.

Guess what: I always wanted to get married and have children; I just didn't believe I was, or would ever be good enough to have either. I believed I was so bad that nobody would ever want to have children with me. This belief was compounded when my relationship with S's father turned out to be a farce. See, the only person who wanted to have a baby with me was using me and didn't even want me or the baby so much as more people to control and manipulate. I wasn't even good enough for him. It's hard to come through something like that, and not see it that way: that you weren't even good enough for someone that low and disgusting and nasty.

It seems I've done a pretty a good job of convincing myself and everyone around me that I don't want a husband and children. Since having S I've been largely independent; mostly through necessity, often through choice and pig-headed determination I've managed to sabotage a fair few relationships in my life because the idea of being a long term relationship didn't fit in with my view of myself - even though that view was wrong. Because I am good enough. Just as I am, without having to wear more make up or lose a few pounds or dye my roots. When my daughter looks at me she doesn't see any of that; she doesn't see that my clothes don't fit well, or that I've not washed my hair today and my nail varnish is chipped. I really don't think it's outside the realms of possibility that I could find a man who feels the same.

In the end, after a lot of poking at myself to try and figure out what the problem was, I wrote down at the bottom of my list of goals that I want to be happily married, possibly with more children. It was probably the weirdest and hardest sentence I've ever written. But I did it. And now... now I wait for him to turn up! (and maybe join a dating website if I can pluck up the courage)

On Being a *Single* Mother

I'm fed up and feeling sorry for myself. 

This time of year is shit when you're single. The world seems full of happy couples, holding hands and kissing under mistletoe and doing their Christmas shopping and all the rest of it. And don't give me all that old bollocks about people having problems you can't see. The fact is, I go to bed alone and I get up alone and often the only person I speak more than three words to through the day is my todder who, lovely and perfect though she is, cannot really provide the companionship I long for.

If you're single at Christmas, you can go out and get drunk with your friends and maybe cover up the fact you're alone and miserable a little bit. A lot of people aren't even lonely and miserable; they're happy to be single. I was once. 

When you're a single mother though, you can't go out and celebrate Christmas like all the other single people do. And even if I could get my sister to babysit every single night for me, I wouldn't want to go out and leave S while I got drunk or whatever. Basically, I'm pissed off about a situation I can't even really change. 

At Christmas, it seems that you either do the drunken celebrations in the pub, or you do the family thing at home. Both are good fun, both involve Christmas cheer and blah blah blah. For me though, there's not a lot of Christmas cheer to be had once S is in bed of an evening. Then it's just me and the TV, which is inevitably filled with happy couples holding hands and kissing under mistletoe and doing their Christmas shopping and all the rest of it (I don't watch Eastenders so I can't comment on that particular bleakness). Even last year, when I was technically in a "relationship" at Christmas, I spent most of it alone, trying to cover the fact I was feeling pretty let down by that.

I think this current mood has been sparked by the fact there was a small piece in Mother & Baby about having sex when you're a mother, and they used me as an example for the "single mother." It just highlighted how shit my love life really is. 

I've been single for almost a year. During that time, nobody has shown any real interest in being more than just friends with me. Earlier this year, three different men said they would like to take me to the cinema to see the same movie. Three of them... In the end, I just watched it when it came out on dvd; they all let me down. I love the cinema, but I've not been for nearly two years because there is nobody to go with. And yes, I could go with a friend but it's not the same is it. That's not what I'm missing. I have friends, and they all have partners to go back to and spend evenings and weekends and Christmas and New Year with.

I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm fed up. I don't think I'm a bad person, I don't think I deserve to be miserable and alone and have my lonely misery interspersed by brief periods of hope that I am not indeed disgusting and hopeless, only to be returned to the miserable loneliness, usually unceremoniously, for no apparent reason.

I'm tired of putting a brave face on. I'm tired of being a single mother. S is 20 months old now. I've had 20 months of doing everything alone (yes, I was seeing someone last Christmas but really, he didn't manage to even once look after S for 20 minutes so that I could have a bath without an audience, much less "take the pressure off" or whatever it is they're supposed to do). I've had 20 months of being alone. S goes to sleep, I do the house work, prepare what needs to be prepared for morning, maybe do a little work, and mostly sit and wait for it to be time to go to bed. Alone.

I was talking to a friend the other day who said a female friend was absolutely desperate to find a father for her children. I am sort of the other way. I am very wary of finding a "replacement dad" for S; not because of what single mothers usually say: "oh, she already has a father" because S doesn't, really. She's never had a father figure in her life. I am very wary of letting just anyone wander into that sort of role. So while I am desperately, miserably alone and single, I've managed to avoid all the ill-advised car crash relationships I used to wander into when I had nobody else to worry about, and wasn't particularly worried about myself.

There has been a lot of examining my past relationships, a lot of navel gazing. A lot of wondering what is wrong with me, that I keep ending up in the same shit, with the same losers, feeling like the same idiot. I should have a better sense of self preservation, but I don't. But now I have a sense of needing to protect my daughter, which is why I am single and not dating yet another in a long line of wankers. Not that any loser wankers are even showing an interest these days. Except that one guy... who I really can't afford to go near again. Ever.

But it would still be nice to have someone to kiss under the mistletoe, someone to cuddle up to at night, someone to just be here from time to time. Someone to say "happy New Year, we're going to have a great year together."

Disclaimer: if you are, or are friends with/related to someone I used to date, obviously you/they are not included in the "long line of wankers" to which I refer. Obviously, you/they are the one shining exception.

Clare's Law

Do you know your partner's past?

Could you guarantee, without a shadow of a doubt, that he (or she) has never been abusive in the past?

Clare Wood was murdered by a violent ex partner in 2009. She had made several complaints to the police about him before her death. Her murderer had previously been in prison for three years, for harassing another woman, and for six months for breaking a restraining order. But Clare Wood had no way of knowing about this when she began her relationship with him.

After her death, Clare's family campaigned to make sure something could be done to prevent this happening to anyone else.

Last year, Clare's Law (the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme) was piloted in four counties in the UK, including Wiltshire (where I am).

Under the new law, if you are in a relationship with someone, and you're not sure of their past - or you just want some peace of mind - you can ask the police for information about them. You do this, in the first instance, by dailling 101 and stating you want to make a request for information under Clare's Law.

The police will take details from you regarding yourself and your partner, and will then go off to investigate further.

Things you need to know about Clare's Law:

• You can only request information about a current partner. The police cannot give you information about family members, acquaintances, ex partners (even if they are the father of your child).
• A friend or relative can make an enquiry on your behalf, if they are worried about your involvement with someone. In this instance, I think the police will still contact you with the information, rather than your friend or relative.
• The police can only tell you about previous domestic incidents, and convictions for violence they feel are relevant.
• If your partner is a convicted armed robber, a confidence trickster, suspected of fraud or burglary, the police cannot tell you this. But if he had a fight with his brother, at home, and the police were called, they will tell you that.
• Before they divulge anything to you, the police have to inform the person you are enquiring about. That person can't stop them from divulging information, but they do have to know what you will be told.
• If there is information to be divulged, the police will assess the situation and decide how best to proceed. If they feel you are at risk, they may ask you to come into the station to be told what you need to know, so that they can help you to escape a dangerous situation if that is what you want.
• In my experience, once the police feel you are at risk, they are very supportive in helping you to feel safer.
• They will always ask you if you feel that you are at risk in your current situation, and why you are asking for this information; whether you have any suspicions.
• The most important thing you need to know is that most perpetrators of domestic abuse do not have a police record. The police cannot tell you what they do not know. Just because they come back with no information does not mean you are safe. If this law had been in place when I began my relationship with my ex, I would still have been none the wiser because until I spoke to the police about him, I don' t think anyone else had.
• That said, the police can (controversially) divulge previous allegations of abuse, even if there were no charges/conviction.

There have been mixed responses to Clare's Law. Many charities have said the money could have been better spent on helping women to leave abusive situations. They are not wrong. But in my opinion, being able to check whether a prospective partner has ever been involved in domestic violence before is a good thing. There are many, many other things that need to be done to ensure women are safe, but this is a good start.

Thank you for reading. If you have enjoyed this post, you may also like:

Emotional Abuse: Not as Obvious as You Might Think

How to Spot Domestic Abuse

Domestic Abuse: No Longer Just Physical

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Adventures in the Kissing of Frogs

The ex was by far the worst, but by no means the first. Here is a brief list of some of the other frogs I've kissed...

I must've been drunk to put up with this...

• When I was at college I briefly went out with a boy a couple of years older than me. He went away somewhere for half term, and called me on the Friday to say he was staying longer than expected, so wouldn't see me on Valentine's day, and could I please get up the next morning and call into his work and tell them he was too ill to come in. When he came back he sat down on a bench with me and told me he'd met a girl while he was away, and he thought she really could be "the one" so he felt he had to pursue it.
• There was the coke head who spent hours chatting me up while I worked in a pub, and would often tell his friends "yeah I'll catch you up in a minute" before leaving with me in the opposite direction - surefire way to ensure the friends hate the girlfriend. I later found out (from his supposed best friend) that the whole time he was with me, he was chasing after his ex. He told me afterwards that he had always been in love with her - as if this was supposed to make me feel better about it.
• The coke head's friend, who saw his chance when we split. He asked me out... I don't think we ever went on a date, I told him I wasn't interested. For the next couple of months I would get text messages at all hours of the day and night ranging between "oh please just go out with me I think you're lovely" and "you're such a cold hearted bitch." He drank a lot, and it seems at those times I was at the forefront of his mind. In the end I had to ask his father to make him stop texting me.
• The one my friends called "horse face" because he looked like a horse. Never took me anywhere, never did anything. Dumped me by just plain ignoring me - even though we were the only two people in the room.
• The cute one my housemates were convinced was gay. Had recently split with his short, blonde ex. Clearly didn't fancy being single over Christmas, or grovelling to her. Dumped me in the New Year by saying he didn't have time for a girlfriend... before going back to his ex, and then bringing her into the pub where I worked to show her off.
• The one who, every Tuesday, had "movie night" with a female friend. They would get roaring drunk and watch porn together before falling asleep/passing out in his bed. He couldn't understand why I had a problem with it.
• The one who was married "in name only," they were more like best friends, but they owned a house together and couldn't sell in the current climate. I found out later that he and his wife were very much together, and he had told lies on top of lies, on top of lies. About the most ridiculous things. The most ridiculous was when he told me he'd got food poisoning from a group meal he never attended, and called in sick for work telling them he'd got food poisoning from having gone-off milk on his cereal. Nobody knows what he was really up to. He seemed surprised when I turned up on his doorstep with a bag full of his stuff and told him to get knotted.
• There was one who really hated for me to use the internet at all, especially the blog I'd been maintaining for years before I met him. Went mental at me one Christmas after finding out I'd started a Facebook account. Spent the entire festive period telling me he wasn't sure he could handle it and we might have to split up. I found out later he'd had a Facebook for years.
• Another guy was manager in a hotel, and I would go and stay with him there. He owned a house with his ex, but they couldn't afford to sell it yet; he didn't want to take me home and rub her nose in the fact they'd split up. One day, out shopping, I got a call asking if I'd been sleeping with this guy. I asked why and the voice responded, "he's my fiance." I texted him asking what the hell was going on, and he replied asking me to please just lie to the girl and tell her there had been nothing going on between us.
• One guy I went out with was always either drunk, stoned or both on the weekends. We'd arrange for him to meet me from work at 3pm, but he never showed. Sometimes I would go round to his house, and find him still in bed asleep. He stopped speaking to me just before Christmas, presumably to avoid buying me a present, and then sent me an email mid-January from Leeds, where he had suddenly moved to.
• There was one guy who ran a pub; he used to come over on Friday nights with a bottle of vodka and proceed to get completely smashed, before we'd even left the house to go anywhere. I had to get drunk too. That was usually the one night a week I saw him. I don't even remember why we stopped seeing each other, but he then started seeing a "friend" of mine. I heard that the pub was closed down after a drugs raid.
• Then there was the guy who had split with his girlfriend a few months ago and moved in with his mother - but was going back to the house he owned with the ex on weekends, to fix it up ready to sell. He dumped me right before Christmas because he'd decided, despite telling me a million times that it could never happen, to go back to the ex and try again.
• A guy I had worked with a few years previously found me on Facebook and asked me out. I used to catch him checking out his muscles in mirrors, windows, any reflective surface. We went out about three times, and against my better judgement I went to his parents' house for Sunday lunch one weekend. He didn't live around here, but came back to visit at weekends. A couple of weeks later he invited me to his parents' place again. When I told him, I'm sure your family would rather see just you, since they don't see you often, his response was "you're part of the family now!" I ran for the hills. He was very bitter over the terrible way he believed I had treated him. 

Now you all know why I eat so much chocolate.

This post is not an attempt at revenge on those who have wronged me; I think this list says more about me than any of the men involved.

That said, if you recognise yourself in this list, and are offended... well, I'm not sorry; perhaps you should try to be less of a twat.

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How to Make a Relationship Really Hard Work

I am bad at relationships. I would say around 90% of my past relationships have ended after three months, with the man putting his head in his hands and admitting defeat. The rest of them probably should have ended after three months but didn't, and we ended up hating each other.

Having a relationship with HYM is difficult for so many reasons. For one, I have S, which means our time together is often interrupted by feeding, cooing, playing, and watching CBeebies, none of which is particularly romantic. Then there's the fact my last relationship messed with my head so much I wasn't entirely sure which way was up any more by the time it was over. And then there's the fact I'm just not good at this sort of thing. And because I know I'm crap at it, I still don't know how much of the last fiasco was my own fault. I mean, obviously the fact the ex was (is) a violent sociopath with great aptitude for making me believe everything was my fault was not my responsibility, but the fact I stuck around so long, and kept going back when I knew it was a bad idea, that is my fault. And I don't know how many of the times he told me I was messing him around, playing games, being an unreasonable bitch, were actually me being those things, and how many were him just messing with my head a bit more. Because I have form for being an unreasonable bitch.

Poor old HYM has to contend with all of this, as well as my extreme tiredness and crankiness caused by S having a cold and not sleeping too well lately.

The main problem is that when I am pissed off with him over something, I can't tell if it's something I should legitimately be annoyed about, or if I'm just being a bit over-sensitive and, well, stupid. This generally means that on one day I might go mental at him for being late or for not doing something he said he would do, and then the following day it's all fine and I take a deep breath and carry on. 

On the other hand, though, having a relationship with him is easy. I would rather be going through this whole "finding my feet in an odd situation" thing with him than with anyone else. I am good friends with a lot of my ex partners now, and don't wish to offend any of them, but I really don't feel that anyone I've been with previously could have put up with me and all the baggage that I'm currently carting around with me.

With the big things, like being violent or possessive or controlling, it's plain to see what happened, who was responsible, and that HYM couldn't do any of that even if he tried really hard. But with the smaller things, like when he does something that annoys me: is that because I'm unreasonable; or because I'm over-sensitive to that particular thing because of the way it was with the ex; or is he indeed in the wrong? The ex was a big one for passive-aggressive behaviour and was so good at using it, I am still now looking back at incidents and thinking "oh wait, yeah, that was probably him controlling the situation..." Stupid things like being late, forgetting to make phone calls or not getting around to doing something, take on a whole new meaning when they've been used to keep you in your place in the past. So I tend to react pretty badly if HYM doesn't do exactly what he's said he will do. Even if he said it when he was half asleep at 3 in the morning. This means I can't tell if the problems we have are just me being a bit thingy, or if they are a sign that this will not work out. Literally every time I see him, he says or does something that highlights the myriad differences between him and the ex. I know that S and I are safe with him both emotionally and physically. But I also worry that I will end up sabotaging this relationship before it's even properly begun. He's bound to get sick of walking on egg shells, and it's bound to happen sooner rather than later.

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What a Difference a Year Makes.

Today is one year since I had my 20 week scan. I remember the date, because it's also the ex's eldest son's birthday, and that's still written in my diary.

S&I at 23 weeks

It's strange to think about how much has changed since then. The day itself was not pleasant for me. I'd not been getting on with S's father at all, but agreed he could come to the scan. He arrived late, tried to figure out the sex of the baby on the monitor even though we'd agreed we wouldn't find out, and talked over the lady when she tried to explain things. We'd been arguing in the weeks leading up to it, and I think he'd only started being pleasant so that I'd allow him to come. We'd not seen each other for a while, and I found that I couldn't bring myself to even look at him. I felt incredibly sad that for most women the 20 week scan is an immensely happy thing, holding hands with their partner and looking forward to meeting their baby. I had none of that. While I was glad the scan showed a healthy, normal baby (and so relieved, after all the stress and worry I'd been going through), the day was mainly filled with sadness for me. I had hoped that when I had a baby it would be born into a happy, loving relationship; that we would be a family. Now it was becoming clear to me that there were problems with my relationship that could not be fixed, and I was bringing a child into a very difficult situation. I felt powerless to do anything about it, though. I was sad and tired and beaten down by it all. After the scan he handed me a wad of cash before getting a lift back to town from his ex, who had waited for him in the car park. Thankfully, I had brought my sister with me, so I wasn't alone for the experience. I was dismayed that he had chosen his ex, of all people, to give him a lift; especially when my sister had offered him a lift with us, and the buses run every ten minutes. Looking back, it was clearly a decision taken purposefully to put me in my place - something that became a theme of our "relationship" after that point. It is very telling of my mental state that, although I was cross about him bringing his ex to the scan, I only managed to be angry for about 2 days before just giving in and playing nice. Things were easier if I didn't rock the boat.

Not long after the scan, I went and stayed in Oxfordshire with friends for Christmas. It was an almost stress-free, peaceful Christmas, like being on holiday from my life. I felt like I'd run away to hide from it all, and was petrified of returning to my life and the myriad problems I felt ill-equipped to deal with. While I was away, the ex was texting me and being perfectly nice and reasonable, kept telling me he wished I was there, that Christmas wasn't the same without me. I found out afterwards that their Christmas consisted of going to his mother-in-law's house, where the adults got very drunk very early, and didn't cook a Christmas dinner, while the children presumably did their best to stay out of the way. This was my fault, obviously. If I'd been there we would have had a perfect family Christmas. The fact I went away for Christmas, took his unborn baby away from him for Christmas, was something I was still being chastised for in April.

As it was, my Christmas last year was surreal. Whenever I visit my friends in Oxfordshire, I feel like I've been teleported to a different planet where the usual problems don't matter. One night there, and all of a sudden my shoulders go back down to shoulder level rather than being bunched up about my ears. To be there over Christmas was a dream. Everything was so laid back; we watched movies with our feet up on the reclining sofa whilst eating party food, visited family, went to the cinema on Boxing Day. Christmas dinner was something everyone played a part in preparing, in between watching the Grinch and listening to carols. I almost forgot what a mess my life was in, and what I would be returning to the day after Boxing Day.

Now, looking back at that time, it feels like I'm talking about someone else. It all seems so strange, to have been in such an awful position, to have been so scared and felt so alone and confused. I felt like that a lot during my pregnancy and the first few months of S's life; it was a very trying time for me.

This Christmas though, my life could not be more different. S and I were invited to Oxfordshire again for Christmas, and I was very tempted to accept the invitation; except I don't think my mother would ever have spoken to me again! Instead, S and I are entertaining my mother and sister A for Christmas dinner. I have all the things I didn't have this time last year. I have the world's most beautiful, amazing daughter (biased? Me?) who will have no understanding of what Christmas is, but will no doubt enjoy unwrapping presents and being spoilt rotten by friends and family alike. I have an awesome, supportive boyfriend who will happily allow S to spend an hour clawing at his face if it'll make her happy. I have a home that, thanks to my fantastic brother (whose praises I will never stop singing), is now the sort of place I want to invite people to visit. We're having people over to visit throughout the festive period, and although that means I'll need to actually tidy up at some point, I'm really looking forward to it. I have the most wonderful, supportive friends around me who have proved their worth time and time again.

S&I last week

If you'd told me last Christmas, "don't worry, next Christmas will be a lot better." I would not have believed you. Stuck in the middle of it all, I could see no way out and felt thoroughly miserable about it all. I had nowhere to live, a turbulent relationship with the father of my unborn child, little support, no money. I spent most of my time around the festive period alone in my room in a shared house, drinking soup and wondering what the hell I was going to do. Now there is rarely a day I don't see someone I love and am happy to have around. My evenings are spent with HYM or wondering how the hell I'm going to wrap all these presents before Christmas morning (or how the hell I'm going to get S to actually go to sleep). I still have no money, but who needs money when you have what I have. Money can't buy this.

And now I've made you all gag at the sick-inducing schmaltz of it all, I'm off to cuddle my little girl and my handsome young man. Merry Christmas!

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Revelations in Romance

I've tried several times to write an entry about the Handsome Young Man... but I never seem to get anywhere with it.

I was with the ex for just about a year, which is not so long in the grand scheme of things. But for that year, he had almost total control over every single, tiny little aspect of my life. His control was so total that it seemed to wipe out everything that came before it. I couldn't remember a time when things were not this way, a time when I had not been treated like this or degraded in this way. After he left, and I started to find my feet as a mother, I slowly managed to drag myself out from under all of that. Every now and then I would have a mini revelation: "oh, that was probably a lie... oh, it's not unreasonable to want that... oh, everyone else doesn't think in that way."

And then I met HYM and it was a massive culture shock. I resisted seeing him at first, because I didn't want to be controlled and hurt again, and I thought that was what relationships were like. I'd forgotten about the other relationships I'd had before. But I decided to just go for one coffee, and see what happened. He appears to have well and truly won me over!

I had thought I was over the situation I'd been in, and that it was all behind me, no remnants left behind. And now all of a sudden there's this man in my life who is the exact polar opposite of the ex in every way. Every time I see or speak to him, he unwittingly says or does something that highlights just how different he is, and just how skewed my view of the world was, without my even realising it. I keep expecting him to behave or react in the way I was used to, and when he doesn't kick off or tell me off or make me feel inferior or stupid or dirty or wrong, it confuses the hell out of me. I have no frame of reference for a man who tells me I am beautiful and amazing and is clearly just happy to be spending time with me, even if that time is spent with me trying to rock S to sleep for an hour. He asks what I'm up to because he's interested, not because he's checking up on me. When we spend an evening apart it's because we're both doing other things, and neither of us assumes the other is sleeping with someone else. He has never once told me what to do with regard to S, something everyone else seems only too happy to do.

I had never realised a kiss could be used as something to assert authority over another person, or that something as simple as holding hands could be used to denote ownership and control - until I experienced the flip side of them. As a general rule, it's never a good idea to compare current partners with previous ones, but I find myself doing it all the time, with this weird mind-blown expression on my face, thinking "oh right, so this is what it's supposed to be like." It's like he lives in this weird, alien world where I'm beautiful and he's lucky to be with me. Like an extended version of the Twilight Zone.

Sometimes, while I was with the ex, I would have these fleeting moments of clarity, where I would be internally screaming at myself: What are you doing? Why are you fighting so hard to stay with someone who marks your body and degrades you and makes you feel so worthless and miserable and unappreciated? I did know it was wrong, but I felt powerless to stop it. I had been convinced that was just what relationships were like, and that I was the person who was in the wrong: clearly I held people up to an impossibly high standard, I expected the unachievable in a relationship and of a man. What he was doing was normal, and I was abnormal for being at all unwilling to co-operate. I was poisonous, it was all me. I accepted that perhaps I just wanted too much out of a relationship, and I wasn't able to deal with all the effort and compromise that comes with it. I decided I would just be alone and concentrate on looking after my daughter.

Having met HYM, it's like the final nail in the coffin of the control the ex had. Now I've seen how HYM treats me, how he makes me feel like the most amazing, beautiful and important person in the world, I realise just how much I had been broken by my previous experience, just how much of it I was accepting when I should have been walking away from what was a nasty situation. I have always had issues with confidence, even before the ex. He just made them that much worse, made me that much more insecure and dependent upon him to feel like I was just about acceptable as a person. Nobody else would ever want me because, after all, the ex was doing me a favour by sticking around someone as difficult and unpleasant as me. Even on the day I went into labour with his child, I was manipulating him and being deliberately difficult, not to mention downright inconvenient, it being Easter Sunday and all.

After an experience like that, and then having been hugely pregnant and given birth, I had no confidence physically or emotionally when it came to a new relationship. Suddenly there was this man at my door wanting to take me out, and clearly very proud and happy to be with me. He seems to think I'm beautiful. I feel like Pauline Collins in Shirley Valentine: "He kissed my stretch marks!"

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A Date? That's Fruit You Eat Stuffed at Christmas, Right?

Someone asked me on a date this week. My reaction surprised me: although I like the person, and had been thinking lately that it would be nice to have some romantic attention, I was petrified. I literally froze; I had no idea what to say.

This person seems lovely; I could never imagine him being at all unpleasant, from what little I know of him… but then, it took a while for me to believe that of the ex as well! We have some friends in common; I thought perhaps I could ask for their opinion on him… but then I remembered that all of the ex’s friends think he is fabulous. My experience with S’s father has taught me not just that my judgement on these matters is not to be trusted, but that the judgement of others is not so fantastic either. The very nature of the problems in our relationship was that he was such a charmer, and nobody around him would ever have believed the truth of him; many still don’t.

I have historically poor taste, not just in men but in situations and relationships. I am generally quite reckless, running headlong into situations I know are probably not ideal, but hell, just go with it and see what happens… What happens is that people usually end up getting hurt, and not speaking to each other, and maybe even hating each other, and it’s messy. Whilst being ill-advised, it was fine when it was just me. I could walk into situations I knew deep down were a bad idea, and when the inevitable carnage happened, it was just me who had to deal with it. The minute I had S, that stopped. It was like a switch was flipped in my head, and I suddenly started thinking, “no, this is not an ok situation; you can’t do this to us.”

It’s taken me several months, and a lot of hard work, to slowly and painfully extricate myself from the situation I was in and to feel strong enough to be doing this on my own. The idea of spending time with a man had not even crossed my mind, and I would balk at the idea whenever friends told me “you’ll meet someone nice and forget all about this.” In some ways it is still a daily struggle not to allow myself to be dragged back into the mucky nastiness I was embroiled in for so long; I still count my days like an addict. I still miss the children I left behind terribly, and am reminded of them constantly, by the slightest little thing. But I’m not afraid any more; I don’t care what is said about me, and I do feel a lot stronger than I was.

A couple of people have shown what could probably be classed as “an interest” in the last few months, but I couldn’t even entertain the idea. This time, I entertained the idea, and then decided I couldn’t possibly leave S to go out on a date. We kept chatting though, and agreed to meet for coffee one afternoon instead. I am petrified. I don’t trust myself to know… anything! The problem is that before, I did know deep down that there was a problem; that I shouldn’t be in this relationship; but it was very deep down, and I just pushed it down further because I didn't want to deal with the situation. I’m scared that I will do the same thing again.  But then, as a friend commented on Facebook, am I just not going to date again until S leaves home? I suppose I have to just listen out for that little voice in my head a bit more, and pay attention when it speaks.

Let me be clear here: I am in no way expecting that this person is some sort of monster, or anything like my ex. So far he seems to be the polar opposite in every way. I am just worried and paranoid and extremely wary of putting myself in a vulnerable position again.

A mutual friend told him off for asking me out, because she knows some of what went on with the ex. She is a good judge of character, and I trust that she would tell me to steer clear if she thought there was any chance of anything untoward. As it was, she sent me a text saying to go careful with him, because he’s had a rough time of it lately too. In the end, I spoke to him. He’d already been told some things about the trouble I’d had; months ago our friend told him: If you ever see anyone banging on that door, you go up and see what’s going on. I explained the situation I am in, and that if we ended up seeing each other I would most probably end up making use of the Clare's Law pilot that's currently running in my area. His response was that yes, I absolutely should call; he had nothing to hide. He also told me that I should feel free to ask our mutual friend anything I wanted to about him. 

And so, I suppose we just wait and see what happens on the date, and afterwards...

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Thanksgiving

Welcome to the November 2012 Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival: Gratitude and Traditions This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival hosted by Authentic Parenting and Living Peacefully with Children. This month our participants have written about gratitude and traditions by sharing what they are grateful for, how they share gratitude with their children, or about traditions they have with their families. The Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival will be taking a break in December, but we hope you will join us for the great line up of themes we have for 2013! ***  
It’s Thanksgiving season in the States. I’m not American, but I am thankful.
My life over the last year seems to have been an exercise in the Nietzsche quote, “that which does not kill me makes me stronger.” I was pregnant with nowhere to live, coming off anti-depressant medication with an on-off partner causing me untold stress. Then I was moving house at 33 weeks pregnant with no basic necessities like flooring, saucepans or a cooker. Then I was in labour 5 weeks early. Then I was in hospital for 2 weeks with a jaundiced, premature baby under the care of NICU. Then I came home to a flat whose roof had leaked so badly the bedroom wall was drenched. Then I was unceremoniously dumped via text message and became the single mother of a tiny baby. Then I was dealing with accusations and abuse from S’s father as well as finding out some particularly unpleasant things I wish I’d known sooner.
Would I rather things were different? I’m not so sure. Yes, I would like to have a partner. I would like S to have a father in her life. I would definitely prefer to be able to look back on my pregnancy and the birth of my beautiful daughter with more happiness. But on the other hand, all of those things, all the pain and the tears and the fear and negativity, have brought me to where I am now. It hasn’t killed me, and it has definitely made me stronger.
When you split up with someone who has had a somewhat detrimental effect on your life and wellbeing, one would generally be heard to utter such phrases as “I wish I’d never met him.” I can’t say that; I can’t regret meeting S’s father because that would mean I wouldn’t have her. And despite all the trouble we’ve had, I have never once regretted having her, even for a second.
The famous serenity prayer used in 12-step meetings the world over asks, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” I cannot change this situation. I have spent much of the last year trying to change the unchangeable, blindly banging my head against a brick wall that has not moved an inch. So now, I have to accept the situation, and be grateful for what has led me to be in this position.
Being pregnant and having nowhere to live has made me so grateful for having somewhere to live now, and being housed before S was born – it turned out to be a fairly close call! The fact the house was completely unfurnished, whilst being a bit inconvenient, meant I was able to choose everything and make it mine and S’s in its entirety. I will be eternally grateful to my friends S and B who drove down here from Oxfordshire while I was still in hospital to decorate S’s room, assemble furniture, and unpack boxes so that when we did come home, it looked more like “home” and less like something from a shocking exposé documentary. The fact we had so little provided an opportunity for my friends to show their staggering and incredible worth. A friend from a church I’ve not attended for fifteen years arranged for one of his fellow churchgoers to come and paint over the damp left by the leaks. Numerous friends and family members gave me kitchen equipment, baby clothes, furniture, toys, books. My brother has proved himself worth his weight in gold by laying floors throughout the house, and by acquiring me a washing machine and fridge-freezer. My sister’s boyfriend has come round and put things up for me. My sister Z has played taxi for me more times than I care to remember, picking up shopping and furniture orders to save me money on delivery charges. She also helped me to choose paint when I was given a compensatory decorating voucher by the council, and did some painting too.
The fact S was born 5 weeks early was very scary for me, both because I felt entirely unprepared for it, and because of the risks associated with a premature birth. We are both so lucky that she was born healthy and relatively large, and although we were in hospital for 2 weeks, only two days of that was spent in NICU, and a lot of parents and babies are in a much worse situation. As one of the nurses said to me at the time, it seems terrible being hospital for 2 weeks now, but it’s just 2 weeks at the start of the years you have to come. I am thankful that she is happy and healthy, and at 7 months old, you wouldn’t know how tiny and delicate she was when she was first born
The situation with S’s father is more complicated and unpleasant, but ultimately I am thankful that things ended when they did, before anything bad could happen, before S was old enough to understand anyone had disappeared from her life. Things are far from ideal, but they are definitely the best they can be, under the current circumstances. I am grateful for all the help and support I have received from so many different people and places in the last few months. People I would not have expected anything from have turned up here with a friendly face, a shoulder to cry on, encouraging words, food and smiles. They made me finally realise that I don’t need that in my life, that I can do this on my own and do it better than as a part of that particular couple.
It really is true: that which does not kill me really does make me stronger. I’ve had simultaneously the worst and best year of my life, and now I know that I am capable of so much more than I ever imagined. If I were American, I would be spending my Thanksgiving remembering all the reasons I am so very lucky.
*** Visit Living Peacefully with Children and Authentic Parenting to find out how you can participate in next year's Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival!   Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants: (This list will be live and updated by afternoon November 30 with all the carnival links.)

• Counting My Blessings — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama expresses the importance of reflecting daily on all of her blessings, a ritual she shares with her daughter. Jennifer also shares a few things that she is most grateful for. .
• Thanksgiving — It really is true that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Vicky at Single Mother Ahoy had no choice but to be thankful for all the things that had a good go at finishing her off this year!
• My little gratitude list — Stone Age Parent provides a summary list of all that she is grateful for in her life, including her son, her family, her home, her friends and her country.
• Baking Bread and Nurturing Wonder— Amy W. at Me, Mothering, and Making it All Work shares her way of keeping family traditions alive and nurturing a sense of wonder and thankfulness for food through preparing homemade bread during the Holidays.
• Going Inside for the Winter Holidays — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children reflects that going inside, both physically and figuratively, allows her family to enjoy the winter season in peace and reflection with plenty of time for appreciation of the most important people in her life.
• Traditions — Sustainable Mum discusses the difficulty of establishing traditions that were important in her own childhood for her own children.
• Giving thanks for parenthood — Can we truly give thanks for both the darkness and the light on our parenting journey? Shonnie from Heart-Led Parenting shares her perspective on how gratitude for all that life offers is possible and essential.
• A Tree for the Birds— Alisha at Cinnamon and Sassafras shares her family's new tradition of skipping a traditional Christmas tree in favor of one in the yard.
• Cultivating Gratitude In Children — Lindy at Poppy Soap Co. shares her unique plan for helping her son understand just how blessed they are as a family.
• Are You Truly Grateful — Laura at Authentic Parenting ponders about the ramifications of gratitude as a characteristic.
• Maintaining Traditions Through Family Changes — Jenn from Monkey Butt Junction talks about how changes in her family have led to changing traditions.

Counting my Blessings

As my recent blog posts may have hinted, I’m having a pretty rough time at the moment. Whenever I am awake in the wee small hours, I often find myself getting pretty angry that I’m doing this on my own. This is not what I signed up for. When I got pregnant I was in a relationship. When I gave birth I was in a relationship. I assumed that when my baby was 6 months old and having trouble sleeping, I would still be in that relationship, and would therefore have a bit of help and support in dealing with extreme stress and sleep deprivation. I also assumed that my family would be there to rally round, that I would have a whole hoard of people I could call upon to come and lighten the load, either by helping with housework, or looking after S while I had a break. The reality is that I assumed wrong. And when I’m so tired and so  fed up I can barely see, and I’m walking into door frames and pleading my child to please just go to sleep, I find myself pretty cross about that. Where are all these people who are supposed to rally around a new mum? Aren’t they supposed to be helping me? I’m not meant to feel this alone and isolated.

It’s times like this that I think I just need to take a step backwards and look at the facts, reminding myself why I prefer my current position to any possible alternatives. Count my blessings, as it were.

• I may be the only person having to deal with S’s grumpy moods, but I’m also the only one who gets her regular cuddles, smiles and giggles. All her love is just for me and I don’t have to share.
• As pointed out by numerous friends on numerous occasions, I’m actually doing pretty bloody well on my own. The whole “look how far you’ve come” argument really is valid, as evidenced by the “diary entries from early motherhood” posts I’ve put up lately.
• I know from bitter experience that sadly we really are better off without S’s father – and that even when he was here, he didn’t help out with anything I would find useful at 3am. He bought us a cooker and then he buggered off, and it was the best thing for all concerned.
• Most of my family might not be banging down the door to offer their help, but lots of other people are. My Home Start lady is truly amazing, and I have some of the best friends a girl could wish for, who I know will help if I ask.
• Despite the current blip, and even for fleeting moments during the blip, S is a happy, healthy baby. I’d rather have this situation than one where she is less happy, less healthy, or perhaps in an unsafe situation.
• I might be tired, but other mothers are dealing with much worse, more worrying and stressful situations than just a baby who is not sleeping well.
• From what I’ve been told/reading lately, all babies go through an unsettled stage at 6 months. And at the moment a lot of babies are not sleeping well. There are a lot of sleep-deprived mamas on my Facebook; I’m not alone in this!
• Despite having a hard time, I have not compromised my beliefs with regard to how I want to care for S. I have resisted the urge to dump her in the cot and run away! She has a slightly more frazzled, grumpy mummy, but she still has a mummy who gives her lots of cuddles and kisses.
• As per yesterday’s post, this is a lesson in patience and acceptance. I’m doing my best to learn to just sit with it, take a deep breath and do what needs to be done – a life lesson that will no doubt come in very useful a few more times before S is old enough to fend for herself!
• I’m knackered and fed up, but at least I’m not sleep deprived and having to get up and go to work in the mornings! If S keeps me up all night, I can always share her nap later in the day, or go to bed earlier the next night.
• Because I’m alone in this, I don’t have to make an effort to maintain other relationships while I’m this tired and fed up. I would imagine couples going through this end up having an awful lot of arguments about nothing even vaguely important, because their fuse is too short to do otherwise! If I feel crappy I can cancel my plans with friends or family, and therefore avoid sniping at them over nothing.
• There is nothing in this world more awesome right now, than the look on S’s face when she’s pulled a blanket over her face to play Peekaboo with me. And it’s just for me.

There are a million other blessings I could, and probably should, count, but I’m too tired to think of them. It helps to think of the positives though, and remind myself that right now I’m in exactly the right place, doing the right thing, with the right people around me. Everything happens for a reason, and I’m learning a lot from this experience. You learn a lot more, a lot more quickly, from uncomfortable situations.

I’m trying to keep telling myself this.

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More on How to Spot Domestic Abuse

Following on from this post, I decided to write more about the signs of domestic abuse. First though, a note about semantics. To make things easier to follow, I’ve used the concept of a heterosexual couple where the male is the abuser, but it is important to remember that abusers can often be female, and same-sex couples are not immune to this either. It’s just easier to write and to follow if I stick to the male/female scenario. 

Quite often a woman can be in an abusive relationship and not necessarily realise it. She may think her partner is a bit moody sometimes, but “that’s just men,” or he may have completely convinced her that every problem in their relationship is her fault, and she’s the one with the problems. 

A list like this can prove useful in helping a woman to understand that what she has been experiencing is abuse, even if there has been no physical violence. Obviously, at some point in a relationship you will hear your partner say these things, but it's when they're being said on a daily basis, or with a menacing tone, that there's a problem.

Phrases you might hear in an abusive relationship:

“You’re asking for trouble”

“You’re obviously shagging someone else”

“I work my arse off to put food on the table and all you do is sit on your fat arse all day and eat my food with those slag friends of yours.”

“You’re really winding me up today”

“You know I hate that”

“You know I’m suffering from stress at the moment, you’re doing this deliberately.”

“You know I need sex regularly, I have a big libido.”

“What sort of a wife/girlfriend are you!”

“How dare you make me feel like this! Who do you think you are?”

Unbelievable as it may seem, many women will believe violence against them may have been their own fault – or perhaps the blame was 50/50 and therefore she has no right to claim abuse. An abuser who is experienced can make his victim believe he has done nothing wrong. Similarly, he can be very skilled at convincing friends, family, even the police, that no abuse has occurred.

Excuses an abuser will use for violence:

“I had to restrain her; she was hysterical. I thought she was going to hurt herself/me/the children.”

“She fell and hurt herself.”

“She just bruises easily.”

“I was defending myself; I am the victim here.”

“Where did those bruises come from? Who did that to her? I wasn't even here!”

“I was drunk; I don’t remember a thing. I always have a bad reaction when I drink spirits.”

“I suffer from this medical condition which makes me lash out in my sleep. I don’t know I’m doing it.”

“She made me so angry! She nagged at me until I just lost it.”

“She is mentally ill and it is so difficult to live with her. I just lashed out from sheer frustration.”

“She is such a bad mother; the children are suffering because of her; I just lost my temper because of it.”

“She is the violent one; I am the victim. I need some help. She attacked me and smashed the house up.”

“She’s a slag. She made me do it because she was having an affair.”

“I only did it because I love her. “

“She deserved it; she had it coming.”

“This situation is so difficult for me, I’m suffering with anxiety.”

“I had a terrible childhood/I suffer from Gulf War Syndrome/I am insecure/I have low self esteem/my mother abandoned me/my ex-wife was such a bitch and slag that I find it impossible to trust other women.”

“I am autistic/I suffer from ADHD/I have Tourette’s/I have a personality disorder/I have learning difficulties.”

“I have been working too hard/I’m unemployed”

Abusers will often project their own behaviours/thoughts onto their partners. For example, he may start an argument with you, and later on refer to the massive row that you deliberately started. Or he will tell you you’re unreasonable, unsociable, you’re passive aggressive, you need to get help for your anger issues, and so on – and you’ll be thinking, hang on, I was about to say that about you! 

It is also quite common that an abuser will fire insults, questions and accusations at you non-stop for as long as it takes you to snap and lash out in frustration, and then use this as more evidence that you are unstable and abusive. They are often very skilled at this, and can make you believe you are indeed the one in the wrong; you have been a complete nightmare to live with, and he is so patient and kind to still be with you. What a saint, to put up with you and your difficult ways. 

Every now and then you may think, wait, I’m sure it’s not unreasonable to ask you to do this, or perhaps you’re the one that wanted to go out and he said it would be better for you both to stay in. Or perhaps when you look up the definition of passive aggression it’s like reading a description of the abuser in your life. But by that point he has put that seed of doubt into your head, and you’re not sure if you’re right or not; not sure if you’re going mad. The lines will blur to the point you are not sure what is going on. I have heard stories of abusers tampering with their victim’s medication, so that they are either taking too much or not enough, and as a result do not know what is going on. Then they say, See? Look at the state of her; she’s driving me round the bend…

To finish, here is a link to the National Domestic Violence Helpline. There are instructions on the website as to how to hide the fact you've visited it. Their 24 hour helpline number is 0808 2000 247.

As a post script, I urge you to please read this post on domestic abuse, which explains domestic abuse so much more eloquently than I could ever hope to.

Domestic Abuse - No Longer Just Physical.

The government has announced it intends to widen the legal definition of domestic abuse so that it covers mental/emotional abuse, and under-18s for the first time.

This is really good news. Previously there was not a lot that could be done if you didn’t have a physical injury; and even then there wasn’t much to be done, hence the fact Britain’s refuges are bursting at the seams. This is only the start though, and without going out and educating women and making facilities more readily available, I sincerely doubt it will do much to curb domestic abuse. 

Until you teach a woman that she doesn’t deserve it, she didn’t cause this behaviour, it’s not normal, everyone else doesn’t have to deal with this, and it’s not just the way men are, she will not stand up and say, Enough.*

According to Home Office figures (in 2007), 112 women in Britain are killed by a male partner or former partner each year. That's more than one every 3 days. A lady called Pat Craven set up the Freedom Programme to help female victims of domestic abuse, both physical and emotional. It is an invaluable course that helps to show women that the behaviours they have been tolerating and thinking of as normal behaviour they just have to deal with, are wrong and unacceptable.  It also helps women to identify potentially abusive behaviour in any future mates – as we tend to repeat the same patterns in relationships, many women can end up in a string of abusive relationships, reliving the same nightmare. Women often arrive to their first session of this sort of counselling thinking, I’m in the wrong place, he never hit me, I was just over-sensitive. They tend to change their opinions fairly quickly. 

One in five young men, and one in ten young women think that abuse or violence is acceptable. That is a truly horrifying figure, and something we need to change. In the interest of “doing my bit,” here is a list of behaviours used by abusers to try and control women:

• Glaring, sulking, grinding or gritting teeth, a menacing smile

• Invades your personal space in order to intimidate

• Fires questions at you without giving you time to respond

• Moves to hit you but stops just before making contact

• Emotionally abusive, calling you names or saying things to make you feel fat or ugly

• Messes with your head, making you think you've lost things when he's moved them, contradicting you on things you know you've said or done differently (this is one of the worst, and so difficult to prove because you genuinely believe you must be going mad)

• Unfaithful (often blaming it on your behaviour that has driven him to it)

• Puts you down in front of others, often in the form of a joke ("it was only a joke, what's your problem!")

• May isolate you and sulk when you have visitors to the house

• Charms your family and friends so they can't see why you have a problem with him

• Makes the abuse seem less by playing it down or outright lying about it

• Either denies abuse or blames you for it ("you drove me to it!")

• A million and one excuses as to why he has behaved this way - drink, drugs, work, unemployment, stress, low self-esteem, insecurity, my dog ate it.

• If there are children an abuser will often use them against you, getting them to join him in arguing against you or telling them lies about you#

• Tells you you're a bad mother, often telling others too. In many cases abusers will take this to the extreme, with children eventually being removed from the house because of what has been alleged

• Denies he is the father of your child

• Controls all the money

• Makes all the major decisions in the household

• Either refuses sex or demands it as and when he wants it (regardless of how you feel)

• Rape ("current partners" are responsible for 45% of all reported rapes. Approximately one-fifth of all rapes is actually reported)

• Attempts to keep you pregnant for long periods of time (one child quickly after another)

• Uses coercion or threats to keep you in your place

• May threaten suicide or cry to get you to come back if you leave

• May threaten to hurt pets or children to get you to do as he wants.

Of course, most people will exhibit some of these behaviours at one time or another; but if you are in a situation where your partner is doing several of these things on a regular basis, you may want to consider whether you are  in fact in an abusive situation. On average a woman will be abused 35 times before she will actually seek help.

Many abusers don't believe their behaviour is abuse if they don't actually hit you; they see it as normal behaviour, and may well tell you that you're just being over-sensitive or picky. (People outside the relationship may well say the same.) Even if they do hit you, they can usually excuse themselves because you provoked them, or it was just a tap, you moved in the wrong direction and they didn't intend to actually hit you.

When a woman falls pregnant and books in with a midwife, she is given a pack with various leaflets about things relating to pregnancy and childbirth. These days they also include a tiny, wallet-sized card depicting "Mr Right" on one side, and "Mr Wrong" on the other. Mr Right lists characteristics such as "Cheerful, consistent, shares financial responsibility, encourages you to be independent." Mr Wrong's characteristics include "shouts, sulks, calls you names, never admits he is wrong, uses the children to control you, expects sex on demand." The cards are deliberately made small so that a woman can quickly hide them away from someone who may be enraged by seeing them. This can often be the first thing that makes a woman think perhaps her situation is less than ideal, and it's a good job - women are three times more likely to be injured while pregnant, and pregnancy is often when physical violence begins in a relationship. When a woman is pregnant she is more vulnerable and more dependent, so an abuser feels he is more likely to get away with it - and often they do.

This is all done through charity, government grants or lottery funding though. People who run the Freedom Programme and similar programmes have to fill in endless paperwork justifying their existence, and practically beg for funding each time they begin a new course. Meanwhile, women are trapped in abusive relationships, truly horrific circumstances, believing there is no way out, and this is just their lot in life. How many women will hear the law has changed and suddenly think, "oh yes, now I can leave?" I'm guessing not many. More needs to be done.  There is also a valid argument that if they took this sort of work into schools, and taught young women what they don't have to put up with before they are in the middle of it, they could prevent a lot of abuse from taking place.

If a child is growing up in a home where Daddy hits Mummy, they can be heard arguing all night, Mummy is called all sorts of names and so on, they will not expect life to be any different when they grow up - either becoming an abuser themselves, or ending up in a relationship where they are abused. Nearly three quarters of children live in households where domestic violence occurs. Next time you see a gang of unruly teenagers in the park, look at them and remember that figure. Three quarters of all children. Three out of every four. What are we doing to our children? We need to do more to stop the vicious cycle because it can only get worse, new legislation or not.

It is also worth noting here that while the government is expanding the definition of domestic abuse, they are also still planning to bring in Ian Duncan Smith's brainchild, Universal Credit. Under this scheme, the majority of benefit payments will be rolled into one monthly payment per household. This will mean that where previously an abused woman may have had benefits coming into her own bank account and a certain amount of freedom, the man of the house will now be back in control, holding the purse strings tightly and putting the women's lib movement back by about 50 years. How much easier is it to control a woman, when you know she doesn't even have the money for bus fare to get away from you?

This post is a little long and rambling; sorry about that. It's highly likely I will make another post about domestic abuse in the near future, as it's something I feel very strongly about these days.

*: yes, I know that abuse is also perpetrated against men. But the fact is that the majority of violence and abuse, whether against men or women, is perpetrated by men.