Our Week: 21st-26th January

Monday 21st January

As mentioned in this post, I've had a fairly rubbish week, brain wise. On Monday we did very little. I think taking the bin out was the highlight of my day. The council did come round and rip down some plasterboard from my bedroom ceiling though.

Tuesday 22nd January

Another day of feeling miserable and wallowing... until I started griping on Facebook that I'd run out of milk, and then a very dear friend came round with milk and smiles and we had a good old chat and I felt a lot better. She helped me to put a few things in perspective, and to make a few decisions.

Wednesday 23rd January

D had called on Tuesday afternoon to say she couldn't make our usual Wednesday morning, so we were on our own. Remember my friend C? He proved himself even more legendary when he spent the morning texting me, telling me I really should just go out of the house. This, coupled with similar texts from my friend B, meant that we did finally go out. We had a quick walk to town, bought some essentials and came home. Afternoon spent not doing much.

Thursday 24th January

Another day spent sitting in the house. We were meant to go to see our photographer friend to have our photo taken, but since S was up all night, finally settling around 6am, and slept until 8, we cancelled. S had 2 long naps; I tried to do OU work. A came round after college to drop a couple of things off, because she is a legend. S didn't settle to sleep again, so had her downstairs in her bouncy chair for the evening.

Friday 25th January

Went to see the GP in the morning for a bit of reassurance that S just has a cold and not some terrible snot-producing disease. Came home, played a bit, had a visit in the afternoon from a friend and her two children, which was nice for all of us.

Saturday 26th January

Walked to out of town Tesco with A in the morning, then came home and had a quick wander round town. Afternoon spent with D, who was unable to visit on Wednesday. Brief and supremely irritating visit in the evening from a drunk and frankly stupid HYM. Not impressed. Evening spent struggling with OU work. 

Our Week, 31 Dec - 5 January

Monday 31 December
Last day of the year. Celebrated by doing housework. A visit from a dear friend and her three children, and a brief, damp visit to town, and then more housework. Rock and roll.

Tuesday 01 January
Finally, a break in the weather! Celebrated by bundling S into the pushchair and going for a wander around town. Good to get some fresh air and do some thinking. Afternoon spent catching up with an old friend, who enjoyed playing musical instruments with S while we chatted. Brief visit from mother and a family friend, then bed time. Happy New Year.

Wednesday 02 January
Up early to go to a poorly-timed doctor appointment. HYM was supposed to come with me to entertain S while I saw the doctor, but he didn't manage it. Instead, I tried to bounce her on my lap and keep her away from the blood pressure monitor and various other things on the doctor's desk while we discussed various things. Home by 10:30, visit from D, afternoon spent preparing food and playing with noisy toys. There is a lot to be said for noisy toys when you have things in your head you need to be distracted from.

Thursday 03 January
OU tutorial in the morning, where it was confirmed I really need to get my arse in gear and, you know, actually study if I want to complete the module that finishes in two weeks. Then a quick trip to town to pick up bits and bobs, home for some lunch and a visit from a wonderful friend who always brightens our day.

Friday 04 January
Up early for a visit from a truly awesome friend that we really don't see often enough. Especially since he turned up with Costa and croissants, and had driven all the way from Oxford just to say hi for an hour. Friends like this make me wonder why I've ever bothered with all the losers I've put up with in my life! Afternoon visit from two sisters and some nieces, evening spent with youngest sis A and a Chinese.

Saturday 05 January
S up in the night poorly, but slept in late. This is good in that I got some sleep, but bad in that it put her whole schedule out. We do like our schedule. Morning spent cleaning and tidying. Afternoon spent with more of the same; evening spent with HYM.

Am I Really Brilliant?

I had a visit this week from a friend I don't see often. He lives about 70 miles away but drove down stupidly early this morning to have a coffee and a catch-up for an hour or so, before turning around and going back to start work. He even provided the coffee.

This is me on top of a mountain.

When I got sick and went a bit mad, C came to see me a few times. I also went and stayed with him a few times, and he made me climb a mountain with him. Well, we'd agreed to do it before but damn him, he held me to that agreement and although he didn't physically carry me to the top, he definitely carried me mentally. That day was the turning point for me; when I realised I was capable of climbing a mountain I realised perhaps I was capable of life after all, and perhaps things weren't so bad. Since that summer I've not seen him a great deal; we live too far apart, I don't drive, he has a busy life.

When S was born he came down to visit one day. I barely remember him being here, except that S was very small and slept through the entire visit, and I felt bad he'd come to see a baby who wasn't even aware he had been. That was the last time I saw him, until this morning, when he rocked up with coffee and croissants and the kind of bear hug that makes you wonder if perhaps he's trying to kill you. But in a good way. Everyone needs to be squeezed to within an inch of their lives every now and then!

Any way, the point of this post is something C said after he'd left. Because he's one of the few people who saw me at rock bottom, and saw how bad I was before the medication kicked in, he's always taken an interest in how my mental health is, especially now that I'm off the medication (14 months and counting!!). Every time I see him, he asks if I'm still off the meds, and how I'm doing, and tells me he's proud of me for doing such a great job. Sometimes it feels strange to be reminded I was ever on medication, to be reminded of the things he can remember about me - because it all just feels like it must have happened to someone else. Today he texted me saying that S and I both look happy and well, which means I'm doing a brilliant job. I told him that having a baby was the best thing that could have happened for my mental health, because I simply don't have time to sit and be depressed any more. His response was:

I can't believe it took a baby for you to realise how brilliant you are and that you can manage without drugs...

Just lately, there have been a few instances where I've done things I didn't think I could. I cooked Christmas dinner without killing anyone, and people seemed to enjoy it. Visitors over the festive period have commented on the good job I am apparently doing with S, which is always a good thing to hear. I never thought I was capable of keeping a house clean and tidy, or of cooking a proper meal, but I've been doing both of those for a while now. HYM helped a lot in this; the fact someone else ate my food and thought it was ok was a novelty to me, since nobody else had really sampled my cooking before. Also the way he behaved as if he was lucky to be with me was a major confidence boost at a time when I felt like I would probably just go ahead and stay single forever. This blog is a major confidence boost as well - the fact people actually read the bilge I come out with, and then comment on it as if my opinion is of any consequence, really makes me feel pretty good about myself - even when they disagree!

So perhaps I am brilliant. Perhaps I always was, like C said, and I just never knew it until S came along and showed me.

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Tidy House, Tidy Mind.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not the tidiest of people. When I had my last house, I brought a man back one night and he actually gasped; he thought someone had broken in. My general rule was that the washing up didn't need to be done until I'd run out of plates... and paper napkins. Tidying was what you did the day before your landlord came round for a house inspection.

Fast forward a couple of years, and I'm a mother to an almost-mobile baby who is also very inquisitive and a bit of a sneaky ninja... and all of a sudden, I'm cleaning everything, all the time. Ok, so that's a bit of an exaggeration, but I've suddenly become a bit thingie about things being clean and tidy.

When I was cooking Christmas dinner, I actually felt a little uptight about the fact the gravy had splattered over the stove, and had to get a cloth and wipe up around the pan. As soon as we'd finished eating, I was in the kitchen wanting to clear everything up and get the washing up done. Within an hour, the kitchen was clean, and the hob was sparkling. I have no idea what has happened to me.

I get a weird sense of satisfaction from having S's toys all put back in place on her play mats once she's gone to bed, from folding the high chair away and sweeping up the crumbs from beneath it, from having a shiny white hob and clear kitchen sides.  Since my living room floor was laid, I've been very particular about making sure the living room is clean and tidy, and the rest of the house looks good. 

I've always seen clutter-clearing and general cleaning as linked to what is going on in my head. I tend to clean and tidy when I'm re-ordering my thoughts, and throw things out when I'm mentally discarding things I want to let go of. I'm a great believer that a person's living space reflects their mental state: at the old house, when it was so messy and untidy you could barely see the floor in my living room, that was right before I had a nervous breakdown and nearly killed myself.

Since moving in here, the place has been fairly messy for large chunks of time, and I wasn't always particularly bothered by it. I guess you could say I had bigger fish to fry, finding my feet as a single mother. For the last couple of months though, and more noticeably since I met HYM, I'm quite particular about the place being clean and tidy. I'm not some sort of weirdo who has to put everything away just-so with no trace of life in the house, but I like for everything to have its place. I'm slowly making my way around the house, moving furniture, putting pictures up, throwing out things I don't use, making the place easier to keep clean. I think at the same time, I'm letting go of a lot of the junk I've been storing in my head, and moving on with my life. Slowly but surely, both my house and my mind are starting to become more organised and less cluttered with junk and rubbish. Everything has its place and can be put back where it belongs when it's finished with. And everything can be clean, and look clean and tidy when I'm finished.

Perhaps, at the ripe old age of thirty-one, I'm finally dealing with my issues too. Slowly, but surely.

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How to Make a Relationship Really Hard Work

I am bad at relationships. I would say around 90% of my past relationships have ended after three months, with the man putting his head in his hands and admitting defeat. The rest of them probably should have ended after three months but didn't, and we ended up hating each other.

Having a relationship with HYM is difficult for so many reasons. For one, I have S, which means our time together is often interrupted by feeding, cooing, playing, and watching CBeebies, none of which is particularly romantic. Then there's the fact my last relationship messed with my head so much I wasn't entirely sure which way was up any more by the time it was over. And then there's the fact I'm just not good at this sort of thing. And because I know I'm crap at it, I still don't know how much of the last fiasco was my own fault. I mean, obviously the fact the ex was (is) a violent sociopath with great aptitude for making me believe everything was my fault was not my responsibility, but the fact I stuck around so long, and kept going back when I knew it was a bad idea, that is my fault. And I don't know how many of the times he told me I was messing him around, playing games, being an unreasonable bitch, were actually me being those things, and how many were him just messing with my head a bit more. Because I have form for being an unreasonable bitch.

Poor old HYM has to contend with all of this, as well as my extreme tiredness and crankiness caused by S having a cold and not sleeping too well lately.

The main problem is that when I am pissed off with him over something, I can't tell if it's something I should legitimately be annoyed about, or if I'm just being a bit over-sensitive and, well, stupid. This generally means that on one day I might go mental at him for being late or for not doing something he said he would do, and then the following day it's all fine and I take a deep breath and carry on. 

On the other hand, though, having a relationship with him is easy. I would rather be going through this whole "finding my feet in an odd situation" thing with him than with anyone else. I am good friends with a lot of my ex partners now, and don't wish to offend any of them, but I really don't feel that anyone I've been with previously could have put up with me and all the baggage that I'm currently carting around with me.

With the big things, like being violent or possessive or controlling, it's plain to see what happened, who was responsible, and that HYM couldn't do any of that even if he tried really hard. But with the smaller things, like when he does something that annoys me: is that because I'm unreasonable; or because I'm over-sensitive to that particular thing because of the way it was with the ex; or is he indeed in the wrong? The ex was a big one for passive-aggressive behaviour and was so good at using it, I am still now looking back at incidents and thinking "oh wait, yeah, that was probably him controlling the situation..." Stupid things like being late, forgetting to make phone calls or not getting around to doing something, take on a whole new meaning when they've been used to keep you in your place in the past. So I tend to react pretty badly if HYM doesn't do exactly what he's said he will do. Even if he said it when he was half asleep at 3 in the morning. This means I can't tell if the problems we have are just me being a bit thingy, or if they are a sign that this will not work out. Literally every time I see him, he says or does something that highlights the myriad differences between him and the ex. I know that S and I are safe with him both emotionally and physically. But I also worry that I will end up sabotaging this relationship before it's even properly begun. He's bound to get sick of walking on egg shells, and it's bound to happen sooner rather than later.

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Our Week 24-29 December

Monday 24 December
Up horrendously early and into town for some last minute shopping before the marauding hoards came out to play. Home for lunch, and then back out to the pub to meet with some lovely friends. Briefly joined by HYM, then home for another couple of visitors. Evening spent preparing Christmas dinner.

Tuesday 25 December
Up horrendously early again, this time trying to persuade S to open presents. She was more interested in the paper though. Morning spent with HYM and my sister A. Hilarious moments trying to figure out what the hell to do with the turkey. HYM left, mother arrived, S opened a couple of presents. I produced an outstanding Christmas dinner that relied heavily on bacon. Nobody died. S opened a couple more presents. In the evening my sister Z and her boyfriend L joined us, and HYM came back. Then everyone but HYM left, and we had a nice evening snuggling on the sofa.

Wednesday 26 December
Up a little later but not so's you'd notice. Morning spent cleaning up the house while S played with more presents she hadn't yet unwrapped. In the afternoon we went to meet HYM's family at their house. Daunting, but they are lovely. Evening spent watching bad TV with my sister A, who stayed over on the sofa.

Thursday 27 December
Having spent most of the last few days cooped up in the house, we had to get out. And I needed to get my watch fixed, since it stopped working on Christmas eve. Spent the morning in town with A, then came home and had lunch. Spent the afternoon with my sister Z and her boyfriend L, visiting my brother L and his family. S was poorly though, so we didn't stay as long as we would have liked.

Friday 28 December
Morning spent wandering around town as I tried desperately to figure out what I'd come out of the house for. Visit from the older sister S and her husband and step-daughter in the afternoon, as well as A. Evening spent with HYM, curled up on the sofa watching a movie. Heaven.

Saturday 29 December
Horrible weather meant a distinct lack of motivation to leave the house. Most of the day spent cleaning and tidying; I find that recently my tolerance for mess and clutter has lowered considerably. Tree and decorations put away, everywhere vacuumed, big sigh. HYM came round for a couple of hours, then buggered off again.

Our Week 17-22 Dec

Monday 17 Dec
Up and ready relatively early for our toddler group Christmas party; put S in the sling as there are usually so many pushchairs there it's a nightmare to get in and out... plan backfired when she was monumentally sick all over both of us on the way there. Skipped the party, did a quick dash to a couple of shops and took my poorly baby home. Poorly baby then proceeded to spend the afternoon shouting at her toys and watching Tweenies without a care in the world. Visit from sister (A) in the afternoon who entertained S while I made S a Christmas stocking, which I shall be proud of for the rest of my life!

Tuesday 18 Dec
Up early due to a distinct inability to sleep; get it every Christmas. Baked 2 trays of brownies before 10am, then a visit from the health visitor, lunch, brief shopping trip with A, half an hour at toddler group and an ill-timed blood donation appointment. Impressed with myself I didn't pass out this time. Score. Got a sticker too, which is a bonus.

Wednesday 19 Dec
Horribly unsettled night and non-existent morning nap made for a stressed mummy today! Visit from D in the morning, followed by visit from Z and A, copious amounts of vomit on a library book, and an evening spent doing anything but settling. Meanwhile I struggled to finish an OU assignment, and wondered how the hell I'm going to get through the rest of the course if my child never sleeps again.

Thursday 20 Dec
Woke up feeling a lot like death but had lots to do. Braved near-torrential rain to go shopping for last minute Christmas presents and party food; S loved being in the pushchair under the rain cover. Afternoon spent wrapping presents and making vague attempts at tidying the house. A came round to help and even went back to town to pick up the things I'd forgotten.

Friday 21 Dec
Seeing that I would be waiting in all day for a delivery, I decided to invite people round for Christmas shenanigans. It was a last minute affair, and I didn't really prepare at all, but a few people came round and we had a good giggle. Two friends brought little girls a couple of months older than S, and she learned a few new tricks from them which was fun. She is now happily walking across the room with hands held... we appear to have skipped crawling altogether.

Saturday 22 Dec
Mad dash around town in the morning before it got busy, followed by an afternoon cleaning, tidying and wrapping presents. Evening with the HYM, who gets better every time I see him. Happy days.

What a Difference a Year Makes.

Today is one year since I had my 20 week scan. I remember the date, because it's also the ex's eldest son's birthday, and that's still written in my diary.

S&I at 23 weeks

It's strange to think about how much has changed since then. The day itself was not pleasant for me. I'd not been getting on with S's father at all, but agreed he could come to the scan. He arrived late, tried to figure out the sex of the baby on the monitor even though we'd agreed we wouldn't find out, and talked over the lady when she tried to explain things. We'd been arguing in the weeks leading up to it, and I think he'd only started being pleasant so that I'd allow him to come. We'd not seen each other for a while, and I found that I couldn't bring myself to even look at him. I felt incredibly sad that for most women the 20 week scan is an immensely happy thing, holding hands with their partner and looking forward to meeting their baby. I had none of that. While I was glad the scan showed a healthy, normal baby (and so relieved, after all the stress and worry I'd been going through), the day was mainly filled with sadness for me. I had hoped that when I had a baby it would be born into a happy, loving relationship; that we would be a family. Now it was becoming clear to me that there were problems with my relationship that could not be fixed, and I was bringing a child into a very difficult situation. I felt powerless to do anything about it, though. I was sad and tired and beaten down by it all. After the scan he handed me a wad of cash before getting a lift back to town from his ex, who had waited for him in the car park. Thankfully, I had brought my sister with me, so I wasn't alone for the experience. I was dismayed that he had chosen his ex, of all people, to give him a lift; especially when my sister had offered him a lift with us, and the buses run every ten minutes. Looking back, it was clearly a decision taken purposefully to put me in my place - something that became a theme of our "relationship" after that point. It is very telling of my mental state that, although I was cross about him bringing his ex to the scan, I only managed to be angry for about 2 days before just giving in and playing nice. Things were easier if I didn't rock the boat.

Not long after the scan, I went and stayed in Oxfordshire with friends for Christmas. It was an almost stress-free, peaceful Christmas, like being on holiday from my life. I felt like I'd run away to hide from it all, and was petrified of returning to my life and the myriad problems I felt ill-equipped to deal with. While I was away, the ex was texting me and being perfectly nice and reasonable, kept telling me he wished I was there, that Christmas wasn't the same without me. I found out afterwards that their Christmas consisted of going to his mother-in-law's house, where the adults got very drunk very early, and didn't cook a Christmas dinner, while the children presumably did their best to stay out of the way. This was my fault, obviously. If I'd been there we would have had a perfect family Christmas. The fact I went away for Christmas, took his unborn baby away from him for Christmas, was something I was still being chastised for in April.

As it was, my Christmas last year was surreal. Whenever I visit my friends in Oxfordshire, I feel like I've been teleported to a different planet where the usual problems don't matter. One night there, and all of a sudden my shoulders go back down to shoulder level rather than being bunched up about my ears. To be there over Christmas was a dream. Everything was so laid back; we watched movies with our feet up on the reclining sofa whilst eating party food, visited family, went to the cinema on Boxing Day. Christmas dinner was something everyone played a part in preparing, in between watching the Grinch and listening to carols. I almost forgot what a mess my life was in, and what I would be returning to the day after Boxing Day.

Now, looking back at that time, it feels like I'm talking about someone else. It all seems so strange, to have been in such an awful position, to have been so scared and felt so alone and confused. I felt like that a lot during my pregnancy and the first few months of S's life; it was a very trying time for me.

This Christmas though, my life could not be more different. S and I were invited to Oxfordshire again for Christmas, and I was very tempted to accept the invitation; except I don't think my mother would ever have spoken to me again! Instead, S and I are entertaining my mother and sister A for Christmas dinner. I have all the things I didn't have this time last year. I have the world's most beautiful, amazing daughter (biased? Me?) who will have no understanding of what Christmas is, but will no doubt enjoy unwrapping presents and being spoilt rotten by friends and family alike. I have an awesome, supportive boyfriend who will happily allow S to spend an hour clawing at his face if it'll make her happy. I have a home that, thanks to my fantastic brother (whose praises I will never stop singing), is now the sort of place I want to invite people to visit. We're having people over to visit throughout the festive period, and although that means I'll need to actually tidy up at some point, I'm really looking forward to it. I have the most wonderful, supportive friends around me who have proved their worth time and time again.

S&I last week

If you'd told me last Christmas, "don't worry, next Christmas will be a lot better." I would not have believed you. Stuck in the middle of it all, I could see no way out and felt thoroughly miserable about it all. I had nowhere to live, a turbulent relationship with the father of my unborn child, little support, no money. I spent most of my time around the festive period alone in my room in a shared house, drinking soup and wondering what the hell I was going to do. Now there is rarely a day I don't see someone I love and am happy to have around. My evenings are spent with HYM or wondering how the hell I'm going to wrap all these presents before Christmas morning (or how the hell I'm going to get S to actually go to sleep). I still have no money, but who needs money when you have what I have. Money can't buy this.

And now I've made you all gag at the sick-inducing schmaltz of it all, I'm off to cuddle my little girl and my handsome young man. Merry Christmas!

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Our Week: 10-15 Dec

Monday 10 Dec
Mini Movers in the morning, followed by a messy lunch and an afternoon spent tidying the house. Mostly failed at the tidying, but S had a fun day. Visit from HYM in the evening, which was lovely. I never get tired of discovering new ways in which is he is completely different to the ex. Beautiful.

Tuesday 11 Dec
Up late after a restless night. Morning spent attempting more tidying, but achieving little, since S didn't fancy naps at all. Afternoon spent at toddler group, where we did bright pink hand prints on paper, ready to make them into calendars next week. That toddler group is awesome. S spent the whole evening asleep upstairs (only woke up once) and slept really well overnight. Wondering if we've turned a corner... That would be sod's law, since I spoke to a researcher for a TV show about baby sleep issues, who wants to feature us.

Wednesday 12 Dec
OU tutorial in the morning reminded me that I really need to find time for my study. Visit from D, who brought us iced buns and big smiles, and entertained S for 20 minutes while I was on hold to several different government departments trying to get some answers regarding my return to work. After D had left my sister Z and her boyfriend L came round, and we went for a little wander into town before going to see my brother L and his family. A fun afternoon spent lounging around a very Christmassy living room, gossiping and playing with the children. S had a fantastic time.

Thursday 13 Dec
Wide awake at ridiculous o clock so got up and had an early breakfast. Morning spent doing important things from the To Do list, which I subsequently lost before completing. Then a lovely visit from a dear friend I'd not seen for about 10 years, and good old chin-wag. Being up so early scuppered S's meal/nap routine, so afternoon was spent with a grumpy, tired baby who really didn't want another nap. Winner.Visit from HYM in the evening slightly embarrassing, since he'd found this blog and read the post I wrote about him.

Friday 14 Dec
Up early again - not sure if it's S's poor sleeping or my excitement/panic for Christmas. Went to a last-minute hospital appointment for S where they kept us waiting for over an hour before poking and prodding and putting the fear of God into me, then smiling cheerfully and telling me everything is fine. Afternoon spent trying to pry my fingernails out of my palms.

Saturday 15 Dec
Brief wander around town with S in the sling to try and get some stuff done. Failed miserably due to the fact S is rather heavy in the sling these days. Afternoon spent at a Christmas party in a church, which was chaotic and carnage and quite fun.

Revelations in Romance

I've tried several times to write an entry about the Handsome Young Man... but I never seem to get anywhere with it.

I was with the ex for just about a year, which is not so long in the grand scheme of things. But for that year, he had almost total control over every single, tiny little aspect of my life. His control was so total that it seemed to wipe out everything that came before it. I couldn't remember a time when things were not this way, a time when I had not been treated like this or degraded in this way. After he left, and I started to find my feet as a mother, I slowly managed to drag myself out from under all of that. Every now and then I would have a mini revelation: "oh, that was probably a lie... oh, it's not unreasonable to want that... oh, everyone else doesn't think in that way."

And then I met HYM and it was a massive culture shock. I resisted seeing him at first, because I didn't want to be controlled and hurt again, and I thought that was what relationships were like. I'd forgotten about the other relationships I'd had before. But I decided to just go for one coffee, and see what happened. He appears to have well and truly won me over!

I had thought I was over the situation I'd been in, and that it was all behind me, no remnants left behind. And now all of a sudden there's this man in my life who is the exact polar opposite of the ex in every way. Every time I see or speak to him, he unwittingly says or does something that highlights just how different he is, and just how skewed my view of the world was, without my even realising it. I keep expecting him to behave or react in the way I was used to, and when he doesn't kick off or tell me off or make me feel inferior or stupid or dirty or wrong, it confuses the hell out of me. I have no frame of reference for a man who tells me I am beautiful and amazing and is clearly just happy to be spending time with me, even if that time is spent with me trying to rock S to sleep for an hour. He asks what I'm up to because he's interested, not because he's checking up on me. When we spend an evening apart it's because we're both doing other things, and neither of us assumes the other is sleeping with someone else. He has never once told me what to do with regard to S, something everyone else seems only too happy to do.

I had never realised a kiss could be used as something to assert authority over another person, or that something as simple as holding hands could be used to denote ownership and control - until I experienced the flip side of them. As a general rule, it's never a good idea to compare current partners with previous ones, but I find myself doing it all the time, with this weird mind-blown expression on my face, thinking "oh right, so this is what it's supposed to be like." It's like he lives in this weird, alien world where I'm beautiful and he's lucky to be with me. Like an extended version of the Twilight Zone.

Sometimes, while I was with the ex, I would have these fleeting moments of clarity, where I would be internally screaming at myself: What are you doing? Why are you fighting so hard to stay with someone who marks your body and degrades you and makes you feel so worthless and miserable and unappreciated? I did know it was wrong, but I felt powerless to stop it. I had been convinced that was just what relationships were like, and that I was the person who was in the wrong: clearly I held people up to an impossibly high standard, I expected the unachievable in a relationship and of a man. What he was doing was normal, and I was abnormal for being at all unwilling to co-operate. I was poisonous, it was all me. I accepted that perhaps I just wanted too much out of a relationship, and I wasn't able to deal with all the effort and compromise that comes with it. I decided I would just be alone and concentrate on looking after my daughter.

Having met HYM, it's like the final nail in the coffin of the control the ex had. Now I've seen how HYM treats me, how he makes me feel like the most amazing, beautiful and important person in the world, I realise just how much I had been broken by my previous experience, just how much of it I was accepting when I should have been walking away from what was a nasty situation. I have always had issues with confidence, even before the ex. He just made them that much worse, made me that much more insecure and dependent upon him to feel like I was just about acceptable as a person. Nobody else would ever want me because, after all, the ex was doing me a favour by sticking around someone as difficult and unpleasant as me. Even on the day I went into labour with his child, I was manipulating him and being deliberately difficult, not to mention downright inconvenient, it being Easter Sunday and all.

After an experience like that, and then having been hugely pregnant and given birth, I had no confidence physically or emotionally when it came to a new relationship. Suddenly there was this man at my door wanting to take me out, and clearly very proud and happy to be with me. He seems to think I'm beautiful. I feel like Pauline Collins in Shirley Valentine: "He kissed my stretch marks!"

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Our Week: 2 - 8 December

Sunday 2 Dec
Morning spent baking brownies, with a visit from mother. Hot date in the afternoon. evening spent... watching TV. Oh yeah, I know how to party. S barely slept through the evening, but did sleep for 5 solid hours in the night so can't complain.

Monday 3 Dec
Off to the Childrens' Centre in the morning for "8 Month Contact." Afternoon spent playing with S whilst moving furniture and bringing living room junk back downstairs now the floor is down. S had 3 long naps, which was odd but she's been sleeping badly lately.

Tuesday 4 Dec
Accidentally stayed in all day. Housework in the morning, and a visit from the nursery nurse about S and her eating/sleeping/development. World's messiest lunch: the kind where both mine and S's outfits needed to be changed afterwards. We were going to baby group at a local church in the afternoon, and looking forward to it since there was a Christmas tree festival to visit. But S decided to have a long afternoon nap, and we missed it. Had intended to go to the shops afterwards, but S did not wake in the world's best mood, and we'd already been through 2 pairs of socks today so abandoned all plans.

Wednesday 5 Dec
Up and out for a long walk in the morning, then an afternoon visit from a very dear friend I'd not seen forever and a day, and her gorgeous son. Evening and overnight spent trying not to hear the neighbours partying, and panicking about my maternity leave ending.

Thursday 6 Dec
Morning spent having a go at housework and waiting for a Tesco order. Afternoon spent at the local panto, Sleeping Beauty. We went with D, who got us tickets through Home Start which was awesome. S slept through the first part, but loved the lights and colours in the second half. Got home late (5pm) and neighbours had already begun their evening festivities so S slept in the living room in her bouncy chair. Again. No idea what we will do when she outgrows the thing, and the neighbours are still inconsiderate drunken idiots.

Friday 7 Dec
Off out to Buggyfun in the freezing cold; really didn't fancy it, but as usual once we got there it was great. then back home to feed S lunch and get my hair cut by a friend. Sneaky nap on the sofa followed by random housework tasks and a vague attempt at OU work. Must try harder with the OU stuff.

Saturday 8 Dec
Another morning pretending to do housework. I did vacuum though so that was good. Made brownies and tarted myself up for my hot date with the Handsome Young Man.Went out for hot date; bumped into my mother on the way home, whilst I was still with HYM. Awkward.

A Date? That's Fruit You Eat Stuffed at Christmas, Right?

Someone asked me on a date this week. My reaction surprised me: although I like the person, and had been thinking lately that it would be nice to have some romantic attention, I was petrified. I literally froze; I had no idea what to say.

This person seems lovely; I could never imagine him being at all unpleasant, from what little I know of him… but then, it took a while for me to believe that of the ex as well! We have some friends in common; I thought perhaps I could ask for their opinion on him… but then I remembered that all of the ex’s friends think he is fabulous. My experience with S’s father has taught me not just that my judgement on these matters is not to be trusted, but that the judgement of others is not so fantastic either. The very nature of the problems in our relationship was that he was such a charmer, and nobody around him would ever have believed the truth of him; many still don’t.

I have historically poor taste, not just in men but in situations and relationships. I am generally quite reckless, running headlong into situations I know are probably not ideal, but hell, just go with it and see what happens… What happens is that people usually end up getting hurt, and not speaking to each other, and maybe even hating each other, and it’s messy. Whilst being ill-advised, it was fine when it was just me. I could walk into situations I knew deep down were a bad idea, and when the inevitable carnage happened, it was just me who had to deal with it. The minute I had S, that stopped. It was like a switch was flipped in my head, and I suddenly started thinking, “no, this is not an ok situation; you can’t do this to us.”

It’s taken me several months, and a lot of hard work, to slowly and painfully extricate myself from the situation I was in and to feel strong enough to be doing this on my own. The idea of spending time with a man had not even crossed my mind, and I would balk at the idea whenever friends told me “you’ll meet someone nice and forget all about this.” In some ways it is still a daily struggle not to allow myself to be dragged back into the mucky nastiness I was embroiled in for so long; I still count my days like an addict. I still miss the children I left behind terribly, and am reminded of them constantly, by the slightest little thing. But I’m not afraid any more; I don’t care what is said about me, and I do feel a lot stronger than I was.

A couple of people have shown what could probably be classed as “an interest” in the last few months, but I couldn’t even entertain the idea. This time, I entertained the idea, and then decided I couldn’t possibly leave S to go out on a date. We kept chatting though, and agreed to meet for coffee one afternoon instead. I am petrified. I don’t trust myself to know… anything! The problem is that before, I did know deep down that there was a problem; that I shouldn’t be in this relationship; but it was very deep down, and I just pushed it down further because I didn't want to deal with the situation. I’m scared that I will do the same thing again.  But then, as a friend commented on Facebook, am I just not going to date again until S leaves home? I suppose I have to just listen out for that little voice in my head a bit more, and pay attention when it speaks.

Let me be clear here: I am in no way expecting that this person is some sort of monster, or anything like my ex. So far he seems to be the polar opposite in every way. I am just worried and paranoid and extremely wary of putting myself in a vulnerable position again.

A mutual friend told him off for asking me out, because she knows some of what went on with the ex. She is a good judge of character, and I trust that she would tell me to steer clear if she thought there was any chance of anything untoward. As it was, she sent me a text saying to go careful with him, because he’s had a rough time of it lately too. In the end, I spoke to him. He’d already been told some things about the trouble I’d had; months ago our friend told him: If you ever see anyone banging on that door, you go up and see what’s going on. I explained the situation I am in, and that if we ended up seeing each other I would most probably end up making use of the Clare's Law pilot that's currently running in my area. His response was that yes, I absolutely should call; he had nothing to hide. He also told me that I should feel free to ask our mutual friend anything I wanted to about him. 

And so, I suppose we just wait and see what happens on the date, and afterwards...

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