Things I Learned in 2012

So here it is, the last day of 2012. This year has been the best of my life, but also probably the hardest.  The thing about having a hard time though, is that it tends to teach you things. These are some of the things I learned in 2012:

• If you didn’t have a fantastic relationship with your family before you had a child, the baby will not magically improve anything at all. It might even make things worse.
• We are all stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Having been through this year, I know there is not much I cannot cope with now.
• In your hour of need, help can come from the most unlikely direction. People I had not seen for years (around 20 in some cases) have given me things, offered advice and support, turned up at my door with a smile and a shoulder to cry on and generally overwhelmed me with how amazingly supportive and caring people can be.
• Everything sounds a hundred times louder when your baby is asleep. Especially if said baby has a strained relationship with nap time.
• You can stay single indefinitely, and you won’t be hurt and humiliated like you were before; but you also won’t feel as happy and cared for as you never did before.
• It is around a hundred times easier to make conversation with new people if you have a beautiful baby on your lap. 
• If it hurts, it's not love. Walk away.
• Dignified silence trumps arguing your point every single time. In the end the people who matter will find out the truth; nobody else matters.
• Everyone has an opinion on what you should be doing, and none of them matter.
• Most things happen at an inconvenient time.
• Hospital food is not so bad, but it does make you crave fresh, crunchy vegetables
• Breastfeeding in public is really not such a big deal.
• A lot of people do lack the common decency taken to step out of the way of a woman with a push chair, or to hold a door open for her. This one really surprised me, since I was brought up to always hold the door for the person behind me.
• Actually - and this is a big shocker - I can be a bit of a clean/tidy freak and get rather thingy when my living space is dirty or messy.
• Life is as easy or as hard as you want to make it. You can be faced with a million difficult things, but if you adjust your attitude slightly, you can still drag life towards a nice sunny walk in the park.

Happy New Year, everyone. If my 2013 is half as awesome as this year and half as shitty, I'll be happy. I hope yours brings you whatever it is you want/need.

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How to Make a Relationship Really Hard Work

I am bad at relationships. I would say around 90% of my past relationships have ended after three months, with the man putting his head in his hands and admitting defeat. The rest of them probably should have ended after three months but didn't, and we ended up hating each other.

Having a relationship with HYM is difficult for so many reasons. For one, I have S, which means our time together is often interrupted by feeding, cooing, playing, and watching CBeebies, none of which is particularly romantic. Then there's the fact my last relationship messed with my head so much I wasn't entirely sure which way was up any more by the time it was over. And then there's the fact I'm just not good at this sort of thing. And because I know I'm crap at it, I still don't know how much of the last fiasco was my own fault. I mean, obviously the fact the ex was (is) a violent sociopath with great aptitude for making me believe everything was my fault was not my responsibility, but the fact I stuck around so long, and kept going back when I knew it was a bad idea, that is my fault. And I don't know how many of the times he told me I was messing him around, playing games, being an unreasonable bitch, were actually me being those things, and how many were him just messing with my head a bit more. Because I have form for being an unreasonable bitch.

Poor old HYM has to contend with all of this, as well as my extreme tiredness and crankiness caused by S having a cold and not sleeping too well lately.

The main problem is that when I am pissed off with him over something, I can't tell if it's something I should legitimately be annoyed about, or if I'm just being a bit over-sensitive and, well, stupid. This generally means that on one day I might go mental at him for being late or for not doing something he said he would do, and then the following day it's all fine and I take a deep breath and carry on. 

On the other hand, though, having a relationship with him is easy. I would rather be going through this whole "finding my feet in an odd situation" thing with him than with anyone else. I am good friends with a lot of my ex partners now, and don't wish to offend any of them, but I really don't feel that anyone I've been with previously could have put up with me and all the baggage that I'm currently carting around with me.

With the big things, like being violent or possessive or controlling, it's plain to see what happened, who was responsible, and that HYM couldn't do any of that even if he tried really hard. But with the smaller things, like when he does something that annoys me: is that because I'm unreasonable; or because I'm over-sensitive to that particular thing because of the way it was with the ex; or is he indeed in the wrong? The ex was a big one for passive-aggressive behaviour and was so good at using it, I am still now looking back at incidents and thinking "oh wait, yeah, that was probably him controlling the situation..." Stupid things like being late, forgetting to make phone calls or not getting around to doing something, take on a whole new meaning when they've been used to keep you in your place in the past. So I tend to react pretty badly if HYM doesn't do exactly what he's said he will do. Even if he said it when he was half asleep at 3 in the morning. This means I can't tell if the problems we have are just me being a bit thingy, or if they are a sign that this will not work out. Literally every time I see him, he says or does something that highlights the myriad differences between him and the ex. I know that S and I are safe with him both emotionally and physically. But I also worry that I will end up sabotaging this relationship before it's even properly begun. He's bound to get sick of walking on egg shells, and it's bound to happen sooner rather than later.

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Our Week 24-29 December

Monday 24 December
Up horrendously early and into town for some last minute shopping before the marauding hoards came out to play. Home for lunch, and then back out to the pub to meet with some lovely friends. Briefly joined by HYM, then home for another couple of visitors. Evening spent preparing Christmas dinner.

Tuesday 25 December
Up horrendously early again, this time trying to persuade S to open presents. She was more interested in the paper though. Morning spent with HYM and my sister A. Hilarious moments trying to figure out what the hell to do with the turkey. HYM left, mother arrived, S opened a couple of presents. I produced an outstanding Christmas dinner that relied heavily on bacon. Nobody died. S opened a couple more presents. In the evening my sister Z and her boyfriend L joined us, and HYM came back. Then everyone but HYM left, and we had a nice evening snuggling on the sofa.

Wednesday 26 December
Up a little later but not so's you'd notice. Morning spent cleaning up the house while S played with more presents she hadn't yet unwrapped. In the afternoon we went to meet HYM's family at their house. Daunting, but they are lovely. Evening spent watching bad TV with my sister A, who stayed over on the sofa.

Thursday 27 December
Having spent most of the last few days cooped up in the house, we had to get out. And I needed to get my watch fixed, since it stopped working on Christmas eve. Spent the morning in town with A, then came home and had lunch. Spent the afternoon with my sister Z and her boyfriend L, visiting my brother L and his family. S was poorly though, so we didn't stay as long as we would have liked.

Friday 28 December
Morning spent wandering around town as I tried desperately to figure out what I'd come out of the house for. Visit from the older sister S and her husband and step-daughter in the afternoon, as well as A. Evening spent with HYM, curled up on the sofa watching a movie. Heaven.

Saturday 29 December
Horrible weather meant a distinct lack of motivation to leave the house. Most of the day spent cleaning and tidying; I find that recently my tolerance for mess and clutter has lowered considerably. Tree and decorations put away, everywhere vacuumed, big sigh. HYM came round for a couple of hours, then buggered off again.

Some Family Traditions Will Not Be Passed On!

My family is strange. We don't talk to each other. I mean, we say hi and ask each other how we are, but I don't think we really listen to each other's answers. And there are massive minefields of uncomfortable situations that we just don't talk about. Nobody mentions that my grandfather committed suicide when I was 5; I didn't even know about it until I was 30. Adoptions, divorces, arguments, trauma, fights, deaths, miscarriages. anything involving feelings, really, are a big no-no.

I recently found out a childhood friend had been adopted. She was pretty open about it, and was surprised I had never known; it's never been a secret for her, she's always known. The next time I saw my mother I asked her, Did you know this girl I spent a large part of my childhood with, whose parents you were good friends with, was adopted? Her answer? Yes. Why didn't I or my brothers or sisters know about it? Well, adoption is not really something you talk to kids about.The general rule in our family seems to be: If it's a bit tricky to talk about, pretend it didn't happen. If it makes you uncomfortable, pretend it's not there. Brush it under the carpet, turn your head away from it, stick your fingers in your ears and sing a loud song. Eventually it will go away.

When I was around 11 I had "the periods talk" from my mother. It went like this:
Mother: "you've had sex education at school and been told about periods, right?"
Me: "yes..."
Mother: "well here are some sanitary towels, take them with you when you go on your school trip next week, in case anything starts."
That was the first and last conversation I had with my mother on this topic.

S has been born into a fairly unfortunate situation, in that there are a lot of uncomfortable things I will need to explain to her as she grows up. Things like why her dad isn't around, the fact she has brothers and sisters she has no contact with, that she doesn't see any of her father's side of the family... and after recent events it looks like I may need to explain why random members of that side of the family turn up on our doorstep from time to time, demanding to see her. If I'm honest, I'm absolutely dreading it. How do you tell a child about that sort of situation without making them feel like they were a mistake or unwanted? How do you explain it without them thinking you are keeping them away from some magical, flawless absent family? Still, having grown up with the alternative, I suppose I had better start preparing my speech now. I'd rather she know everything, than be fed a stream of lies and find out the truth in an episode worthy of an Eastenders Christmas special

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Wordless Wednesday - Our First Christmas Dinner

Cranberry Sauce

Stuffing

Mmmmmmm

Leftovers!

Our Week 17-22 Dec

Monday 17 Dec
Up and ready relatively early for our toddler group Christmas party; put S in the sling as there are usually so many pushchairs there it's a nightmare to get in and out... plan backfired when she was monumentally sick all over both of us on the way there. Skipped the party, did a quick dash to a couple of shops and took my poorly baby home. Poorly baby then proceeded to spend the afternoon shouting at her toys and watching Tweenies without a care in the world. Visit from sister (A) in the afternoon who entertained S while I made S a Christmas stocking, which I shall be proud of for the rest of my life!

Tuesday 18 Dec
Up early due to a distinct inability to sleep; get it every Christmas. Baked 2 trays of brownies before 10am, then a visit from the health visitor, lunch, brief shopping trip with A, half an hour at toddler group and an ill-timed blood donation appointment. Impressed with myself I didn't pass out this time. Score. Got a sticker too, which is a bonus.

Wednesday 19 Dec
Horribly unsettled night and non-existent morning nap made for a stressed mummy today! Visit from D in the morning, followed by visit from Z and A, copious amounts of vomit on a library book, and an evening spent doing anything but settling. Meanwhile I struggled to finish an OU assignment, and wondered how the hell I'm going to get through the rest of the course if my child never sleeps again.

Thursday 20 Dec
Woke up feeling a lot like death but had lots to do. Braved near-torrential rain to go shopping for last minute Christmas presents and party food; S loved being in the pushchair under the rain cover. Afternoon spent wrapping presents and making vague attempts at tidying the house. A came round to help and even went back to town to pick up the things I'd forgotten.

Friday 21 Dec
Seeing that I would be waiting in all day for a delivery, I decided to invite people round for Christmas shenanigans. It was a last minute affair, and I didn't really prepare at all, but a few people came round and we had a good giggle. Two friends brought little girls a couple of months older than S, and she learned a few new tricks from them which was fun. She is now happily walking across the room with hands held... we appear to have skipped crawling altogether.

Saturday 22 Dec
Mad dash around town in the morning before it got busy, followed by an afternoon cleaning, tidying and wrapping presents. Evening with the HYM, who gets better every time I see him. Happy days.

What a Difference a Year Makes.

Today is one year since I had my 20 week scan. I remember the date, because it's also the ex's eldest son's birthday, and that's still written in my diary.

S&I at 23 weeks

It's strange to think about how much has changed since then. The day itself was not pleasant for me. I'd not been getting on with S's father at all, but agreed he could come to the scan. He arrived late, tried to figure out the sex of the baby on the monitor even though we'd agreed we wouldn't find out, and talked over the lady when she tried to explain things. We'd been arguing in the weeks leading up to it, and I think he'd only started being pleasant so that I'd allow him to come. We'd not seen each other for a while, and I found that I couldn't bring myself to even look at him. I felt incredibly sad that for most women the 20 week scan is an immensely happy thing, holding hands with their partner and looking forward to meeting their baby. I had none of that. While I was glad the scan showed a healthy, normal baby (and so relieved, after all the stress and worry I'd been going through), the day was mainly filled with sadness for me. I had hoped that when I had a baby it would be born into a happy, loving relationship; that we would be a family. Now it was becoming clear to me that there were problems with my relationship that could not be fixed, and I was bringing a child into a very difficult situation. I felt powerless to do anything about it, though. I was sad and tired and beaten down by it all. After the scan he handed me a wad of cash before getting a lift back to town from his ex, who had waited for him in the car park. Thankfully, I had brought my sister with me, so I wasn't alone for the experience. I was dismayed that he had chosen his ex, of all people, to give him a lift; especially when my sister had offered him a lift with us, and the buses run every ten minutes. Looking back, it was clearly a decision taken purposefully to put me in my place - something that became a theme of our "relationship" after that point. It is very telling of my mental state that, although I was cross about him bringing his ex to the scan, I only managed to be angry for about 2 days before just giving in and playing nice. Things were easier if I didn't rock the boat.

Not long after the scan, I went and stayed in Oxfordshire with friends for Christmas. It was an almost stress-free, peaceful Christmas, like being on holiday from my life. I felt like I'd run away to hide from it all, and was petrified of returning to my life and the myriad problems I felt ill-equipped to deal with. While I was away, the ex was texting me and being perfectly nice and reasonable, kept telling me he wished I was there, that Christmas wasn't the same without me. I found out afterwards that their Christmas consisted of going to his mother-in-law's house, where the adults got very drunk very early, and didn't cook a Christmas dinner, while the children presumably did their best to stay out of the way. This was my fault, obviously. If I'd been there we would have had a perfect family Christmas. The fact I went away for Christmas, took his unborn baby away from him for Christmas, was something I was still being chastised for in April.

As it was, my Christmas last year was surreal. Whenever I visit my friends in Oxfordshire, I feel like I've been teleported to a different planet where the usual problems don't matter. One night there, and all of a sudden my shoulders go back down to shoulder level rather than being bunched up about my ears. To be there over Christmas was a dream. Everything was so laid back; we watched movies with our feet up on the reclining sofa whilst eating party food, visited family, went to the cinema on Boxing Day. Christmas dinner was something everyone played a part in preparing, in between watching the Grinch and listening to carols. I almost forgot what a mess my life was in, and what I would be returning to the day after Boxing Day.

Now, looking back at that time, it feels like I'm talking about someone else. It all seems so strange, to have been in such an awful position, to have been so scared and felt so alone and confused. I felt like that a lot during my pregnancy and the first few months of S's life; it was a very trying time for me.

This Christmas though, my life could not be more different. S and I were invited to Oxfordshire again for Christmas, and I was very tempted to accept the invitation; except I don't think my mother would ever have spoken to me again! Instead, S and I are entertaining my mother and sister A for Christmas dinner. I have all the things I didn't have this time last year. I have the world's most beautiful, amazing daughter (biased? Me?) who will have no understanding of what Christmas is, but will no doubt enjoy unwrapping presents and being spoilt rotten by friends and family alike. I have an awesome, supportive boyfriend who will happily allow S to spend an hour clawing at his face if it'll make her happy. I have a home that, thanks to my fantastic brother (whose praises I will never stop singing), is now the sort of place I want to invite people to visit. We're having people over to visit throughout the festive period, and although that means I'll need to actually tidy up at some point, I'm really looking forward to it. I have the most wonderful, supportive friends around me who have proved their worth time and time again.

S&I last week

If you'd told me last Christmas, "don't worry, next Christmas will be a lot better." I would not have believed you. Stuck in the middle of it all, I could see no way out and felt thoroughly miserable about it all. I had nowhere to live, a turbulent relationship with the father of my unborn child, little support, no money. I spent most of my time around the festive period alone in my room in a shared house, drinking soup and wondering what the hell I was going to do. Now there is rarely a day I don't see someone I love and am happy to have around. My evenings are spent with HYM or wondering how the hell I'm going to wrap all these presents before Christmas morning (or how the hell I'm going to get S to actually go to sleep). I still have no money, but who needs money when you have what I have. Money can't buy this.

And now I've made you all gag at the sick-inducing schmaltz of it all, I'm off to cuddle my little girl and my handsome young man. Merry Christmas!

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Wordless Wednesday: Happy Days!

The Work Debate

I'm still trying to decide whether to go back to work, and to make all the mini decisions that go with the larger one.

Last week I finally bit the bullet and made some calls to some government departments. After a morning listening to Vivaldi, I'm fairly sure that all benefits are paid from the phone charges. If they're not, they should be. We'd all be rich.

If I go back to work:

Artist's impression of me at work

• My pay will stop in January, but they will hold my job open until May.
• I will need to find childcare for S. If I use a childminder, this is around £100 a week. Despite several phone calls and messages, I've not been able to get a response from the nursery closest to me as to what their costs would be
• Regarding payment for childcare, there are two options. My employers are part of the childcare vouchers scheme, which is a salary sacrifice set-up. I can opt to have a maximum of £243 per month taken from my pay (before tax and NI) to be paid to my childcare provider. Or I can have my Working Tax Credits help with childcare costs. They will pay "up to" 70% of the cost of my childcare. But if I do the childcare vouchers thing, I can't get Tax Credits for my childcare. Unless my childcare is more than £243 per month, in which case I can apply for Tax Credits to pay "up to" 70% of the difference. It's almost as if they're trying to trick you into being out of pocket.
• My employers are obliged to provide me with a place I can express breast milk for S while at work, but only until she is a year old - so April. After that I suppose everyone thinks she should be fully weaned, and to hell with whether she actually is or not.
• As far as I can tell, I will be earning just enough that I won't qualify for Housing Benefit, or Council Tax Benefit. 
• I would qualify for free prescriptions, eye tests, dentist, etc.
• From a pre-tax pay of around £200 a week I will have to pay £85 rent, £25 council tax, childcare, gas, electricity, food, water... I'm no mathlete, but I can't see how that adds up. Little bit worried. It's difficult to get any sort of prediction as to what my Tax Credits would be.

This is what staying home entails

If I don't go back to work:

• Income Support is £71 a week.
• I would get Child Tax Credits, but (obviously) not Working Tax Credits.
• I would qualify for Housing Benefit and Council Tax Benefit
• I think I would get some sort of vouchers for fruit and milk.
• I can stay on Income Support until S is 5, if I so wish. The thought of five years of daytime telly is a bit horrid though.

One thing I need to take into consideration is that I have signed up to do this OU course, and want to do a good job with it. I also want to finish as soon as possible, which means taking as many credits at a time as I can - which means having the time to study them!

I spoke to the Income Support people a few times last week, and discovered that between February and May, while I am technically employed but receiving no pay, I can claim benefits as if I were not employed. 

For the moment my plan is to do just that. From February to May I will claim Income Support, and see if I can live reasonably on benefits and not go mental. By that point I will have been off work more than a year so I may well find I really need to go back to work. My bank balance may agree with me.

So what I've basically decided to do is to postpone making a decision for a few more months. Good work, Vicky.

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Our Week: 10-15 Dec

Monday 10 Dec
Mini Movers in the morning, followed by a messy lunch and an afternoon spent tidying the house. Mostly failed at the tidying, but S had a fun day. Visit from HYM in the evening, which was lovely. I never get tired of discovering new ways in which is he is completely different to the ex. Beautiful.

Tuesday 11 Dec
Up late after a restless night. Morning spent attempting more tidying, but achieving little, since S didn't fancy naps at all. Afternoon spent at toddler group, where we did bright pink hand prints on paper, ready to make them into calendars next week. That toddler group is awesome. S spent the whole evening asleep upstairs (only woke up once) and slept really well overnight. Wondering if we've turned a corner... That would be sod's law, since I spoke to a researcher for a TV show about baby sleep issues, who wants to feature us.

Wednesday 12 Dec
OU tutorial in the morning reminded me that I really need to find time for my study. Visit from D, who brought us iced buns and big smiles, and entertained S for 20 minutes while I was on hold to several different government departments trying to get some answers regarding my return to work. After D had left my sister Z and her boyfriend L came round, and we went for a little wander into town before going to see my brother L and his family. A fun afternoon spent lounging around a very Christmassy living room, gossiping and playing with the children. S had a fantastic time.

Thursday 13 Dec
Wide awake at ridiculous o clock so got up and had an early breakfast. Morning spent doing important things from the To Do list, which I subsequently lost before completing. Then a lovely visit from a dear friend I'd not seen for about 10 years, and good old chin-wag. Being up so early scuppered S's meal/nap routine, so afternoon was spent with a grumpy, tired baby who really didn't want another nap. Winner.Visit from HYM in the evening slightly embarrassing, since he'd found this blog and read the post I wrote about him.

Friday 14 Dec
Up early again - not sure if it's S's poor sleeping or my excitement/panic for Christmas. Went to a last-minute hospital appointment for S where they kept us waiting for over an hour before poking and prodding and putting the fear of God into me, then smiling cheerfully and telling me everything is fine. Afternoon spent trying to pry my fingernails out of my palms.

Saturday 15 Dec
Brief wander around town with S in the sling to try and get some stuff done. Failed miserably due to the fact S is rather heavy in the sling these days. Afternoon spent at a Christmas party in a church, which was chaotic and carnage and quite fun.

Revelations in Romance

I've tried several times to write an entry about the Handsome Young Man... but I never seem to get anywhere with it.

I was with the ex for just about a year, which is not so long in the grand scheme of things. But for that year, he had almost total control over every single, tiny little aspect of my life. His control was so total that it seemed to wipe out everything that came before it. I couldn't remember a time when things were not this way, a time when I had not been treated like this or degraded in this way. After he left, and I started to find my feet as a mother, I slowly managed to drag myself out from under all of that. Every now and then I would have a mini revelation: "oh, that was probably a lie... oh, it's not unreasonable to want that... oh, everyone else doesn't think in that way."

And then I met HYM and it was a massive culture shock. I resisted seeing him at first, because I didn't want to be controlled and hurt again, and I thought that was what relationships were like. I'd forgotten about the other relationships I'd had before. But I decided to just go for one coffee, and see what happened. He appears to have well and truly won me over!

I had thought I was over the situation I'd been in, and that it was all behind me, no remnants left behind. And now all of a sudden there's this man in my life who is the exact polar opposite of the ex in every way. Every time I see or speak to him, he unwittingly says or does something that highlights just how different he is, and just how skewed my view of the world was, without my even realising it. I keep expecting him to behave or react in the way I was used to, and when he doesn't kick off or tell me off or make me feel inferior or stupid or dirty or wrong, it confuses the hell out of me. I have no frame of reference for a man who tells me I am beautiful and amazing and is clearly just happy to be spending time with me, even if that time is spent with me trying to rock S to sleep for an hour. He asks what I'm up to because he's interested, not because he's checking up on me. When we spend an evening apart it's because we're both doing other things, and neither of us assumes the other is sleeping with someone else. He has never once told me what to do with regard to S, something everyone else seems only too happy to do.

I had never realised a kiss could be used as something to assert authority over another person, or that something as simple as holding hands could be used to denote ownership and control - until I experienced the flip side of them. As a general rule, it's never a good idea to compare current partners with previous ones, but I find myself doing it all the time, with this weird mind-blown expression on my face, thinking "oh right, so this is what it's supposed to be like." It's like he lives in this weird, alien world where I'm beautiful and he's lucky to be with me. Like an extended version of the Twilight Zone.

Sometimes, while I was with the ex, I would have these fleeting moments of clarity, where I would be internally screaming at myself: What are you doing? Why are you fighting so hard to stay with someone who marks your body and degrades you and makes you feel so worthless and miserable and unappreciated? I did know it was wrong, but I felt powerless to stop it. I had been convinced that was just what relationships were like, and that I was the person who was in the wrong: clearly I held people up to an impossibly high standard, I expected the unachievable in a relationship and of a man. What he was doing was normal, and I was abnormal for being at all unwilling to co-operate. I was poisonous, it was all me. I accepted that perhaps I just wanted too much out of a relationship, and I wasn't able to deal with all the effort and compromise that comes with it. I decided I would just be alone and concentrate on looking after my daughter.

Having met HYM, it's like the final nail in the coffin of the control the ex had. Now I've seen how HYM treats me, how he makes me feel like the most amazing, beautiful and important person in the world, I realise just how much I had been broken by my previous experience, just how much of it I was accepting when I should have been walking away from what was a nasty situation. I have always had issues with confidence, even before the ex. He just made them that much worse, made me that much more insecure and dependent upon him to feel like I was just about acceptable as a person. Nobody else would ever want me because, after all, the ex was doing me a favour by sticking around someone as difficult and unpleasant as me. Even on the day I went into labour with his child, I was manipulating him and being deliberately difficult, not to mention downright inconvenient, it being Easter Sunday and all.

After an experience like that, and then having been hugely pregnant and given birth, I had no confidence physically or emotionally when it came to a new relationship. Suddenly there was this man at my door wanting to take me out, and clearly very proud and happy to be with me. He seems to think I'm beautiful. I feel like Pauline Collins in Shirley Valentine: "He kissed my stretch marks!"

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Wordless Wednesday: Fun with Food!

Ten Ways to Save Money

1. Do you use liquid soap? I don’t know about you, but every time I wash my hands with liquid soap, half of what I’ve pumped out of the bottle goes down the drain. Next time you buy a new bottle, pour half of it into the old (empty) bottle, and top both up with water. It still works as soap, it still smells nice, it’s exactly the same – but there’s twice as much soap. You can do the same with washing up liquid, and probably shower gel, bubble bath too.
2. Dilute your fabric softener with white (distilled) vinegar. It works just as well, and the vinegar is apparently very good for your machine. Never use fabric softener for washing nappies, towels, or basically anything that needs to be absorbent; just use vinegar on its own. And no, your clothes won’t come out stinking of a fish and chip shop.
3. Don’t throw away flat cola; put it down the loo instead. Left overnight, it can clean your toilet bowl up nicely.
4. This one has a bit of an initial outlay, but I’ve found it pretty handy in the long term. Stock up on non-perishables when they are on 3 for 2 or BOGOF offers in the supermarkets, and only re-stock when they are on offer again. Most of the supermarkets rotate their offers between brands, so you can get 5 cans of Heinz soups for a reduced price one week, 5 of Campbell’s the following week, and so on. If you have the space, you can do this with washing powder, nappies, toilet roll… basically anything. When I find something that I use regularly is on offer, I buy as many as I can afford and stash them in the cupboard. When you first start doing this, you can just add a couple of extra things to your shopping basket each week/month. Longer term, because you don’t need to buy toilet roll or nappies or whatever this week (because they’re stockpiled at home) you can afford to take advantage of another offer!
5. Sign up for every single reward card you can get your hands on! It can be a pain to carry them all around with you and fumble for them at the till, but if you use them religiously every time you shop, and make use of the coupons etc they send you, you can save a lot of money. My favourite ones to use are Boots (best value, and tons of double points events), Tesco (they’ve started doing promotions where you can cash in your vouchers for double the usual amount), Nectar (you can collect them bloody anywhere) and Holland & Barrett (because I use a lot of supplements, and shop in there any way, and once a quarter they send me a code to use at the till for money off my purchases – no need to worry about losing coupons!) Also, sign up for baby clubs, family clubs, wine clubs etc with these shops. Boots give 10 points per pound spent on baby products, and if you join their contact lens scheme you get money off all Boots products. N.B. sign up for reward cards, but not store cards; these are the work of the devil, with horribly high interest rates.
6. If there’s a brand you particularly like, “like” them on Facebook, and visit their website whenever you think of it. In the last couple of months I’ve had coupons for free baby fromage frais, free baby food pouches, money off Tropicana and Soreen, a free tooth brush, free tea bags, free coffee…
7. Whenever you have a product that breaks, doesn’t taste right, leaks or generally doesn’t perform as you expected, email the company and complain! British people are terribly polite and don’t like to cause a fuss, but at the end of the day, you spent your money on that, and it turned out to be a bit pants. The companies want to keep you happy, and will usually send you vouchers or something to compensate for your inconvenience. When I bought a certain brand of nappies for S and they leaked badly I emailed them and they sent me vouchers that could be used across their whole range of brands – so I used them to buy some toilet roll for the stock pile cupboard!
8. Become a great big geek! Anyone who knows me well, will know I love a good spreadsheet. I keep a weekly track of how much gas and electricity I use, and then compete with myself to see if I can get the amount I’ve spent down a little each week. I have a prepay meter for both, so each time I top up I make a note of how much credit is left on the meter from last week. I also keep a “cash flow” spreadsheet to keep a track on my bank account and make sure I don’t go overdrawn. I love it. And I feel like I’ve just admitted something terribly embarrassing!
9. Sign up for everything! Most companies want to send you weekly/monthly/quarterly emails with random gumpf about their brand; they’re mostly rubbish, but sometimes they will also send you vouchers, coupons, discount codes and even chances to test new products (free samples!). Avoid having your email account filled with spam by setting up a new account especially for this sort of thing, and just check it every now and then to see what’s come in.
10. This one is really boring. Open your bills and statements, and read them. Check whether you are going over your minutes or texts on your mobile, or perhaps you’re not even using close to your allowance and could stand to cut your contract. Check there’s not random amounts of money disappearing from your bank or credit card account each month. If you’ve made calls from the landline, would it have been cheaper to call from your mobile, and vice versa? 0845 numbers are expensive to call from your mobile, and usually cheaper from the landline, and some companies have a system where you can pay a small fee for a month and get calls to these sorts of numbers significantly cheaper – worth knowing about if you get that sinking feeling you’re going to be on the phone sorting out something complicated and time-consuming!

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Our Week: 2 - 8 December

Sunday 2 Dec
Morning spent baking brownies, with a visit from mother. Hot date in the afternoon. evening spent... watching TV. Oh yeah, I know how to party. S barely slept through the evening, but did sleep for 5 solid hours in the night so can't complain.

Monday 3 Dec
Off to the Childrens' Centre in the morning for "8 Month Contact." Afternoon spent playing with S whilst moving furniture and bringing living room junk back downstairs now the floor is down. S had 3 long naps, which was odd but she's been sleeping badly lately.

Tuesday 4 Dec
Accidentally stayed in all day. Housework in the morning, and a visit from the nursery nurse about S and her eating/sleeping/development. World's messiest lunch: the kind where both mine and S's outfits needed to be changed afterwards. We were going to baby group at a local church in the afternoon, and looking forward to it since there was a Christmas tree festival to visit. But S decided to have a long afternoon nap, and we missed it. Had intended to go to the shops afterwards, but S did not wake in the world's best mood, and we'd already been through 2 pairs of socks today so abandoned all plans.

Wednesday 5 Dec
Up and out for a long walk in the morning, then an afternoon visit from a very dear friend I'd not seen forever and a day, and her gorgeous son. Evening and overnight spent trying not to hear the neighbours partying, and panicking about my maternity leave ending.

Thursday 6 Dec
Morning spent having a go at housework and waiting for a Tesco order. Afternoon spent at the local panto, Sleeping Beauty. We went with D, who got us tickets through Home Start which was awesome. S slept through the first part, but loved the lights and colours in the second half. Got home late (5pm) and neighbours had already begun their evening festivities so S slept in the living room in her bouncy chair. Again. No idea what we will do when she outgrows the thing, and the neighbours are still inconsiderate drunken idiots.

Friday 7 Dec
Off out to Buggyfun in the freezing cold; really didn't fancy it, but as usual once we got there it was great. then back home to feed S lunch and get my hair cut by a friend. Sneaky nap on the sofa followed by random housework tasks and a vague attempt at OU work. Must try harder with the OU stuff.

Saturday 8 Dec
Another morning pretending to do housework. I did vacuum though so that was good. Made brownies and tarted myself up for my hot date with the Handsome Young Man.Went out for hot date; bumped into my mother on the way home, whilst I was still with HYM. Awkward.

Wordless Wednesday: Christmas!

Why I Love White Vinegar: 10 Clever Uses

Anyone who has been in my kitchen recently will have noticed the growing crowd of empty vinegar bottles waiting to be taken out for recycling. I go through this stuff like nobody's business; I love it. And it's only about 50p for half a litre, which is a lot cheaper than many of the things you can substitute it for! Here are ten ways you can use white vinegar around the house:

1. Use instead of fabric softener: it will make nappies and towels fluffier and more absorbent. If you still want to use fabric softener you can mix it half-and-half. The softener will still leave your clothes smelling nice, but a bottle will last twice as long. The vinegar is also really good for cleaning away limescale build-up inside your machine.
2. Boil in the kettle: I live in an area with very "hard" water, so my kettle is forever getting fuzzed up, and my cups of coffee end up with bits of floating limescale in them. Not good. Boiling some white vinegar in the kettle, and then cleaning it thoroughly (nobody wants vinegar-flavoured coffee) will remove the limescale and allow your kettle to live for longer.
3. General cleaning: you know all those expensive cleaning products you can buy for your kitchen, bathroom, floor, whatever else? They're nice colours and smell of pine or lemon and make you feel like everything is clean... Next time one of them runs out, re-fill it with half water, half white vinegar. It works just as well, costs less, and involves spraying fewer random chemicals around your house. If you would rather have the lemony-fresh smell, add a few drops of essential oil to the mixture.
4. Windows and mirrors: window cleaning products are a great big con. Have you ever seen a professional window cleaner using any of these brands? No? Me either. Get the bottle you made for point 3 above, and spray it onto the window/mirror. If it's really dirty, remove the worst of the dirt first with some washing up liquid (seriously, what are you doing to your windows, though!). Buff the glass with a page of old newspaper (the only good reason to buy the Daily Mail, if you ask me), and you will find you have the cleanest, shiniest windows the world has ever seen. Probably.
5. Stinky, slow-draining sinks: pour a cup of bicarbonate of soda into the offending drain, and follow with a cup of white vinegar. It will fizz up out of the plug hole in a most gratifying fashion. Leave it half an hour, and then pour some hot water down to rinse it through. This will get rid of most of the built-up gunk that makes its home in a drain, and make your sink smell much better. 
6. Draining boards: my draining board always gets scaled up and dirty, because I'm so lazy about drying up. On the rare occasion the draining board is clear of wet crockery, I mix bicarbonate of soda with white vinegar (more fizzing! What fun!) and pour it over the offending area. Left for a few minutes, it will usually loosen the scale, and you can just wipe it down!
7. Ovens: next time you use the oven, wait for it to cool down a little, and while it's still warm, run a vinegar-soaked cloth around in there. Magic. If the oven is really grimy, you can loosen the muck by putting a bowl of water and lemon juice in the oven and heating it until it boils almost dry, and then use the vinegar.
8. Microwaves: please tell me I'm not the only person with a magical capability to explode everything that goes into the microwave! Seriously, sometimes it's like a science experiment in there. Every now and then I fill a bowl with white vinegar and microwave for a couple of minutes until it's bubbling, and then leave it in there (door closed) to cool down. The steam from it loosens the gunk, and then you just wipe it out.
9. Bathrooms: you can use white vinegar to clean most parts of your bathroom. Limescale in the loo? leave it to soak with white vinegar. Streaky tiles? Wipe with white vinegar. Fuzzed up shower head? Take it off and leave it to soak in some white vinegar mixed with bicarbonate of soda. 
10. Air freshener: I don't like to have smelly rooms, but I also don't much like the smell of those chemical-laden synthetic sprays and plug-ins you can get. With rooms that aren't in daily use, they often just smell a bit stale from the air not circulating. A couple of bowls of vinegar left in the corners of the room for a few hours usually make it smell better (but not like a fish and chip shop, weirdly).

Now, off you go to the shops and buy some white vinegar! You know you want to!

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A Date? That's Fruit You Eat Stuffed at Christmas, Right?

Someone asked me on a date this week. My reaction surprised me: although I like the person, and had been thinking lately that it would be nice to have some romantic attention, I was petrified. I literally froze; I had no idea what to say.

This person seems lovely; I could never imagine him being at all unpleasant, from what little I know of him… but then, it took a while for me to believe that of the ex as well! We have some friends in common; I thought perhaps I could ask for their opinion on him… but then I remembered that all of the ex’s friends think he is fabulous. My experience with S’s father has taught me not just that my judgement on these matters is not to be trusted, but that the judgement of others is not so fantastic either. The very nature of the problems in our relationship was that he was such a charmer, and nobody around him would ever have believed the truth of him; many still don’t.

I have historically poor taste, not just in men but in situations and relationships. I am generally quite reckless, running headlong into situations I know are probably not ideal, but hell, just go with it and see what happens… What happens is that people usually end up getting hurt, and not speaking to each other, and maybe even hating each other, and it’s messy. Whilst being ill-advised, it was fine when it was just me. I could walk into situations I knew deep down were a bad idea, and when the inevitable carnage happened, it was just me who had to deal with it. The minute I had S, that stopped. It was like a switch was flipped in my head, and I suddenly started thinking, “no, this is not an ok situation; you can’t do this to us.”

It’s taken me several months, and a lot of hard work, to slowly and painfully extricate myself from the situation I was in and to feel strong enough to be doing this on my own. The idea of spending time with a man had not even crossed my mind, and I would balk at the idea whenever friends told me “you’ll meet someone nice and forget all about this.” In some ways it is still a daily struggle not to allow myself to be dragged back into the mucky nastiness I was embroiled in for so long; I still count my days like an addict. I still miss the children I left behind terribly, and am reminded of them constantly, by the slightest little thing. But I’m not afraid any more; I don’t care what is said about me, and I do feel a lot stronger than I was.

A couple of people have shown what could probably be classed as “an interest” in the last few months, but I couldn’t even entertain the idea. This time, I entertained the idea, and then decided I couldn’t possibly leave S to go out on a date. We kept chatting though, and agreed to meet for coffee one afternoon instead. I am petrified. I don’t trust myself to know… anything! The problem is that before, I did know deep down that there was a problem; that I shouldn’t be in this relationship; but it was very deep down, and I just pushed it down further because I didn't want to deal with the situation. I’m scared that I will do the same thing again.  But then, as a friend commented on Facebook, am I just not going to date again until S leaves home? I suppose I have to just listen out for that little voice in my head a bit more, and pay attention when it speaks.

Let me be clear here: I am in no way expecting that this person is some sort of monster, or anything like my ex. So far he seems to be the polar opposite in every way. I am just worried and paranoid and extremely wary of putting myself in a vulnerable position again.

A mutual friend told him off for asking me out, because she knows some of what went on with the ex. She is a good judge of character, and I trust that she would tell me to steer clear if she thought there was any chance of anything untoward. As it was, she sent me a text saying to go careful with him, because he’s had a rough time of it lately too. In the end, I spoke to him. He’d already been told some things about the trouble I’d had; months ago our friend told him: If you ever see anyone banging on that door, you go up and see what’s going on. I explained the situation I am in, and that if we ended up seeing each other I would most probably end up making use of the Clare's Law pilot that's currently running in my area. His response was that yes, I absolutely should call; he had nothing to hide. He also told me that I should feel free to ask our mutual friend anything I wanted to about him. 

And so, I suppose we just wait and see what happens on the date, and afterwards...

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Our Week: 26 Nov - 01 Dec

Monday 26 Nov
Up early and out to a mother and toddler group. Had ummed and ahhed about going, but figured I had nothing to lose by just trying it out. Turns out it was great fun, S had a good old shout, and we both really enjoyed song time at the end. It did mess with nap time a little though, meaning S slept for 20 minutes on the way there and 20 minutes on the way home, and had a slightly rushed lunch before we went back out to meet a friend for lunch. Awful experience in Slug & Lettuce (though S enjoyed herself, and I had a good catch-up with said friend) followed by S falling asleep again on the way home. Afternoon spent trying to clear junk from the living room whilst being distracted by a baby who has discovered her ability to squawk like a super-cute pterodactyl.

Tuesday 27 Nov
Morning spent clearing junk out of the living room ready for the floor to be put down tomorrow. Horrifying moment around lunch time when I looked around and realised that I'd removed 80% of the stuff, and the room still looked full. I've a feeling a lot of things will be thrown out rather than coming back into the room once the floor is down. Afternoon spent at a local church's mother and baby group. Lovely people, an invite to their Christmas party, and some strawberries! Walked home with my sister, who helped to move the sofa. And then more stuff-moving, while S resolutely refused to sleep.

Wednesday 28 Nov
A brief reprieve from the floor-laying meant a quiet day at home. D visited in the morning, S had a couple of good naps, things were cool. Didn't leave the house all day; it was bliss. Oh yeah, and I got asked out on a date. Nearly fell off my chair.

Thursday 29 Nov
My brother came to lay the floor, so S and I hibernated upstairs for the morning, playing with toys and mucking about. My sister turned up around lunch time, and we took S into town for a little wander and a spot of Christmas shopping, before coming home for a man from the council to assess the damage to my bedroom ceiling from a persistently leaky roof. Afternoon spent chatting to a lovely friend who doesn't visit often.

Friday 30 Nov
Up reasonably early and off to a Buggyfun class - I'd not been for a while because the class had moved to a place horribly close to the ex's house, but it moved back to its original location this week and I was very excited to get back to it. Nearly killed myself with running and a mini assault course, but had a massive grin on my face walking home. Visit from a friend at lunch time; afternoon spent having a go at putting all the junk back in the living room... Got as far as putting the Christmas tree up...

Saturday 01 Dec
Left S with a babysitter for the first time. Before I've left her with a family member outside of a shop, or left my sister pushing her around town in the buggy while I had my hair done... This morning I went into town for a whole hour, while she stayed at home with my sister A. Afternoon spent baking. S played happily with a wooden spoon, a pastry brush and a silicone oven glove.